"Is Whitelady the one who collaborated with-what was the name of the guy now-Fenprick? You know, they did this comedy together-what the hell was the name of it-"
A very cunning young redskin sod, ought to be kept on his reservation. Enderby was Not going to have this. "Are you quite sure you mean Fenprick, er er-"
"Running Deer is the name, professor. It might have been Fencock. A lot of these British names sound crazy."
Enderby looked long on him. "The dates of Richard Fenpick," he said, "-note that it is pick not prick, by the way, er er-" Running Deer, indeed. He must sometime look through the admission cards they were supposed to hand in. "His dates are 1574-1619. He could hardly have collaborated with er-" He checked the name from the board. "Er Whitelady unless he had been a sort of infant prodigy, and I can assure you he was er not." He now felt a hunger to say more about this Fenpick, whose career and even physical lineaments were being presented most lucidly to a wing of his brain which, he was sure, had been newly erected between the heart attack and now. "What," he said with large energy and confidence, "we most certainly do know about er Fenpick is his instrumentality in bringing the Essex rebellion to a happy conclusion." To his shock the hand of the girl who had just come in with that oversexed lout there, still panting, shot up. She cried:
"Happy for whom?"
"For er everybody concerned," Enderby er affirmed. "It had happened before in history, English naturally, as Whatsis-name's own er conveniently or inconveniently dramatised."
"Inconvenient for whom?"
"For er those concerned."
"What she means is," said the red-thatched beer-swollen Irish student, "that the movie was on last night. The Late Late Date-with-the-Great Show. What Bette Davis called it was Richard Two."
"Elizabeth and Essex," the buttoned girl said. "It failed and she had his head cut off but she cries because it's a Cruel Necessity."
"What Professor Enderby was trying to say," the Kickapoo said, "was that the record is all a lie. There was really a King Robert the First on the British throne, disguised as the Queen." Enderby looked bitterly at him, saying:
"Are you trying to take the-Are you having a go?"
"Pardon me?"
"The vital statistics," a young Talmudist said, pencil poised at the ready. "This Whitelady."
"Who? Ah, yes."
"The works."
"The works," Enderby said, with refocillated energy. "Ah, yes. One long poem on a classical theme, the love of er Hostus for Primula. The title, I mean the hero and heroine, are eponymous." He clearly saw a first edition of the damned poem with title page a horrid mixture of typefaces, fat ill-drawn nymphs on it, a round chop which said Bibliotheca Somethingorother. "Specimen lines," he continued boldly:
"Then as the moon engilds the Thalian fields
The nymph her er knotted maidenhead thus yields,
In joy the howlets owl it to the night,
In joy fair Cynthia augments her light,
The bubbling conies in their warrens er move
And simulate the transports of their love."
"But that's beautiful," said the beautiful Latin nymph, unfat, un-ill-drawn, unknotted.
"Crap," the Talmudist offered. "The transports of whose love?"
"Theirs, of course," Enderby said. "Primavera and the er her lover."
"There were six plays," the Kickapoo said, "if I remember correctly."
"Seven," Enderby said, "if you count the one long attributed to er Sidebottom-"
"Crazy British names."
"But now pretty firmly established as mainly the work of er the man we're dealing with, with an act and a half by an unknown hand."
"How can they tell?"
"Computer work," Enderby said vaguely. "Cybernetic wonders in Texas or some such place." He saw now fairly clearly that he would have to be for the chop. Or no, no, I quit. This was intolerable.
"What plays?" the Chinese next to the Talmudist said, a small round cheerful boy, perhaps an assistant cook in his spare time or main time if this were his spare time.
"Yes," with fine briskness. "Take these down. What do you lack, fair mistress? A comedy, done by the Earl of Leicester's Men, 1588. The Tragedy of Canicula, Earl of Sussex's Men, the same year. A year later came The History of Lambert Simnel, performed at court for the Shrovetide Revels. And then there was, let me see-"
"Where can we get hold of them?" the melanonipponese said crossly. "I mean, there's not much point in just having the titles."
"Impossible," prompt Enderby said. "Long out of print. It's only important for your purpose that you know that Longbottom that is to say Whitelady actually existed-"
"But how do we know he did?" There were two very obdurate strains in this mixed Coast girl.
"Records," Enderby said. "Look it all up in the appropriate books. Use your library, that's what it's for. One cannot exaggerate the importance of er his contribution to the medium, as an influence that is, the influence of his rhythm is quite apparent in the earlier plays of er-"
"Mangold Smotherwild," the Kickapoo said, no longer sneeringly outside the creative process but almost sweatily in the middle of it. Enderby saw that he could always say that he had been trying out a new subject called Creative Literary History. They might even write articles about it: The Use of the Fictive Alternative World in the Teaching of Literature. Somebody called out: "Specimen."
"No trouble at all," Enderby said. "In the first scene of Give you good den good my masters you have a soliloquy by a minor character named Retchpork. It goes, as I remember, something like this:
"So the world ticks, aye, like to a tocking dock
On th' wall of naked else infinitude,
And I am hither come to lend an ear
To manners, modes and bawdries of this town
In hope to school myself in knavery.
Aye, 'tis a knavish world wherein the whore
And bawd and pickpurse, he of the quatertrey,
The coneycatcher, prigger, jack o' trumps
Do profit mightily while the studious lamp
Affords but little glimmer to the starved
And studious partisan of learning's lore.
Therefore, I say, am I come hither, aye,
To be enrolled in knavish roguery.
But soft, who's this? Aye, marry, by my troth,
A subject apt for working on. Good den,
My master, prithee what o'clock hast thou,
You I would say, and have not hast, forgive
Such rustical familiarity
From one unlearn'd in all the lore polite
Of streets, piazzas and the panoply
Of populous cities-
Something like that, anyway," Enderby said. "I could go on if you wished. But it's all a bit dull."
"If it's all a bit dull," the Irish one said, "why do we have to have it?"
"I thought you said he was influential," somebody else complained.
"Well, he was. Dully influential," the Kickapoo said.
"Dead at thirty-two," Enderby said, having checked with the blackboard data. "Dead in a duel or perhaps of the French pox or of a surfeit of pickled herrings and onions in vinegar with crushed peppercorns and sour ale or, of course, of the plague. It was a pretty bad year for the plague, I think, 1591." He saw Whitelady peering beseechingly at him, a white face from the shades, begging for a good epitaph. "He was nothing," Enderby said brutally, the face flinching as though from blows, "so you can forget about him. One of the unknown poets who never properly mastered their craft, spurned by the Muse." The whole luggage of Elizabethan drama was now, unfantasticated by fictional additions, neatly stacked before him. He knew what was in it and what wasn't. This Whitelady wasn't there. And yet, as the mowing face and haunted eyes, watching his, showed, in a sense he was. "The important thing," Enderby pronounced, "is to get yourself born. You're entitled to that. But you're not entitled to life. Because if you were entitled to life, then the life would have to be quantified. How many years? Seventy? Sixty? Shakespeare was dead at fifty-two. Keats was dead at twenty-six. Thomas Chatterton at seventeen. How much do you think you're entitled to, you?" he asked the Kickapoo.