"Hunting the dragon?" echoed Rukh. "It's a Dorsai saying," said Amanda absently. "It means roughly... taking on something you know you can't handle, deliberately to arrange for your own end."
She looked at them, "Because, you realize, if he did that," she went on, "there'd be no more cause for Bleys to hold off trying to kill him." "He'd be safe here," muttered Ajela. "You'd think common sense - No place is safe, if Bleys really wanted to get him. Up until now he's shared Hal's point of view, that if either one took the simple way to a solution by killing the other, it wouldn't alter the confrontation of historic forces between the two halves of the race. " "And that's the only reason Bleys has held off, until now?" Rukh asked. "I thought there was something personal there." "There is, in a sense." Amanda looked at her, at the slim cross cut into the circle of granite at Rukh's neck. "We, all of us, each have something. But Bleys has nothing, and never has had - except in Hal." "How - in Hal?" Ajela leaned forward, intrigued. "They're worst enemies," said Amanda, "which is close, in a strange way, to being best friends. Because what makes them enemies is so much larger than anything personal between them, that Bleys is free to admire Hal - and he admires no one else in the human race, alive or dead."
She became more brisk. "However... tell me when this started," she went on. "When did he start giving up?" "He didn't mention it until today - in fact, just before you got here," answered Rukh. "But in himself he must have given up some months ago, Earth time. It showed that far back - to Ajela and myself. We did what we could, and when nothing helped, finally we sent for you. You got here just in time."
"How many months?" Ajela and Rukh exchanged glances. Ajela remained silent, so Rukh turned again to Amanda. "My best guess would be he started giving up about half a year ago. Ajela?"
Ajela made a small, almost helpless gesture with one hand.
"I only really noticed it after you brought my attention to it, three or four months ago. I've been tied up with trying to get the Earth-born to pull all together, for the first time in their history. The trouble's been for the first couple of years, most of them couldn't actually believe THEY could really be under attack. But what with that problem... and Tam" She subsided. "I'd say he started thinking he wouldn't ever be able to find what he was looking for, roughly a half year ago," Rukh went on in a level voice. "At what point he actually gave up, if he really did - internally, I mean - I don't know. I agree with you. He hasn't, really, even now. It's just that he's reached the point where he feels he has to do something, and it looks to him as if every way's blocked but back, so he's made a conscious decision to go back, by giving up. What do you think?"
Amanda looked past them. "I think you're right," she answered. "He chose as a child to go after it - this thing he has to find. It's far too late now for him to turn away from it. He can make his body and conscious mind leave it alone, but that won't help. His instinct's to attack a problem and keep on attacking it as long as he's alive and it's still there. But my guess is his trouble may not be quite what you've believed. I don't think he could really have gotten stuck in a dead-end corridor. I think he created it." "How?" said Rukh. "I'm not sure I follow you, Amanda Morgan. " "I'm sure," said Amanda slowly, "he thinks he's been trying all sorts of ways to reach through to what he wants to find and that he could go on trying forever and still not find it. But that can' t be the real case." "What is the real case then?" Ajela leaned forward. "Perhaps, just that he's trying to prod himself to break out and find a new angle of attack," answered Amanda. "Unconsciously, I think he knows he's chased this problem until he's lost his perspective on it. He's become frustrated, and his instinct to attack's betraying him. He's gotten himself trapped into a circular path, making the same attack at the same no-answer over and over again, and telling himself it's a different route each time."
She stopped. The other two sat looking at her.
"If that's it," said Rukh at last, in that same level voice, "what's to be done with him?" "Help him to stand back and take a look at the problem from a wider angle." "How?" asked Ajela.
Amanda looked hard at her. "I just walked through that door a few minutes ago," she said. "Up until then I hadn't heard what was wrong with him, let alone what the symptoms are. I'll think. The two of you might be thinking also."
There was another silence, this one with a certain sharpness to it. "You're right," said Ajela. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I've gotten a little too much in the habit of snapping out questions and orders, these last few years. I'll be frank. I don't see any answer at the moment, and I get the feeling if there is one it won't be quick or easy to find." "Yes," said Rukh, "and I think something else. I think it's not something that's going to come calling in answer to puzzling over it. Whoever finds it is going to have to feet her way to it. And the most likely candidate to do that is you, Amanda." "Yes," said Ajela, "you've got the advantage. He loves you, Amanda. " "You mean, I love him," said Amanda evenly. "Yes," said Ajela, meeting her gaze squarely, "of course that's what I meant."
Rukh's voice interposed itself between them. "Aside from any aspect of feelings," she said calmly, we've seen him every day - well, almost. Ajela and I may be too close to this part of the problem, ourselves. You're going to be looking at him for the first time in some time." "Over three years," said Amanda.
Rukh looked at her shrewdly. "You're not saying you're out of touch-" "No, he and I have never been out of touch," answered Amanda. "Don't you both know people you haven't seen for a long time, and still, when you do get back together again, you pick up just where you left of. That... only stronger. He can have changed. I can have changed. But there won't be any new different opinions fine one moment.
No, the fact we've been separated's not going to be a problem. The problem will be getting him to accept a solution to his situation besides the one he's come to himself. The Graemes are a hardheaded lot, and Donal has never been turned aside from his decisions by any other human being." "You think there's that much of Donal Graeme left in Hal?" said Ajela. "Of course there is, Ajela," said Rukh gently to her. "Nobody can ever escape what they've been. Have you forgotten how much of you is still Exotic? And you left Mara for the Encyclopedia when you were twelve years old, didn't you?"
Ajela smiled a little wanly. "Perhaps too often, I forget," she said. "No, you're right. Rukh. It's just that I've always just known him as Hal, and being an Exotic, I probably don't understand what all the rest of you know about violence - sorry, Amanda. I know that's the wrong word. " "No, it's not," said Amanda. "Is it, Rukh Tamani?" "No," said Rukh. "Whoso thinketh violence, knoweth violence. It was in God's name, but I knew violence." "But to get back to what we're talking about," said Amanda, "Rukh's right. I'll have to feel my way to the answer. That doesn't say I'll find it. Either one of you may be the one to find it. "
She smiled at them. "So you'll both keep after it, too?" "You know we will, Amanda," Rukh said. It was the first time she had used Amanda's given name only. Amanda smiled in acknowledgement and appreciation and got a smile back that took account of the bond of experience between them. "Of course," Amanda said. "I shouldn't have even asked. Well, then, if you've told me all you want to say for the moment, can I go to Hal now?" "I'll call to say you're coming-"
Ajela's hand, which had been reaching out to the control studs on her desk, checked as Amanda interrupted. "if you don't mind, I'd rather simply appear," she said. "Can you just direct me to wherever he is at the moment?" "Of course," said Ajela. "That's a good idea, in fact. You may well learn more from him, suddenly appearing without warning. He's in his rooms. I'll align this corridor outside with them. First door to your right, then, as you go out." "Thanks," said Amanda, getting up from her float. "We'll talk again shortly?" "As soon as you want. It may be a quarter or a half an hour, usually, before I can get loose, if I'm tied up talking to someone, or in some kind of conference with the people down on the surface, but just as soon as I can, I'll be available. Tell Rukh whenever you want us three to meet again." "You can reach me anytime using the internal communication system of the Encyclopedia," put in Rukh.