“Isn’t it? Well, she wants to be free again and she doesn’t want to hurt him. And she just doesn’t know what to do. What would you advise?”
Patience, I said.
“What must happen before the young man will release her?”
Anything might happen.
“All right. Don’t let’s play games. Tell me what I must do to be set free.”
I couldn’t answer, I thought if I said live with me for ever we’d only be back where we started.
“Marriage is no good. You can’t trust me.”
Not yet.
“If I went to bed with you?”
She’d stopped drawing. I wouldn’t answer.
“Well?”
I didn’t think you were that sort, I said.
“I’m just trying to find your price.” Just like it was a new Washing-machine she was inquiring the pros and cons of.
You know what I want, I said.
“But that’s just what I don’t!”
You know all right.
“Oh, God. Look. Just answer yes or no. Do you want to go to bed with me?”
Not like we are now.
“What are we like now?”
I thought you were supposed to be the clever one.
She took a deep breath. I liked having her on a bit. “You feel I’m only looking for a way to escape? Whatever I did would be just for that? Is that it?”
I said yes.
“If you felt I was doing it for some other reason. Because I liked you. Just for fun. You would like it then?”
I can buy what you’re talking about in London any time I want, I said.
That shut her up a bit. She started drawing again.
After a bit she said, “You haven’t got me here because you find me sexually attractive.”
I find you very attractive, I said. The most.
“You’re just like a Chinese box,” she said. Then she went on drawing and we didn’t say any more. I tried to, but she said it spoilt the pose.
I know what some would think, they would think my behaviour peculiar. I know most men would only have thought of taking an unfair advantage and there were plenty of opportunities. I could have used the pad. Done what I liked, but I am not that sort, definitely not that sort at all. She was like some caterpillar that takes three months to feed up trying to do it in a few days. I knew nothing good would come of it, she was always in such a hurry. People today always want to get things, they no sooner think of it they want to get it in their hands, but I am different, old-fashioned, I enjoy thinking about the future and letting things develop all in good time. Easy does it, as Uncle Dick used to say when he was into a big one.
What she never understood was that with me it was having. Having her was enough. Nothing needed doing. I just wanted to have her, and safe at last.
Two or three days passed. She never said much, but then one day after lunch she said, “I’m a prisoner for life, aren’t I.”
I could tell she was just talking, so I said nothing.
“Hadn’t we better start being friends again?”
O.K. with me, I said.
“I’d like a bath tonight.”
O.K.
“Then could we sit upstairs? It’s this room. I get mad for a change.”
I said I’d see.
Actually, I lit the fire and got everything ready. Made sure there was nothing she could pick up and have a bash at me with. It’s no good pretending I had my old trust in her.
Well, she went up to her bath and it was all like as usual. When she came out I did her hands, no gag, and I followed her downstairs. I noticed she had a lot of her French scent on, she’d done her hair up the way she did it before, and she was wearing a purple and white housecoat I bought her. She wanted some of the sherry we never finished (there was still half a bottle there) and I poured it out and she stood by the log fire looking down into it, holding out her bare feet turn by turn to warm them. We stood there drinking; we didn’t say anything but she gave me one or two funny looks, like she knew something I didn’t and that made me nervous.
Well she had another glass, and drank it off in a minute and then wanted another.
“Sit down,” she said, so I sat down on the sofa where she pointed. For a moment she watched me sitting there. Then she stood in front of me, very funny, looking down at me, moving from foot to foot. Then she came, twist, bang she sat on my knees. It took me right by surprise. Somehow she got her arms right round my head and the next thing was she was kissing me at the mouth. Then laying her head on my shoulder.
“Don’t be so stiff,” she said.
I was like stunned. It was the last thing.
“Put your arm round me,” she said. “There. Isn’t that nice? Am I heavy?” And she leant her head again on my shoulder, while I had my hand on her waist. She was all warm and perfumed and I have to say that her housecoat was open very low and fell apart to above the knees, but she didn’t seem to care, she just stretched her legs along the sofa.
What’s up? I said.
“You’re so unrelaxed. Just relax. There’s nothing to worry about.” Well, I tried, she lay still, but I knew there was something wrong in the situation.
“Why don’t you kiss me?”
I knew something was really on then. I didn’t know what to do, I kissed the top of her head.
“Not like that.”
I don’t want to, I said.
She sat up still on my knees and looked at me.
“You don’t want to?”
I looked away, it was difficult with her tied hands round my neck, I didn’t know what to say to stop her.
“Why not?”
She was laughing at me.
I might go too far, I said.
“So might I.”
I knew she was laughing, making fun of me again.
I know what I am, I said.
“What are you?”
Not the sort you like.
“Don’t you know there are times when every man is attractive? Eh?” She sort of gave my head a bit of a jerk, like I was being stupid.
I didn’t, I said.
“Well, then.”
It’s what it could lead to.
“I don’t care what it leads to. You are slow.” And then all of a sudden she was kissing me again, I even felt her tongue.
“Isn’t that nice?”
Of course I had to say, yes it was. I didn’t know what her real game was, it made me nervous, quite apart from me being very nervous anyhow about kissing and all the other business.
“Come on, then. Try.”
Well, she pulled my head round. I had to do it and her mouth was very nice. Very soft.
I know I was weak. I should have told her straight out not to be disgusting. I was very weak. It was like I was drawn on against my will.
She laid her head again so I couldn’t see her face.
“Am I the first girl you’ve ever kissed?”
Don’t be daft.
“Just relax. Don’t be nervous, don’t be ashamed.”
Then she turned and was kissing me again, her eyes shut. Of course she’d had three glasses of sherry. What happened then was most embarrassing, I began to feel very worked up and I always understood (from something I heard in the army) that a gentleman always controls himself to the right moment and so I just didn’t know what to do. I thought she would be offended and so I tried to sit upright more when she took her mouth away.
“What’s wrong. Am I hurting you?”
Yes, I said.
She moved off my knees then, she unhooked her arms from my head, but she still sat very close.
“Won’t you undo my hands?”
I got up, I was shamed, I had to go to the window and pretend to do something to the curtain, all the time she watched me over the back of the sofa, kneeling on it.
“Ferdinand. What’s wrong?”
Nothing’s wrong, I said.
“There’s nothing to be frightened of.”
I’m not frightened.
“Come back then. Turn out the light. Let’s just have the firelight.”
I did what she said, I turned out the lights, but I stayed by the window.
“Come on.” Very coaxing, she was.
I said, it’s not right. You’re only pretending.