“No,” I said, “but what?”
“For one thing, Belinda ought to get away. Leah says she keeps talking about the pool and that time they drained it because they thought you were there and they brought up a murderer.”
“Where does she hear such tales?”
“People talk. They don’t realize that children hear these things. You know there is that superstition about the pool. They get garbled versions. However, what I think is that Belinda should get away from here, and—much as I hate it—you go, too.”
“Go away …” I repeated.
“Yes. In London or Manorleigh, Belinda will be far away from the scene. Leah thinks she should not go to the pool again. I can’t imagine that she will want to … but sometimes that sort of thing has a strange effect … and the thing is to put it behind her as quickly as possible. In London or Manorleigh life will be entirely different. She will forget. She is only young. But here … she never will.”
“I can see some reason in that.”
“And you, my dear, what of you and Pedrek?”
“I don’t believe …”
“You don’t want to believe … but half of you does. Tell the truth, Rebecca. You know you can tell me.”
“Yes … I think you are right.”
She nodded. “If you got away for a while, I think it would be good for you. You were so fond of Pedrek. I know how you feel. And now … you are beset by doubts. You are trying to force yourself not to believe … and in your heart you do.”
“I don’t know.”
“Time may help. If you stay here you might do something you would regret for the whole of your life.”
“What?” I asked.
She lifted her shoulders. “You might decide that you believe him. You might marry him … and then find out hidden things you hadn’t dreamed of. On the other hand you might reject him … and you might regret that all your life. Go back to London or Manorleigh. Ask yourself how much you care for Pedrek. Look this thing straight in the face … don’t shirk any possibility. Discover how much you care for Pedrek. Take Belinda with you. Look after her. She is in need of help as much as you are, my darling.”
She put her arms round me.
I said pathetically: “Everything was so wonderful. There was the house …” I shivered. The house would never be the same to me again. I would always remember that terrifying scene with Jean Pascal. He had besmirched the house—but Pedrek had ruined my future happiness.
I knew my grandmother was right. I could not stay there. I had to get away.
There was another reason why I knew we must go, which was made clear to me by Leah.
My grandmother and I were discussing Belinda with her and my grandmother asked her if she thought the child was growing away from her experience.
Leah stood up very straight, her hands clenched.
“Will she ever be able to grow away from it?” she demanded. “Oh, Madam, Miss Rebecca … sometimes I feel I could kill him.”
“Leah!” I murmured.
“Oh yes, Miss Rebecca, that is how I feel. What has he done to our child? I see the terror in her eyes. She whimpers in her sleep. Sometimes she calls out. It will be a long time before it goes away. These men, they … they should not be allowed to live. If I see him … I could not trust myself.”
“You must not talk like this, Leah,” said my grandmother. “It may well have been a mistake. Perhaps she was frightened … she did not see very well.”
Leah looked at my grandmother as though she thought her a little stupid.
“She saw …” she said. “Men … they are not what they seem. They are wicked. They think only of themselves … their need of the moment. Their victims mean nothing to them.” I had never seen her so vehement. “They submit them to their will … and then cast them aside.”
“Dear Leah,” said my grandmother, “you have always been wonderful with Belinda. You will know how to help her through this. She will need such careful treatment.”
Leah was fierce. “I will not have her questioned and cross-questioned. She must forget quickly … it is the only way.”
“Leah is right,” said my grandmother.
Leah nodded and when I looked at her eyes, wild with hatred, I had a horrible conviction that she meant it when she said she would kill Pedrek.
Afterwards my grandmother said: “She was so fierce. Of course, she has looked after Belinda since she was a baby and regards her as her own child. I can see great trouble growing out of this. I do hope it is not going to be known. It will kill Josiah.”
“It isn’t true, Granny, I know it in my heart.”
“I feel the same. After all these years … we know Pedrek and it is not plausible. And yet if it were so … there are other children to be thought of … protected.”
“I know there is some explanation.”
“I feel that, too. We must not act rashly. Your grandfather feels we should wait a few days before taking any action.”
Wait? What could we do by waiting?
But I could see that it was imperative for us to get away. It was what I needed, too.
I wrote to Pedrek. I made several drafts of the letter before I produced the final one.
Dear Pedrek,
I am going back to London. I cannot stay here. I have been so unhappy since this happened. I know you have been, too. At the moment I am bemused and I don’t know what to say. My grandparents think I should get away for a while. I don’t want to believe it. I am trying not to. Sometimes I think how absurd it is and then … at others … I am so unsure.
Do try to understand. Give me time.
Rebecca
He wrote back to me:
Dear Rebecca,
I see that you doubt me. I cannot understand how you could possibly believe this of me. I had thought you loved me. I can see now that I was wrong. After all these years you don’t know me if you think I could molest a child. It is a cruel fabrication of lies. But you prefer to believe others rather than me.
Pedrek
I wept over his letter. I wanted to go to him, to comfort him, to tell him that, no matter what he had done, I still loved him.
But I could not do it. I knew that I would always be watching him for signs. I thought of the weakness of men. It was no use setting them up on pedestals and thinking of them as perfect gentle knights. They were not like that. Oddly enough memories of Benedict Lansdon kept coming into my mind. I remembered the love I had witnessed between him and my mother, and yet he had married his first wife for the goldmine she brought him. My mother had known this and forgiven him.
That was different. My image of Pedrek had been changed and when I thought of him I would see the lust I had witnessed in Jean Pascal’s eyes, and the two seemed to merge into one.
I was not ready at this time to make a decision.
So I left Cador with Belinda, Lucie, Leah and Miss Stringer, for London.
As the train took us nearer to London I wished that I had not left. I felt a yearning to be back there. I think if I could have seen Pedrek then I should have told him that I believed there had been some hideous mistake. Now that I was away from him I seemed to see more clearly that he could not have been guilty of such an act.
I looked at Belinda. She was pale and sat back in her seat with her eyes closed. Lucie looked a little bewildered. We had told her that Belinda was not well and we must be careful not to upset her.
Miss Stringer was unaware of what had happened. I feared she would have insisted on an open accusation of Pedrek. I could imagine what her verdict would have been.
As for Leah, her attitude had become more protective. She hardly took her eyes from Belinda. I wondered whether she blamed herself for not noticing that the child had left the house to go to Mary Kellaway.