"Ah, devil take it!" said Kovalev. "Hey, cabby, drive straight to the chief of police!"
Kovalev got into the droshky and kept urging the cabby on: "Gallop the whole way!"
"Is the chief of police in?" he cried, entering the front hall.
"No, he's not," the doorman replied, "he just left."
"Worse luck!"
"Yes," the doorman added, "not so long ago, but he left. If you'd have come one little minute sooner, you might have found him at home."
Kovalev, without taking the handkerchief from his face, got into a cab and shouted in a desperate voice:
"Drive!"
"Where to?" said the cabby.
"Straight ahead!"
"How, straight ahead? There's a turn here-right or left?"
This question stopped Kovalev and made him think again. In his situation, he ought first of all to address himself to the Office of Public Order, not because it was related directly to the police, but because its procedures were likely to be much quicker than elsewhere; to seek satisfaction from the authorities in the place where the nose claimed to work would be unreasonable, because it could be seen from the nose's own replies that nothing was sacred for this man, and he could be lying in this case just as he lied when he insisted that he never saw him before. And so Kovalev was about to tell the cabby to drive to the Office of Public Order when it again occurred to him that this knave and cheat, who had already behaved so shamelessly at their first encounter, might again conveniently use the time to slip out of the city somehow, and then all searching would be in vain, or might, God forbid, go on for a whole month. In the end it seemed that heaven itself gave him an idea. He decided to address himself directly to the newspaper office and hasten to take out an advertisement, with a detailed description of all his qualities, so that anyone meeting him could bring him to him or at least inform him of his whereabouts. And so, having decided on it, he told the cabby to drive to the newspaper office, and all the way there he never stopped hitting him on the back with his fist, saying: "Faster, you scoundrel! Faster, you cheat!" "Eh, master!" the coachman replied, shaking his head and whipping up his horse, whose coat was as long as a lapdog's. The droshky finally pulled up, and Kovalev, breathless, ran into a small reception room, where a gray-haired clerk in an old tailcoat and spectacles sat at a table, holding a pen in his teeth and counting the copper money brought to him.
"Who here takes advertisements?" cried Kovalev. "Ah, how do you do!"
"My respects," said the gray-haired clerk, raising his eyes for a moment and lowering them again to the laid-out stacks of coins.
"I wish to place…"
"Excuse me. I beg you to wait a bit," said the clerk, setting down a number on a piece of paper with one hand, and with the fingers of the left moving two beads on his abacus.
A lackey with galloons and an appearance indicating that he belonged to an aristocratic household, who was standing by the table with a notice in his hand, deemed it fitting to display his sociability:
"Believe me, sir, the pup isn't worth eighty kopecks, I mean, I wouldn't give eight for it; but the countess loves it, by God, she loves it-and so whoever finds it gets a hundred roubles! To put it proper, between you and me, people's tastes don't correspond at alclass="underline" if you're a hunter, keep a pointer or a poodle, it'll cost you five hundred, a thousand, but you'll have yourself a fine dog."
The worthy clerk listened to this with a significant air and at the same time made an estimate of the number of letters in the notice. Around them stood a host of old women, shop clerks, and porters holding notices. One announced that a coachman of sober disposition was available for hire; another concerned a little-used carriage brought from Paris in 1814; elsewhere a nineteen-year-old serf girl was released, a good laundress and also fit for other work; a sturdy droshky lacking one spring; a hot young dapple-gray horse, seventeen years old; turnip and radish seeds newly received from London; a country house with all its appurtenances-two horse stalls and a place where an excellent birch or pine grove could be planted; next to that was an appeal to all those desiring to buy old shoes, with an invitation to come to the trading center every day from eight till three. The room into which all this company crowded was small and the air in it was very heavy; but the collegiate assessor Kovalev could not smell it, because he had covered his face with a handkerchief, and because his nose itself was in God knows what parts.
"My dear sir, allow me to ask… It's very necessary for me," he finally said with impatience.
"Right away, right away! Two roubles forty-three kopecks! This minute! One rouble sixty-four kopecks!" the gray-haired gentleman was saying as he flung the notices into the old women's and porters' faces. "What can I do for you?" he said at last, turning to Kovalev.
"I ask…" said Kovalev, "some swindling or knavery has occurred-I haven't been able to find out. I only ask you to advertise that whoever brings this scoundrel to me will get a sufficient reward."
"What is your name, if I may inquire?"
"No, why the name? I can't tell you. I have many acquaintances: Chekhtareva, wife of a state councillor, Palageya Grigorievna Pod- tochina, wife of a staff officer… God forbid they should suddenly find out! You can simply write: a collegiate assessor, or, better still, one holding the rank of major."
"And the runaway was your household serf?"
"What household serf? That would be no great swindle! The one that ran away was… my nose…"
"Hm! what a strange name! And did this Mr. Nosov steal a large sum of money from you?"
"Nose, I said… you've got it wrong! My nose, my own nose, disappeared on me, I don't know where. The devil's decided to make fun of me!"
"Disappeared in what fashion? I'm afraid I don't quite understand."
"I really can't say in what fashion; but the main thing is that he's now driving around town calling himself a state councillor. And therefore I ask you to announce that whoever catches him should immediately present him to me within the shortest time. Consider for yourself, how indeed can I do without such a conspicuous part of the body? It's not like some little toe that I can put in a boot and no one will see it's not there. On Thursdays I call on the wife of the state councillor Chekhtarev; Palageya Grigorievna Pod-tochina, a staff officer's wife-and she has a very pretty daughter- they, too, are my very good acquaintances, and consider for yourself, now, how can I… I can't go to them now."
The clerk fell to pondering, as was indicated by his tighdy compressed lips.
"No, I can't place such an announcement in the newspaper," he said finally, after a long silence.
"What? Why not?"
"Because. The newspaper may lose its reputation. If everybody starts writing that his nose has run away, then… People say we publish a lot of absurdities and false rumors as it is."
"But what's absurd about this matter? It seems to me that it's nothing of the sort."
"To you it seems so. But there was a similar incident last week. A clerk came, just as you've come now, brought a notice, it came to two roubles seventy-three kopecks in costs, and the whole announcement was that a poodle of a black coat had run away. Nothing much there, you'd think? But it turned out to be a lampoon: this poodle was the treasurer of I forget which institution."
"But I'm giving you an announcement not about a poodle, but about my own nose: which means almost about me myself."
"No, I absolutely cannot place such an announcement."
"But my nose really has vanished!"
"If so, it's a medical matter. They say there are people who can attach any nose you like. I observe, however, that you must be a man of merry disposition and fond of joking in company."