An hour later Screwball was taken out of the hospital. Unfortunately, he had missed lunch—and it was taco day.
“If I am going to save the world, the very least you can do is feed me,” Screwball said as he was led in chains through the halls of Nathan Hale Elementary. Of course he knew he was a prisoner and responsible for the calamity that threatened to tear apart the universe, but would it have killed them to go through a drive-through or something?
“The cafeteria’s closed, bub,” the lunch lady said. The big brawny brute was escorting him, along with Pufferfish, Braceface, Flinch, Wheezer, Gluestick, and his goon.
“I will have tacos!” he pouted. “Pizza! A hot dog! I must feed my body and mind!”
“Kid, if you don’t calm down, I’m going to feed you this chain,” the lunch lady growled.
At once, the goon stepped forward and the two men shot each other deadly stares.
“You feeling froggy, pal?” the lunch lady said. “Why don’t you take a leap?”
The goon flashed his hooked hand.
“Am I supposed to be afraid? What are you going to do, open a can of SpaghettiOs on me?” the lunch lady asked.
“Calm down, my friend,” Screwball said to the goon.
“Listen to Nutball,” the lunch lady said.
“It’s Screwball!”
“Does it matter?” the lunch lady argued. “Tell your paid monkey not to be fooled by the dress. I got a right hook that feels like a hammer.”
“Let’s just get these two into the Playground, please,” Pufferfish said. “My feet are swelling up. Something dangerous is about to happen.”
“What do you think is causing it?” Braceface said.
“I think it’s radiation!” Pufferfish said. “I felt it when we met those talking dogs, and it’s all over Wheezer.”
“So, I’m radioactive?” Wheezer said. “Great! Couldn’t that be what you’re reacting to?”
Pufferfish shook her head. “Nope. This is bigger.”
“Graggghhh?” Flinch said, then turned the knob on his harness to calm himself. “Do you think it’s one of those tears?”
“Then we must get away,” Screwball said. He knew as well as anyone that dangerous things could step through those tears, and the NERDS were stupid enough to want to stay and fight whatever it was.
“What’s the matter, Hodges?” Jackson said. “Are you afraid you might have to face the consequences of your invention?”
Suddenly, a bright light appeared in the air in front of them in the hallway. An ear-shattering boom sent Screwball falling backward. He had only imagined the tears and had not seen one in person. It was both frightening and exciting at the same time. He could feel its raw power all around him.
“I hope whatever comes out of that hole eats you!” Matilda shouted.
Just then a battalion of figures dressed in strange silver suits raced out of the hole. At first glance they appeared human, but as the light from the tear dimmed, Screwball could see they were shaped more like gigantic grasshoppers. Their faces were flat and green with black, bulbous eyes. Two spindly antennae poked out of their foreheads, and their mouths were nothing but pinchers. Each held a strange weapon attached to tubes that led to tanks strapped on their shoulders.
“Looks like we’ve got an infestation of humans, people. Prepare for spraying,” one of the bugs said.
“Try to keep them in the hallway. If they get loose, they can go back to their lair and lay eggs. We all know what a hassle it is to clean them out,” another one said.
“Ugh, the contract said it was just some vermin. Not humans! We should get them on the phone and tell them it’s going to cost more. I don’t want anyone complaining about the bill when it comes,” a third bug said.
“I’ve heard these things are practically indestructible. They say they could survive a nuclear bomb. Filthy little things could crawl under a refrigerator and live until the end of time. Spray them!”
The bugs fired their weapons, spraying every corner of the hallway with a thick green liquid. Screwball couldn’t help but scream, and later he would feel embarrassed, but these were bugs—he hated bugs. Talking ones were even freakier. Luckily, the usually dimwitted Jackson sprang into action using his braces to build a shield that protected everyone from the toxic chemical.
Suddenly, the bugs were shouting at one another to stop the spraying.
“What kind of pest has its own force field, boss?” one of them asked.
“It must be a new strain! Keep spraying!”
The bugs continued their extermination with the same result.
“You have to stop this!” Screwball shouted at Pufferfish.
“Me? This is your fault!”
“Wait, did one of them talk? Guys, we’re not getting paid enough for this nonsense. You get that fat beetle on the phone and tell him we don’t do this kind of work. Humans that talk and have force fields need the military—not exterminators.”
“Nonsense!” another said. “It doesn’t matter what they can do; we were paid to clear them out. Get the flamethrower ready.”
“Flamethrower!” Screwball cried as he scurried behind his goon. “My friend, this is a perfect time for us to prove our trustworthiness. We need to sacrifice ourselves to save the others.”
“That’s genius, boss,” the goon said. “What do ya suggest?”
“Leap out and attack them,” Screwball said.
“Um, they’re shooting poison at us.”
“It will appear very brave,” he said. “Naturally, I will command you to do it, which will make them believe I have good intentions.”
“Where is the ‘we’ in this sacrifice?” the goon asked.
“Someone has to stay back to make sure the other’s sacrifice properly celebrated,” Screwball explained. “These fools are not smart enough to understand how selfless we’re being, and I will be there to remind them.”
“Why can’t I do the reminding and youse do the attacking ?” the goon grumbled.
“I would be happy to go! But tragically, I’m locked in chains, if you haven’t noticed. Can you even imagine the envy I have that you will be saving the day? Now, enough rubbing my nose in it. Go save us—but wait for my heroic command!”
The goon sighed.
“Minion! Stop these monsters and save us all!” Screwball shouted, then watched as the goon jumped into the fray. He punched one of the insects, then kicked another in its armored belly. He used his hook to slash the hoses that led to the poison tanks and had nearly wiped them all out when he turned and found a weapon pointed right in his face.
“I hate you creepy-crawly things!” the bug shouted and sprayed him in the face.
The goon screamed and clawed at his eyes. “I can’t see!”
Screwball watched as his former teammates leaped to the goon’s defense. Flinch snatched the giant bug and tossed him into the gaping, bright energy hole. Braceface used his shield to push others back, and Pufferfish leaped up, planting her foot into another’s face.
The rest of the bugs fled, running headfirst into the light, vanishing into nothing as the hole shrank and disappeared.
“We’ve got to get this one to the infirmary,” the lunch lady said, as he hefted the goon over his shoulder.
Screwball saw his employee’s face was red and swollen, covered in horrible blisters. He was a mess! What luck! He couldn’t have planned it better himself.
“Did you see what I did, old friends?” Screwball asked. “Did you see the sacrifice I made? I commanded my only companion to save us all. I hope that you will see how courageous that was of me. Clearly, I’m trustworthy.”
Everyone stared at him in disbelief.
Could they really not see his sacrifice? “I was quite heroic commanding my goon to save us—selfless, you could say.”
They continued to stare.
“Really! I’m without a goon now. Do you know what it feels like for an evil genius to be without a goon? It’s like being naked!”