"Greetings, Pyotr Fyodorovich!" cried Ivan Ivanovich, who, as has already been said, was very inquisitive and was simply unable to restrain his impatience at the sight of the police chief storming the porch steps, but still not raising his eyes and quarreling with his infantry, which was in no way capable of taking a step at a single try.
"I wish good day to my gentle friend and benefactor, Ivan Ivanovich!" replied the police chief.
"I ask you kindly to sit down. I see you're tired, because your wounded leg hinders…"
"My leg!" cried the police chief, casting one of those looks at Ivan Ivanovich that a giant casts at a pigmy or a learned pedant at a dancing master. With that he raised his leg and stamped on the floor. This brave act cost him dearly, however, because his whole body lurched and his nose pecked the railing; but the wise guardian of order didn't bat an eye, straightened himself up at once, and went to his pocket as if in order to produce his snuffbox. "About myself I may inform you, my gentle friend and benefactor, Ivan Ivanovich, that in my lifetime I've taken part in all sorts of campaigns. Yes, seriously, I have. For instance, during the campaign of eighteen-oh-seven… Ah, let me tell you how I once climbed a fence after a pretty little German girl." At this the police chief screwed up one eye and gave a devilishly sly smile.
"And where have you been today?" asked Ivan Ivanovich, wishing to interrupt the police chief, the sooner to bring him to the reason for his visit; he would have liked very much to ask what it was that the police chief intended to tell him; but a refined knowledge of the world presented to him all the indecency of such a question, and Ivan Ivanovich had to restrain himself and wait for the answer, his heart meanwhile pounding with extraordinary force.
"If you please, I'll tell you where I've been," answered the police chief. "First of all, I must inform you that the weather today is excellent…"
At these last words Ivan Ivanovich nearly died.
"But, if you please," the police chief went on. "I've come to you today on a rather important matter." Here the police chief's face and bearing adopted the same preoccupied attitude with which he had stormed the porch.
Ivan Ivanovich revived and trembled as in a fever, being prompt, as usual, to ask a question:
"What's important about it? Is it really important?"
"Only consider, if you please: first of all, I venture to inform you, my gentle friend and benefactor, Ivan Ivanovich, that you… for my part, I… please consider, it's nothing to me; but governmental considerations, governmental considerations require it: you have violated the rules of proper order!…"
"What are you saying, Pyotr Fyodorovich? I don't understand a thing."
"Good gracious, Ivan Ivanovich! How is it you don't understand a thing? Your own animal stole a very important official document, and after that you say you don't understand a thing!"
"What animal?"
"Your own brown sow, if you please."
"And what fault is that of mine? The court guard shouldn't leave the door open!"
"But, Ivan Ivanovich, it's your own animal-that means it's your fault."
"I humbly thank you for making me equal to a sow."
"Now, I didn't say that, Ivan Ivanovich! By God, I didn't! Please judge in pure conscience: it is known to you, beyond any doubt, that according to the official rules, unclean animals are forbidden to walk about the town, more especially the main streets of the town. You must agree it's forbidden."
"God knows what your saying! A big thing if a sow goes out in the street!"
"If you please, Ivan Ivanovich, I must inform you, if you please, if you please, this is absolutely impossible! There's no help for it.
Authority wills-we must obey. I don't argue, chickens and geese sometimes run around in the streets and even in the square- chickens and geese, mark you-but as for pigs and goats, I already gave instructions last year not to allow them in the public squares. Which instructions I ordered read aloud before all the assembled people."
"No, Pyotr Fyodorovich, I see nothing here, except that you are trying in every way to offend me."
"Now, that you cannot say, my most gentle friend and benefactor-that I am trying to offend you. You remember: I didn't say a word last year when you built a roof a whole three feet higher than the regulation measure. On the contrary, I made it seem as if I'd ignored it completely. Believe me, my most gentle friend, even now I would completely, so to speak… but my duty-in short, responsibility demands the observance of cleanliness. Judge for yourself, if on the main street suddenly…"
"Much good your main streets are! The women all go there to throw out whatever they don't need."
"If you please, I must inform you, Ivan Ivanovich, that it is you who are offending me! True, it does happen occasionally, but for the most part only by the fence, the sheds, or the storehouses; but that a sow in farrow should get into the main street, into the square, such a thing…"
"What of it, Pyotr Fyodorovich! Sows are God's creatures!"
"I agree! The whole world knows that you're a learned man. You know science and various other subjects. I never studied any science, of course. I began learning to write longhand when I was going on thirty. As you know, I came up from the ranks."
"Hm!" said Ivan Ivanovich.
"Yes," the police chief went on, "in the year eighteen-oh-one I was a lieutenant in the fourth company of the forty-second regiment of chasseurs. Our company commander, be it known to you, was Captain Yeremeev." Here the police chief poked his fingers into the snuffbox that Ivan Ivanovich was holding open while rubbing the snuff.
Ivan Ivanovich replied:
"Hm!"
"But it is my duty," the police chief went on, "to obey the demands of the government. Do you know, Ivan Ivanovich, that someone who purloins an official document in court is subject to criminal prosecution, the same as for any other crime?"
"I know it so well that I'll also teach you, if you like. It says that about people-if you, for instance, had stolen the document-but a sow is an animal, a creature of God!"
"That's all very true, but the law says 'guilty of purloining…' I ask you to listen attentively: guilty] Here neither kind, nor sex, nor rank is mentioned-that means an animal can also be guilty. Say what you will, but before being sentenced to punishment, the animal must be presented to the police as a violator of order."
"No, Pyotr Fyodorovich!" Ivan Ivanovich objected coolly. "That will not be!"
"As you wish, only I must follow the instructions of the authorities."