"We've got about twenty doors that won't stay shut. What can be done?" The expert tucked his thumbs in his belt, rocked his chair on two legs, and nodded wisely. "Old house. Building settles. Doorframes get out of whack. Doors shrink. I can fix 'em, but it'll cost ya." For a man who hated to work, he seemed most agreeable. New lock for the back door? "Easy!" Twenty doors refitted? "Piece o' cake!" He said he would start the next morning — early. Qwilleran surmised that Mrs. Cobb had bribed him with a promise of huckleberry pancakes and sausages.
After Birch had roared away on his motorcycle, the housekeeper said, "Isn't that a wonderful machine?" Qwilleran grunted noncommittally. "How is he going to transport tools with that thing?" "Oh, he told me he has a couple of trucks, and an ORV, and one of those big campers. He likes wheels. He wants to take me for a ride on the motorbike. What do you think?" Qwilleran exhaled audibly into his moustache. "Don't rush into anything with that guy. I think he's an opportunist." "He seems very nice. When I told him that smoke was harmful to antiques, he chucked his cigar without a word. And he loved my coconut cake." "That's obvious. He ate most of it." "Even little Yum Yum liked him. Did you see her sniffing his boots?" "Either he'd been walking around a barnyard or she was looking for a shoelace to untie. It wasn't necessarily a character endorsement… By the way, have you noticed Koko sitting on the main staircase a lot?" She nodded. "That's his favorite perch, except for the refrigerator." "The strange thing is that he always sits on the third stair. I don't understand why." The housekeeper looked warily at Qwilleran. "I have something strange to report, too, but I'm afraid you'll laugh at me." "Mrs. Cobb, I always take you seriously." "Well, you remember I mentioned ghosts when I came here. I was only kidding, sort of, but now I'm beginning to think this house is haunted — not that I'm afraid, you understand. " "How did you get that idea?" "Well, sometimes when I come into the kitchen at night I see a white blur out of the comer of my eye, but when I turn to look, it's gone." "I'm always seeing white blurs, Mrs. Cobb. One's called Koko and the other's called Yum Yum." "But things also move around mysteriously — mostly in the kitchen. Twice it was the kitchen wastebasket, right in the middle of the floor. Last night that old suitcase was shoved across the doorway. Do you know anything about the people who lived here, Mr. Qwilleran? Were there any unexplained deaths? I don't know whether you really believe in ghosts." "These days I'll believe anything." "It's dangerous. I almost fell over the suitcase in the dark. What's it doing here? It seems to be full of musty clothes." "I'll put it in the broom closet — get it out of your way. And you must promise to turn on lights when you come in here after dark." "I guess I'm used to saving electricity." "Forget about that. The estate owns a big chunk of the electric company. And please don't walk around without your glasses, Mrs. Cobb. How's your eye problem these days?" She held up two crossed fingers. "I still see the eye doctor twice a year." "Is everything else working out all right? Any questions?" "Well, I took some cookies over to the painter in the garage — he's a nice young man — and he showed me the huge daisies allover the walls. Who painted those?" "A girl named Daisy, by a strange coincidence. She used to work here. I hope you're not planning to paint irises all over the kitchen." "Oh, Mr. Qwilleran," she laughed.
"Have you started to catalogue the collection?" "Yes, and I'm terribly excited. There's a silver vault in the basement with some eight-branch silver candelabra about three feet high. The butler's pantry has china to serve twenty-four, and the linen closet had damask and Madeira banquet cloths like you wouldn't believe! You ought to give a big dinner party, Mr. Qwilleran. I'd be glad to cook for it." "Good idea," he said, "but don't try to do too much. Save some time for youself. You might want to join the Historical Society, and when you're ready to take on appraisal jobs we'll run an ad in the Picayune — even get you some publicity on WPKX." "Oh, that would be wonderful!" "And how would you like to attend a city council meeting? I intend to go, and the attorney suggested you might enjoy it, too." "Wasn't that sweet of her! Yes, I'd love to go," Mrs. Cobb said, her eyes shining. "We had so much trouble with bureaucrats in the city; I'd like to see how a small town operates." "Okay, it's a date. Now I'm going to take a bike ride before dinner." "Mr. Qwilleran," the housekeeper said hesitantly, "It's none of my business, but I'd like to say something if it won't offend you." "Fire away!" "I wish you'd get a new bicycle. That old one is such a rattletrap! It's not safe." "The bike's perfectly safe, Mrs. Cobb. I've cleaned it and oiled it and bought new tires. It has a few squeaks, but it's good enough for my purposes." "But there are so many trucks, and they travel so fast! They could blow you right off die road." "I do most of my biking on country roads, where there's very little traffic. Don't worry." The housekeeper set her mouth primly. "But it doesn't look right for a man in your position to be riding a — riding a piece of junk, if you'll pardon the expression." "And if you'll pardon my saying so, Mrs. Cobb, you're beginning to sound like Penelope Goodwinter. Those eight- branch candelabra have gone to your head." She smiled sheepishly.
"While I'm gone," he said, "Miss Goodwinter might call to say when she's picking us up for the council meeting. Also, a Mrs. Hanstable might phone. She wants a tour of die house. Tell her that any time tomorrow will be okay. I'm going to start charging twenty bucks for these tours." "Oh, Mr. Qwilleran, you must be kidding." In order to bike on country roads he had to negotiate four blocks of downtown traffic, five blocks of old residential streets, and then six blocks of suburbia abounding in prefabricated ranch houses, children, plastic tricycles, dogs, and barbecue smoke. After that came the lonely serenity of open country — pastureland, old mine sites, patches of woods, and an occasional farmhouse with a bicycle-chasing dog.
As he pedaled along the four straight miles on Ittibittiwassee Road he thought of many things: lamb stew and dumplings for dinner… Melinda coming home soon… the loungy sofa he had ordered… Arch Riker's pending visit… a tick-tick-tick in the rear wheel… a dinner party with three-foot silver candelabra… poor Mrs. Cobb, too long a widow… a new grinding noise in the sprocket… Daisy, Daisy… the police chief with a good Scottish name… cream-filled coconut cake.
"The nerve of that guy!" he said aloud, and a lonely cow on the side of the road turned her head to look at him benignly.
Nerve was Birch Tree's outstanding trait. Early the next morning he arrived with a truckful of tools, an appetite for breakfast, and a portable radio. Qwilleran was half awake when a blast of noise catapulted him from his bed. Raucous music was augmented by a concert of caterwauling.
Grabbing his old plaid robe, he bolted downstairs and found the maintenance man happily at work on a kitchen door.
Yum Yum was screeching like the siren at City Hall, and Koko was exercising his full range of seven octaves as the music pulsed out of a radio with satellite speakers and a control panel like a video game.
"Cut the volume!" Qwilleran shouted. "It's hurting their ears!" "Throw 'em a fish head and they'll shut up," Birch yelled. "Baa-a-a-a!" Qwilleran made a dive for the controls. "If you want to know, Birch, that blaster hurts my ears, too." Mrs. Cobb beckoned him into the laundry room. "Let's not discourage him," she whispered. "He's touchy, and we want to keep him on the job." For the next few days Birch Tree was always underfoot, modifying the volume of his radio in proportion to Mrs. Cobb's supply of food, compliments, and beer. The whine of power tools turned the cats' ears inside out, but Qwilleran learned to accept the chaos as a positive indication of progress.