P.S. I have yet to receive a reply from your organization regarding my previous communication suggesting an annual swimsuit issue.
Later that evening, Max sniffed his way down the dark upstairs hallway on his usual midnight patrol. Snuffling along the baseboards, he made his way down the hall to the bedrooms at the end. Inquisitively, he approached the door leading to Avery’s room. A dull light emanated from below the closed door. Taking a whiff under the door, the little dog shook his head and sneezed, sending his collar tags jangling. Max lifted his hind leg and marked the door. Satisfied that his house was safe, Max returned down the hall to his master’s bedroom. Leaping onto the foot of the bed, he curled up by Bennett’s feet and snored himself off to dreamland.
Inside his office, Avery sat at his makeshift picnic table workstation covered with monitors. Typing away with the index finger of his left hand, his right hand furiously scrolled his mouse across his X-Men-themed mouse pad as he scanned various websites and message boards. Briefly interrupting his typing, he reached for the Mountain Dew can to his left. Bringing the can to his mouth, his attention still glued to the flashing monitors in front of him, Avery searched in vain for the straw that wasn’t there.
“Miserable, good-for-nothing Polly,” Avery cursed under his breath as he took a long slug before replacing the can and reaching into the pocket of his bathrobe for his eleventh praline of the night. Clicking through different conspiracy and monster-hunting websites, he fumed to himself at the lack of bandwidth his local cable provider offered. Clicking with his mouse, Avery pulled a program up on one of his monitors. It was a program he built himself. The application’s icon was a small picture of Albert Einstein. Double-clicking the scientist’s face, he activated the automated Internet search engine designed to scour cyberspace for recent references regarding chupacabras. The monitor screen began to slowly populate with references.
Turning his attention to another monitor, Avery typed the website address www.MonsterTruthersMessageBoard.com into the browser and hit the “Enter” key. The homepage of the site that pulled up showed a collection of black and white photos of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, fairies, and other mysterious and mythical creatures. The banner at the top of the page proclaimed “Monsters Can Run, But They Can’t Hide.” A counter at the bottom of the webpage showed fours users logged into the message board section. Avery logged in with his username of “NinjaMan,” and the counter clicked over to read five. Avery scanned the recent chat threads in the online chat forum section of the site, clicking on one entitled Monster Sightings. “HammerheadSam,” “Grindylow,” “WitchBitch,” and “Cannibal520” were all exchanging messages. Avery knew them well. He began typing in the “Enter Message” window. When he was finished, he pressed the “Enter” key to post the message for the others to see.
From: NinjaMan – Cannibal520, any updates on chupacabra activity in the Arizona sector?
Avery finished off the last of his Mountain Dew while he waited for a reply. A few seconds later, Cannibal520’s reply posted.
From: Cannibal520 – Nothing here. I do have a three-headed turtle sighting and a possible lead on a unicorn in Nevada. Hey, anyone out there interested in buying a Bigfoot plaster print? I paid this guy in Texas $200 for it a while back, but I’m willing to let it go for $100. I need to buy some more RAM for my computer.
From: Grindylow – I’ll trade you some jackalope antlers for it.
From: Cannibal520 – No, thanks, Grindylow, I really need the cash.
From: NinjaMan – Grindylow, how about chupacabra sightings in Louisiana?
From: Grindylow – Couple of Loup Garou spotted late last week on a plantation outside of Thibodaux. Close enough?
From: NinjaMan – Not the same.
From: HammerheadSam – Sorry, NinjaMan. Nessie sightings are up twenty-six percent, Bigfoot and Yeti sightings down eight percent, and goblins unchanged. No chupacabras here in Florida, but I did get some confirmation on a day-walking vampire in Tampa.
From: NinjaMan – BFD, probably just another Scientologist. Whatever you do, don’t give it your Social Security Number.
From: WitchBitch – Hey, guys. I’m coming down from New Jersey next weekend for BloodSplatterFestXII in Las Vegas. Anyone want to be my date? Lots of great horror film premieres.
From: HammerheadSam – OMG! I’ll go!
From: WitchBitch – I thought you couldn’t leave the state of Florida?
From: HammerheadSam – I’ll cut my ankle monitor off!
From: WitchBitch – I don’t know. How about you, NinjaMan? You’re really hot, and I’ve never been with a guy who has been into orbit before.
Avery choked on the last of the pralines he was eating as he realized what WitchBitch was referring to. He’d posted a picture of a young Lee Majors as his photo avatar and listed his occupation as former astronaut when he originally registered on the site.
From: Cannibal520 – NinjaMan, if you drive, you can crash at my place in Tucson on the way. I’ll make my Mom sleep on the couch and you can have her room.
From: WitchBitch – Come on, NinjaMan. It’ll be totally awesome. I’m even going to wear my gold Princess Leia metal bikini! LOL.
Avery went to type, “Oh, darn, I’m busy that weekend working on a secret project for a foreign government.” Unfortunately, when Avery hit the “H” key, a small piece of the praline he was eating fell from his mouth and jammed in the keyboard. Instead of “Oh” he typed “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Panicking, Avery went to hit the “Delete” key but mistakenly hit the “Enter” key below it. An instant later, his reply posted on the board.
From: NinjaMan – Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
From: WitchBitch – WTF, NinjaMan? Are you masturbating?
From: HammerheadSam – I am, Leia! Could you type, “The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers,” for me. Please!
From: WitchBitch – Sick ass pervert!