He looks so unhappy … so terribly sad and bewildered in a way. It is such a wretched business and I know, my darling, how you must be suffering. It is best for you to be right away from it.
We can only wait and see. Try not to grieve too much. Perhaps there will be some explanation some day. However it was best that you should leave here and I think that he should get away, too.
I only wonder whether we have done the right thing …
The letter dropped from my hands. Gone away! To Australia! As my parents had in search of gold. My grandmother had gone there too and met tragedy … and now Pedrek had left to look for tin and get away from a situation which had become intolerable.
Who would have believed that in such a short time life could change so drastically?
I should have written to him before. I should have told him that I loved him and would go on doing so no matter what had happened.
But it was too late now.
He continued to haunt my thoughts. Where was he now? Had he left Cornwall? I could imagine the heartrending farewell between him and his grandparents.
Morwenna came to see me. She was distraught.
“What does all this mean between you and Pedrek?” she demanded.
“We decided we couldn’t marry … for a while.”
“But why? You were so happy … so looking forward to it … why, you had almost got the house.”
“I know … but it changed. We realized that we had made a mistake and it would be wrong to … to er … rush into it.”
“I can’t believe it.”
I looked at her sadly. I could not explain to her. I could not show her how bewildered and unhappy I was. She and his father would be completely shocked if they knew.
So I let them think that I was fickle. They could not believe that it was Pedrek who had changed his mind.
And now he was going to Australia … the home of his birth. I could see the fear in Morwenna’s eyes; her attitude had changed towards me. She was cold and withdrawn.
But I could not tell her. The terrible event at the pool had resulted in misery in all directions.
Mrs. Emery said: “I don’t know what’s the matter with Mrs. Cartwright. She seems changed. It’s because her son’s going out to Australia, I suppose.”
“Yes, I suppose so,” I said.
She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. They had all guessed that there had been an understanding between Pedrek and me and knew that this was so no longer.
“These matters are for them they belong to,” was her judicial summing up. “It’s for them to decide and nobody else’s business.” She looked at me almost tenderly. “And you’ve got to take a bit of care of yourself. We don’t want you ill, Miss Rebecca.”
“I’ll take care,” I promised.
I imagined how they all discussed the matter round the kitchen table and conjured up reasons for my wan looks.
There were times when I almost walked out of the house and took the train to Cornwall that I might see him before he left and urge him not to go …to tell him that no matter what had happened I wanted to be with him.
Would he accept that? He would not want me to say “no matter what.” He wanted me to have the utmost belief in his innocence. This I instinctively knew would be his terms.
I loved Pedrek. I knew now how much. But I had grown up. I had discovered lust in the bedroom at High Tor and I knew men could change when that lustful urge was upon them. I had learned that it takes a long time to know people and I was asking myself, Did I know Pedrek? Did I know every aspect of him?
The fact of the matter was that I could not be sure. And what he was asking from me was absolute belief in his innocence.
It was an impasse. I hesitated … and so he would go to Australia.
There he would try to forget me … and I must try to forget him.
Blackmail
AN AIR OF EXCITEMENT pervaded the house. I often had talks with Mrs. Emery and found it comforting to sit in her room and chat desultorily about little matters of the household and to drink a cup of tea from one of her special cups.
She was aware of a great deal of what was going on.
One day she said: “Mr. Lansdon is especially busy these days. Emery and me … well, we’re interested in politics … and we’re keeping our fingers crossed for Mr. Lansdon.”
“Oh … why?”
“Well, there’s this Cabinet reshuffle, isn’t there? And since his party’s in … who knows? I reckon Mr. Lansdon’s made for some high post. Emery thinks the Home Office.”
“Does Mr. Emery think that Mr. Gladstone will stay in power?”
“Oh yes. The Conservatives are not the same now that that Mr. Disraeli’s lost his wife. I reckon a man wants a woman behind him.”
“I’m not so sure. He did some important things after her death. It may be that he’s devoted everything to politics now she has gone. What about his getting control in the Suez Canal and proclaiming the Queen Empress of India and cleverly averting war with the Russians and bringing Cyprus into the Empire? He did all that after his wife died.”
“Yes, but he was never a happy man since and a man needs to have a happy home life. There’s Mr. Lansdon …” She shook her head sadly.
I thought: They know everything about us. They know that Benedict does not love Celeste and that he still mourns for my mother, and that I have come back from Cornwall sad and troubled because my engagement to Pedrek is broken. All these things they know of us and they discuss them at meal times when they are all round the table together. No, Mrs. Emery would not allow that. It would be between herself and Mr. Emery when they were alone in their room. But the servants would be all eagerness to learn; they would listen at every opportunity; they would watch; they would garner their information and compare with each other; then they would doubtless draw their garbled conclusions.
“It’s no good looking back,” said Mrs. Emery. “Your dear mother is dead and gone and more’s the pity. If she were here … how different everything would be. The present Mrs. Lansdon … she tries. She could be good for him … if he’d let her be. But he keeps looking back.”
“Perhaps in time.”
“Time. That’s what saves us all. No use nursing your troubles, Miss Rebecca. That’s what I always say … and it will be wonderful for Mr. Lansdon if he gets a post in the Cabinet. Emery and me … well … we’ll be that pleased.”
“Yes,” I said. “I wish …”
She looked at me expectantly but I did not finish.
She was silent. She was a very understanding woman and I think she had the good of the family at heart. She really would like to see Benedict in the Cabinet and happy in his domestic as well as public life; she would like to see me recovered from my wounds and happily engaged to a suitable someone.
She and Emery wanted to have a happy as well as a successful household over which to rule in the lower regions.
Benedict was in London and Celeste with him. Oliver Gerson came down once or twice but his stays were brief. He told me that Mr. Lansdon was so busy in the House that business matters were left to him.
I was pleased to hear Belinda’s laughter. She really seemed to have forgotten. Leah said she never referred to it now and that she slept peacefully and was her old self.
When I went to the children’s room to say goodnight she suddenly put her arms round my neck and hugged me tightly.
“I love you, dear darling sister Rebecca.”
Such expressions of affection from Belinda were rare and made me very happy.
I went over to Lucie’s bed. She hugged me too. But then she often did. “I love you too, Rebecca,” she said.
I was very comforted.