"One cup," repeated the judge.
"No, don't trouble yourself, Demyan Demyanovich."
With that, Ivan Ivanovich bowed and sat down.
"One little cup?"
"Oh, very well, one little cup," said Ivan Ivanovich, reaching toward the tray.
Lord God! such bottomless refinement some people have! It's impossible to describe what a pleasant impression such behavior makes!
"Wouldn't you care for another cup?"
"I humbly thank you," replied Ivan Ivanovich, placing the cup upside down on the tray and bowing.
"Be so kind, Ivan Ivanovich!"
"I can't. Thank you very much." With that, Ivan Ivanovich bowed and sat down.
"Ivan Ivanovich! be a friend, one little cup!"
"No, much obliged."
Having said this, Ivan Ivanovich bowed and sat down.
"Just one cup! one little cup!"
Ivan Ivanovich reached toward the tray and took a cup.
Pah! damnation! How some people are able, how they manage to maintain their dignity!
"Demyan Demyanovich," Ivan Ivanovich said as he finished the last sip, "I've come to you on some necessary business. I'm putting in a claim." With that, Ivan Ivanovich set down his cup and took from his pocket a sheet of official stamped paper with writing on it. "A claim against an enemy of mine, a sworn enemy."
"Who might that be?"
"Ivan Nikiforovich Dovgochkhun."
At these words the judge nearly fell off his chair.
"What are you saying!" he uttered, clasping his hands. "Ivan Ivanovich, is this you?"
"You can see for yourself it is."
"The Lord God and all his saints be with you! What! you, Ivan Ivanovich, have become enemies with Ivan Nikiforovich? Is it your lips saying so? Repeat it again! Someone must be hiding behind you and talking in your place!…"
"What's so incredible about it? I can't bear the sight of him; he has mortally offended me, insulted my honor."
"Most holy Trinity! how will I ever make my mother believe it now? And she, the old lady, says to me every day, when I quarrel with my sister, 'You children live like cat and dog together. Why don't you take example from Ivan Ivanovich and Ivan Nikiforovich? There are two real friends! Such friends! Such worthy people!' That's friends for you! Tell me, what was it? how?"
"It's a delicate matter, Demyan Demyanovich! impossible to put into words. Better order my petition to be read. Here, take it from this side, it's more fitting."
"Read it, Taras Tikhonovich!" said the judge, turning to the secretary.
Taras Tikhonovich took the petition and, having blown his nose with the aid of two fingers, as all court secretaries do, began to read:
"From Ivan, son of Ivan, Pererepenko, gentleman of the Mirgorod region and landowner, a petition; and on what, the points follow herewith:
"1. Known to the whole world for his iniquitous, loathsome, and beyond-all-measure law-breaking actions, the gentleman, Ivan, son of Nikifor, Dovgochkhun, on the 7th of July of the year 1810 instant, did occasion me a mortal offense, as much in reference to my personal honor as in equal measure to the humiliation and embarrassment of my rank and name. This gentleman, being of vile appearance, is likewise of an abusive character and filled with all sorts of blasphemy and abuse…"
Here the reader paused briefly in order to blow his nose again, and the judge pressed his hands together in awe and only kept saying to himself:
"What a glib pen! Lord God! how the man can write!"
Ivan Ivanovich asked for the reading to proceed, and Taras Tikhonovich went on:
"This gentleman, Ivan, son of Nikifor, Dovgochkhun, when I came to him with friendly offers, publicly called me by a name offensive to me and defaming to my honor, namely: goose, whereas it is known to the whole Mirgorod region that I have hitherto in no way ever been called, and have no intention of being called, this vile animal. And the proof of my noble origin is that the day of my birth, and equally well the baptism I received, have been recorded in the register of the Church of the Three Hierarchs. 7 A goose, as is known to all who are at least somewhat versed in science, cannot be recorded in a register, for a goose is not a person but a bird, which fact is positively known to everyone, even if they have not gone to school. But the said malignant gentleman, being informed of all this, with no other purpose than that of occasioning me an offense mortifying to my rank and estate, did abuse me with the said vile word.
"2. This same improper and indecent gentleman also encroached upon my familial property, received by me from my parent, of the clerical estate, Ivan, of blessed memory, son of Onisy, Pererepenko, by transposing, contrary to all law, a goose pen directly opposite my porch, doing so with no other intention than that of aggravating the offense already inflicted upon me, for the said pen had hitherto been standing in a suitable place and was still quite sturdy. But the loathsome intent of the above-mentioned gentleman consisted solely in turning me into a witness of indecent goings-on, for it is known that no one goes to a pen, still less to a goose pen, on decent business. In this illegal act, the two front posts intruded upon my own land, which I received while my parent Ivan, of blessed memory, son of Onisy, Pererepenko, was still alive, and which, starting from the barn, went in a straight line all the way to where the women wash their pots.
"3. The above-depicted gentleman, whose very name and surname inspire all possible loathing, nurses in his heart the wicked intention of setting fire to me in my own house. Indubitable tokens of which are manifest in the following: 1st, the said malignant gentleman has begun to emerge from his rooms frequently, something he never undertook before, on account of his laziness and the vile corpulence of his body; 2nd, in his servant's quarters, which are adjacent to the fence surrounding my land, received by me from my late parent, Ivan, of blessed memory, son of Onisy, Pererepenko, a light burns every day and for an extraordinary length of time, which is already manifest evidence, for hitherto, in his miserly avarice, not only the tallow candle but even the night lamp was always put out.
"And therefore I request that the said gentleman, Ivan, son of Nikifor, Dovgochkhun, being guilty of arson, of insult to my rank, name, and family, and of the thievish appropriation of property, and above all of the base and reprehensible appending to my family name of the appellation goose, have a penalty imposed on him, with payment of expenses and losses, and be condemned himself as a trespasser, put in chains, and taken to jail, which decision with respect to my petition should be handed down at once and without fail.
"Written and composed by Mirgorod landowner Ivan, son of Ivan, Pererepenko, gentleman."
After the reading of the petition, the judge went up to Ivan Ivanovich, took him by the button, and began speaking to him almost like this:
"What are you doing, Ivan Ivanovich! For fear of God, drop this petition, let it perish! (May Satan visit its dreams!) Better take Ivan Nikiforovich by the hands, and kiss each other, and buy a bottle of Santurin or Nikopolis, or else just make a little punch, and invite me! We'll drink together and forget the whole thing!"
"No, Demyan Demyanovich! it is not that sort of affair," Ivan Ivanovich said with that importance which was always so becoming to him. "Not the sort of affair that can be resolved in amicable agreement. Good-bye! Good-bye to you, too, gentlemen!" he went on with the same importance, addressing them all. "I hope my petition will produce the proper effect." And he walked out, leaving the whole office in amazement.
The judge sat without saying a word; the secretary took some snuff; the office boys overturned the broken piece of bottle they used as an inkstand; and the judge himself absentmindedly smeared the puddle of ink over the table with his finger.
"What do you say to that, Dorofei Trofimovich?" said the judge, turning to the court clerk after some silence.