“Why!”
“Because an open mind is Satan’s favorite toy. An open mind is like the Devil’s Xbox. He’ll play with it all day long and fill it with wickedness and sin. No, my friends, our minds aren’t open. We read this Bible word for holy word. Those that don’t will find themselves cast into the pits of Hell, and Matthew 13 tells us what that’s like. It’s full of wailing and gnashing of teeth. And for those without teeth, never fear. Spare teeth will be provided! Yes, sir, a furnace of fire awaits the unsaved sinners, but some people just don’t get it. You know, just last week I was watching the television, and can you believe what I heard?
“No! What was it? Tell us!” came the congregation’s reply.
“This show on the television was explaining what the center of the earth was made of. Can you believe it? For two thousand years we’ve known the center of the earth is Hell, and here is this television show with so-called scientists trying to pawn off some ridiculous explanation of the earth’s core. All they needed to do was read this,” Preacher Naughton said as he again held his Bible aloft. “It says right here that Hell is filled with fire and brimstone. You know what brimstone is, don’t you?”
“What?!”
“It’s another word for sulfur. Now, in my day, I’ve known many a fellow that’s worked on an oil well. And I’ve been told time and time again that when you start to drill really deep, you start to smell sulfur. That’s because the deeper you get, the closer you are to the Devil. Any time you smell sulfur, Lucifer is near! In fact, if you ever find yourself using a restroom stall in a public place and you smell sulfur from the stall next to you, get away as fast as you can. Because that person, sure as shooting, has the Devil in them!”
“You can get the Devil in your colon?” Jolene asked Polly in a whispered voice.
“Apparently so,” Polly replied.
“That explains why my ex-husband was such a bastard,” Jolene deadpanned.
“And then,” Preacher Naughton said as he continued his rant, “the scientists on this show were followed by another program that suggested even more ridiculous blasphemy. Life on other planets! Seriously! I’m not making this up! Can you believe it? They were saying that all those twinkling little stars you see in the night sky are actually suns with little earth-like planets floating around them. Unbelievable! Well, at least they got one thing right. There are sons in the Bible. The sons of Abraham!”
“Amen! Halleluiah!” the congregation rhapsodized.
“I tell you what,” Preacher Naughton said as he wiped the sweat from his brow. “These so-called scientists ought to just starting digging holes right in their own backyards. It’ll just make it that much easier for Satan to take them straight to Hell on Judgment Day. Boy, am I wound up today! Turn to 493 in your hymnals. We’re going to sing Lucifer right out of here. Hit it, boys!” Preacher Naughton said to the band as the congregation rose and belted out “Onward, Christian Soldiers” with the choir.
“Oh, dear!” Little Esther, sitting on the aisle, said as she noticed that the bright red ball of yarn she had been knitting from had fallen from the pew and was rolling down the sloped aisle of the sanctuary. Grabbing the sock she was knitting, she tried vainly to reel in the runaway ball of yarn, causing it tumble down the aisle even quicker. Holding her breath in fear, she watched the yarn ball unravel itself all the way to the front of the room, coming to rest at the base of Preacher Naughton’s podium. The preacher peered down over the top of the podium and examined the marauding ball of yarn. As the congregation continued to boisterously sing with the band and choir, Preacher Naughton stepped off the stage and picked up the offending ball of red yarn. Slowly, he began to reel it in as he followed its trail back up the aisle. Methodically wrapping the yarn back around the ball, he made his way closer and closer to Little Esther, who was sitting on tenterhooks. By this time, the rest of the girls and most of the congregation had noticed the situation unfolding. The girls nervously looked back and forth at each other as Preacher Naughton continued to close the distance to them.
“What part of ‘try and be inconspicuous’ didn’t you understand?” Pearl hissed at Little Esther.
“Cut the music!” Preacher Naughton commanded as he reached the last row of pews. The room fell into complete silence. “Well, good morning, ladies. I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting the four of you before. Is this your first time visiting our humble little church?”
“Yes, it is, sir, uh, your Holiness, uh Reverend,” Polly nervously stammered.
“Preacher Naughton will do just fine,” he said as he handed the ball of yarn back to Little Esther.
“We came with a friend…” Polly began as she suddenly felt Pearl, who was sitting beside her, kick her in the shin underneath the pew. “I mean, we came looking to meet new friends.”
“I see,” said Preacher Naughton. “Of course, we always welcome newcomers to our flock, however, only if they’re willing to become true believers. Are you truly interested in attending our services?” Little Esther, Big Esther, Jolene and Polly glanced at each other and then meekly nodded in agreement. “Are you willing to be saved?” The girls nervously nodded again. “Excellent!” Preacher Naughton exclaimed as he held his Bible aloft once more. “To the river!”
“What’s going on?” Big Esther cried out as the congregation swarmed the four women and pulled them toward the back door of the church.
“Thank you, Jesus!” Preacher Naughton exclaimed as he led the throng of ecstatic worshippers surrounding the timid ladies out the back of the church. “Thank you for giving us this opportunity to save four souls in your name in one day!”
“Pearl!” Polly screamed out. “Where are they taking us?”
“To the river,” replied Pearl, walking behind the rear of the group. “It’s baptizing time!”
“But I’ve already been baptized,” replied Polly.
“Not by Preacher Naughton, you haven’t,” Pearl laughed.
“Help us, Pearl,” Jolene pleaded as she caught sight of the muddy drainage canal behind the church. “They’re going to drown us like witches!”
“Don’t worry,” replied Pearl. “If you get washed downstream, you’ll come to a low-water dam about a mile down river. Just try to grab a hold of it. I’ll come pick you up later.”
“What!” cried Little Esther. “I’m not a strong swimmer!”
“Can you hold your breath?” Pearl asked.
“No!”
“Well, you might be in a pickle, then,” Pearl laughed.
“Pearl! Don’t you tease Little Esther like that,” Polly scolded. “Honey, you don’t worry about a thing,” she said to the trembling Little Esther. “Just do what the preacher says.”
Gathering at the edge of the drainage canal, Preacher Naughton handed his white suit coat to a member of the church and encouraged the girls to join him at the edge of the muddy water. Members of the congregation reached down to remove the girls’ shoes.
“Join me, ladies!” Preacher Naughton cried out as he waded into the dark water. Hesitantly the girls followed, trying to hold their balance in the flowing water filled with sticks and the occasional stray plastic bag.
“Don’t worry, ladies,” Pearl yelled out. “I’ve got your purses!”
“Doesn’t exactly look like the River Jordan to me,” Polly murmured under her breath as she struggled to stay upright and simultaneously hold down her dress to keep it from floating up over her waist. The ladies took their places upriver of Preacher Naughton as they turned and faced the canal bank, which was lined with the members of the church’s congregation softly singing “Baptize Us Anew” in unison.