“Are they saying you came from another world?” Pufferfish asked.
“I’m not saying anything,” the retriever responded. “You’re saying that. We’re from Earth, a place where all dogs talk—cats, too! And a few squirrels and fish. What’s this place called?”
Matilda turned back to face her team. They all had the same stunned expression. “Chief, if you’ve had any other weird events in this town lately, we’d like to hear about them.”
Officer: When was the last time you saw Gerdie?
Linda: Easy. She came down to the backyard yesterday to ruin our lives!
Officer: Pardon?
Luanne: We were in the backyard practicing for the NCA Junior All-Star tryouts when—
Officer: NCA?
Luanne: Cheerleading! Geez, don’t you know anything? The National Cheerleading Association. The tryouts for one of the national squads are in a few days!
Officer: OK. How did she ruin your lives?
Linda: She came out in her crazy costume right in the middle of our pyramid.
Officer: Huh?
Wendy: A pyramid is a cheerleading stunt where the girls stack on top of one another. It’s shaped liked a—
Officer: I know what a pyramid is! What was the costume?
Luanne: She came down in one of our cheerleading outfits and her freak mask.
Wendy: It’s not a freak mask, girls.
Luanne: That’s what you’ve been calling it behind her back.
Wendy: Luanne, that … um … that’s not true.
Linda: Yes it is. You said it five seconds before the cops showed up.
Officer: Freak mask?
Wendy: Gerdie recently had some cosmetic surgery, and her face has been wrapped in bandages for the last four weeks.
Linda: So she should be easy to find. Just look for a girl who looks like a mummy wearing a cheerleading outfit.
Luanne: And the big machine strapped to her back. That should be easy to spot.
Officer: Big machine?
Linda: Yes, it had these big tubes and all these lights. It looked like it weighed a ton.
Officer: What kind of game are you playing?
Wendy: Excuse me?
Officer: You know there’s a lot of crime out there in this city. We’ve had these crazy blackouts that are causing all kinds of problems. You can’t call the police with some silly story—
Wendy: We’re not making this up! She’s wearing a cheerleading outfit. Her face is wrapped in bandages. She’s got something as big as a trash can tied to her back.
Luanne: You have to take this seriously. She ruined our lives. I want you to find her, arrest her, and make her break rocks in jail.
Officer: OK, let’s just assume what you’re telling me isn’t the result of a gas leak in your home. How did this disfigured cheerleader ruin your lives?
Linda: She scared the pyramid. Everyone fell. My sister broke her collarbone. I have a sprained ankle. Everyone on the squad was injured. We’ll never make one of the national squads now. We might even lose our spots on the local team!
Luanne: Plus, she stood over us and said the harshest things. She said we were a lousy family. She said we were jerks and she was going to the NCA tryouts herself to take our spots. Then she said we weren’t pretty enough to be cheerleaders!
Linda: That’s just mean!
Officer: OK, I think I’ve heard enough.
Wendy: So you have enough information to find my daughter?
Officer: No, but I have enough information to have the three of you arrested. You have the right to remain silent and I suggest you embrace that right. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law—
Linda: Hey, we’re telling the truth.
Officer: Calm down—
Wendy: Get off me!
Luanne: Get your hands off my mom.
Officer: I’m warning you, lady—
Luanne: Hit him with a lawn chair!
At this point, the officer fired his Taser three times, incapacitating the Bakers. They were arrested for assault and filing a false crime report. All three were being held in the Summit County Jail.
If Gerdie Baker actually exists, her whereabouts are unknown.
SEE ATTACHED COMPOSITE DRAWING OF “GERDIE BAKER.”
Matilda and the NERDS returned to the Playground to make their report. With talking dogs, radiation spots, blackouts, and psychotic cheerleaders, Matilda could barely make sense of the evidence, so she was stunned when Ruby said she knew who had caused it all.
“Her code name was Mathlete,” Ruby said. “She was one of us.”
“Back up,” Matilda said. “How do you know it was a member of NERDS responsible for all this weird stuff?”
“The Mathlete’s real name was Gerdie Baker,” Ruby said.
“The missing girl with the plastic surgery!” Matilda said.
“Gerdie? She can’t be responsible for this,” Ms. Holiday said. “She was always so sweet.”
Ruby shook her head. “I’m afraid the evidence says otherwise. While you were talking to dogs, Benjamin and I dug up everything we could on Gerdie—history, case files, recent actions … Benjamin?”
The little blue orb hovered over the hole in the glass desk. Clicking and spinning, it projected a moving hologram of a very awkward young girl. She was fighting off a team of ninja assassins with gleaming swords in their hands. They rushed at her, but the girl matched their assault fist for fist. Without warning, her attackers flew backward and hit the wall, where they crumbled like children’s toys.
“I like her style!” Matilda said.
Benjamin chirped. “Team, this is Gertrude Baker, formerly code-named Mathlete. Her talent was with equations, and her upgrades allowed her brain to process complex problems at lightning speed.”
“What kind of a lousy upgrade is that?” Matilda asked.
“Lame!” Jackson agreed.
Ruby shook her head. “With her supercalculator head she could predict the actions of her opponents and exploit their weaknesses. She could also calculate the correct balance and leverage needed to move impossibly heavy things.”
An image appeared of the girl leaping onto a beam jammed underneath a car. The car popped up and flipped several times.
“OK, that was cool,” Flinch said.
“Math made her into a superhero,” Duncan said. “So why’d she leave?”
“Her mother moved the family to Ohio when she divorced Gertrude’s father,” Ms. Holiday said. “Like many members of the team, her parents were unaware of her secret life. Parents in the dark sometimes make decisions for their children that take them away from us. Gerdie’s nano improvements were removed, and Matilda was brought in to be her replacement.”
“I was her replacement?” Matilda asked.
“Indeed. Though it appears she has continued to use her superior math skills,” Benjamin said.
“And they’ve led her to a life of crime,” Agent Brand said, joining the meeting with a stack of files under his arm. “We’re certain she’s behind the chaos in Ohio.”
Ms. Holiday gasped. “Alexander, I only met her once, but I can’t believe she would do such a thing.”
“How many thought the same of Heathcliff Hodges? Now he’s in a mental hospital for the criminally insane.”
“Actually, I had my suspicions about him,” Jackson said.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Holiday, but Mr. Brand is right,” Duncan said. “From what I’ve read, Gerdie is the only person in Akron—maybe even in North America—who has the brainpower to create a device that steals electricity. Though all that electricity is probably being used to power something else—something a lot more dangerous. I believe she’s messing around with the multiverse.”