My heart started racing. Did his words hold the hint of a hidden invitation? An allusion to the very topic I had been so apprehensive about broaching? I felt as if nearing the conclusion of some game of nerves, like threading the loop over the wire, I had just a short way left to go without making a mistake.
“It’s been over three years since she died—two more than the year she gave me to mourn her. Every night, I can almost hear her whispering into my ear, ‘Settle down now, forget the old. Marry, have a child, build a new trinity.’ I thought it would be a simple matter, but in truth, I haven’t been able to follow through. Even though I’ve been wanting, even though I’ve been lonely. Perhaps it’s a matter of confidence, of being sure one can fulfill the expectations from the other side. Do you know what I mean?”
I didn’t. Was he letting me know, gently, of his disinterest? Declining politely before I posed the question? “Don’t you want to get married?” I found myself asking, more plainly than I would have liked. Then, when Karun didn’t reply, I added, “I do.”
“I know.”
“But you don’t want to,” I murmured, completing the thought for him. A huge weight seemed to lift from me as I said this. The loop had touched the wire, the buzzer had gone off to announce I had lost. The suspense was over, I could breathe in the monsoon air freely.
“It’s not that I don’t. There’s nothing I’d like better than to belong again, be part of my own family. I think I just worry too much about not knowing how things might turn out. Sometimes when you get close to someone, they end up caring for you differently. All the certainty people have—that you have—I wish I could feel the same.”
Was he trying to caution me about something? I couldn’t quite decipher his warning. “One is never completely sure, of course, but one has to try.”
Here was my opportunity, I knew, to follow up on Uma’s advice. I closed my eyes and brought my face to his, guided only by the thought of his lips. When I neared enough to sense his breath, I pressed my mouth quickly to his. Then I withdrew noiselessly, afraid of the bird-like sound my parents made on the rare occasions they kissed. I opened my eyes, but didn’t allow my gaze to climb too high up Karun’s face.
Did my adventurousness put the onus on him to reciprocate? Did he really want to kiss me back, or did he feel obliged, had I embarrassed him into it? I kept my attention focused on the line that first drew me in. It darkened in the middle, then separated in two, then blurred as his mouth drew closer. If there was drama in the universe, it should have started raining at that instant, but it didn’t. There should have been thunder in the background to commemorate the event, lightning to illuminate the instant of contact. I felt the swell of his lips against mine, tasted the salt from the sea on their surface. The wetness behind them felt warm and strangely personal on my tongue. Something in my mind shrank from the idea of sharing saliva, but it was precisely this intimacy—so shocking, so electrifying—that left the muscles in my throat engorged and took away my breath.
We kissed again, and this time it did begin to rain. Slowly at first, then in a majestic sweep, and then, as the wind picked up, in large sheets that billowed in from over the sea and spun and whipped around the tower. The water seeped into my hair and pelted my face, but I didn’t relinquish the contact my lips engaged in. Thunder started up, slowly at first, like a deep and distant drumbeat rolling in from somewhere near the horizon. It danced over the water, coming closer all the time, as if heralding the approach of the long-awaited ocean liner, which would surely be looming right behind us if I looked. But I kept my eyes closed, and my mouth upon his, until the thunder subsided, and bells began to ring.
Except they weren’t bells, but whistles, and they came not from the sea, but from the guard below. He sprinted towards the tower, waving his hands, blowing his warning angrily. Round the pool stood the teenage swimmers, forced out by the rain, jabbering and pointing at us like excited monkeys.
“We should go down,” Karun whispered.
I was about to follow when the realization came to me. We had kissed, it was true, but the compact between us had not yet been sealed. There was another step needed to affirm us as a couple—a ceremony to test his commitment to me. Standing up there on the tower, amidst the drama of the clouds and the whistles and the rain, I saw it. The chance to leave our old selves behind, make the break together to be free. “No, not that way,” I said. Would he care enough to accompany me?
He didn’t understand until I began to edge backwards along the platform. “You can’t be serious, Sarita.” He stared in bewilderment as I reached the diving board. “You hardly even know how to swim.”
Some of the boys below guessed my intentions as well. “Jump, jump,” they shouted, as the watchman began racing up the steps two at a time.
Karun advanced towards me. “Don’t go any further, Sarita, or you might fall off. Here, take my hand.”
“Only if you come with me.” Gingerly, I put one foot on the diving board, then the other. The rain had made it slippery, but I balanced on it, testing its stiffness, gauging how it bent under my weight. The water looked agonizingly far, like something designed for a daredevil act—visions of the boy who had struck his head and drowned flashed through my brain. It would all be worth it, I told myself, as I tried to focus on the new life awaiting.
I reached the middle of the diving board. “Grab hold of me. I’ll pull you back,” Karun said, and this time he managed to clasp my hand. For a moment, I almost let him bring me in. But then the watchman, whistling and gesticulating, burst upon the platform. I took an instinctive step back, and the shift in weight made me lose my balance. In the split second before I fell, I released Karun’s hand, but the momentum pulled him along as well.
I’d expected the jump to be exhilarating, like riding down a glass-enclosed elevator, with breathtaking vistas of the city flashing by. Instead, blinding rain obliterated the views, the sensation of falling was petrifying. The water packed a nasty wallop as I tore through its surface, knocking the wind from my chest and, it seemed, shooting up into my very cranium.
But it didn’t really matter, because when I surfaced, Karun emerged right next to me. The boys around the rim hooted and clapped as he wrapped an arm around my body. As the thunder added its own applause and the engorged clouds lavished us with blessings, Karun towed me to safety.
3
SUPERDEVI RELEASED THAT SUMMER, DELUGING EVEN NON-MOVIE people like us with its hype. The most expensive Indian film ever made, thanks to the backing of both Hollywood and the Indian mafia! Lata M. teams up for her techno comeback with Lady Gaga (who Uma said was a famous pop star)—their title duet rockets to the top of charts worldwide! And up in the sky, a bird, a jet—no, Superdevi herself, zooming overhead behind a prop plane as we sat (and tried to ignore her) on the beach at Chowpatty. Supposedly, the script borrowed extensively from Slumdog Millionaire and Superman (films which neither of us had seen) in telling the story of a young girl from the Mumbai slums with the power to assume different avatars of Devi to fight crime. Uma kept herding us to McDonald’s, which was giving away all nine incarnations from the movie as collectible action figures throughout India (and parts of England and New Jersey), free with food purchases (vegetarian only, so as not to upset Hindu sentiments). She collected eight of the figures, turning off the light at home to show us how they glowed in the dark just like Superdevi. Despite foisting dozens of McAloo Tikki sandwiches on us, however, she never managed to acquire the elusive Kali incarnation (toting her AK-47 from the final battle scene).