Then it was evening, and Tappy was sitting up In bed IN A flannel nightie, brushing her hair. Why had he thought it was short? It was long enough to carry a gentle wave, now that she was giving it proper attention.
Jack no longer felt awkward with her. She never made a sound, but her attitude called him friend and he was flattered. He sat in the rickety chair and tried not to think of the Judas-mission that he feared was his. That clinic ...
He had given her a little human consideration, that was all. He had talked to her and read her a story and taken her on a hike, and now she was able to smile. Had anyone at all spared her even this much kindness in the last seven years?
The shadows played across her face as she brushed, highlighting her cheeks and hiding her eyes. Burnt umber-that was the color of her hair at the moment. She was soft, she was lovely in the half-light of the cabin. Something had animated her, something she hadn't quite found on the mountain. What could it be? An IMAGO A TRANS formation?
Then Tappy was kneeling before him, blind eyes staring into his face. One hand rested on his. The other hand held The Little Prince, a corner of the book covering her mouth.
Discovering that she had his attention, she lowered the book and lifted his hand to her lips.
Jack froze. Suddenly he realized what he should have seen coming: she had a crush on him.
He had to deliver her to the clinic in a hurry. God, if this ever got out
"Tappy," he began.
She raised her face quickly, smiling. As quickly, she stiffened, grasping his import. Her face became expressionless.
Then he saw the tear. That always gave her away.
He had been clumsy again. He had been preoccupied with his own reaction to a suddenly awkward situation, and had forgotten hers. What could he say to her?
The tear coursed down her pale cheek and tucked into the corner of her mouth.
"Tappy-', The book dropped to the floor. She scrambled to her feet and ran headlong to the bed. She flung herself facedown, her body heaving.
Jack went to her and put his arm around her flannel shoulders.
"Tappy, I didn't mean to hurt you! I was only hired to-I'm to-"
try trying to what? Build her up for a worse fall? Offer her a friendship less than she craved-a friendship that was doomed anyway, tomorrow?
He stroked her hair, ashamed. All he could feel was the vibration of her silent sobbing. He opened his mouth, but could not speak. The situation was impossible.
Finally he turned her over and kissed her.
He could taste the salt of her tears. Then her hunger broke through with a rush that swept away his own equilibrium ... and perhaps his conscience. He kissed her lips, her neck, her hair, and a soft fire ran through his body as her little hands pulled him down beside her, so warm. Suddenly he held an angel in his arms, and there was nothing else on earth so wonderful.
How could he explain it? He had thought he was experienced.
He could only repeat the words of that song on the mountain:
"Never did I know till the other day what love, oh love could do Yes, she was blind and mute and only thirteen, and he had known her so very briefly. In that instant of excitement and rapture these considerations were less than nothing; he loved her.
Sanity returned quickly enough after his passion of the moment was sated. She did not try to hold him now. He got up, put himself together, and stumbled out to the car.
He drove, cursing himself for missing the girl beside him, for looking guiltily at the empty seat. He scarcely noticed the teeming magnificence of the Green Mountains, preternaturally brilliant in the closing evening. His brain was working now, and it was not a pleasant experience.
What was he running from? He knew he couldn't simply drive away and leave her there. He certainly couldn't undo what had passed. He was guilty OF STATUTORY RAPE.
He brought the car to an abrupt halt. There was a lovely miniature waterfall barely visible beside the road, splashing a column of water into a great WOOden barrel for roadside use. Its artistic ingenuity was wasted on him tonight.
He had brought this calamity UPON HIMSELF. he HAD DEVIated from the route. He had kept her with him instead of delivering her promptly to the clinic. He had forced his unwitting attentions on her until she had to respond.
Why? Was it because he suspected that he was taking her to no clinic, but to some correctional institution for unwanted burdens, where she would never receive any genuine kind--sst Was he trying to shield her from that horror?
Or had he secretly intended to seduce her?
What did a man want with a woman? Beauty, capability, independence, personality? Or did he really desire, more than anything else, total dependence?
Jack thought about the ways that society crippled women, keeping them out of business and sport and in the house, bound by a pervasive economic and social double standard. A wife had to be smaller than her husband, weaker, less intelligent.
Take that to the logical extreme and-Tappuah.
No, he couldn't believe it. That was not his way. He had only sought to help. But he was not proud of his performance.
He did not know what to do, but he did know he could not leave Tappy unprotected at the motel. Whatever was to come of this, they would see it through together.
One thing was sure: he could not deliver her to the clinic. For him there would be charges he could not deny. For her there would be no freedom, no joy at that place. The moment they heard her talking in her sleep, they would classify her as crazy, and that would be the end of her.
Was she crazy? He could not accept that!
He returned to the motel, and tumbled onto his bunk without undressing, without checking on Tappy. Maybe the night would offer some possible solution. Maybe some miracle.
He slept erratically, his dreams a turmoiled rampage of mountains and scars and unutterable pleasure. Of a metal brace touching his leg. Larva, ChrYsalis, Imago ... Rape. He woke with a feeling of terrible remorse to the desolation of darkness. Now perhaps he could appreciate Tappy's state of sightlessness. Of hopelessness.
Then he was being touched. Tappy was there, her hand on his shoulder, shaking him. "What is it?" he asked blearily.
She kept pulling at his shoulder, urgently. "Tappy, what I did with you was wrong," he said. "I should never have touched you, and I deeply regret it. Certainly I shall not do it again." Yet there was a core of doubt.
But she ignored his protest. She wanted him to get up; she was not trying to repeat their liaison, it seemed. What could she be after?
He got up, feeling grubby in his unchanged clothes. The glow on his watch said 3 A.M. "What do you want?" he asked, half fearing the answer.
She tugged him to the door.
"Something out there? Let me turn on the lights-"
But she pulled him imperiously on. "No lights? Tappy, you know I can't see in the dark! At least let me get a flashlight."
At that she paused. He felt for the drawer where he had put the emergency flash, and found it. But it occurred to him that she might have reason to stay out of sight. Were there robbers near?
"I have it, but I'll leave it off if you'll lead me where you want to go."
She reached and found his hand with the light, and patted it. "You don't mind if I turn it on? You're not hiding from anything?"
She patted his hand again, then resumed her motion toward the door. Baffled, he turned on the flash and walked after her.
She opened the door and stepped out. He saw that she had her shoes on, and a jacket, over her nightie. She was definitely going out, and she was in a hurry.