He said, with his back to me, until you went away I thought it was just the usual thing. At least I tried to think it was. That’s why I misbehaved myself with your Swedish friend. To exorcise you. But you came back. In my mind. Again and again, up north. I used to go out of the farmhouse at night, into the garden. Look south. You do understand?
Yes, I said.
It was you, you see. Not just the other thing.
Then he said, it’s a sudden look you have. When you’re not a kid any more.
What sort of look?
The woman you will be, he said.
A nice woman?
A much more than nice woman.
There’s no word to say how he said it. Sadly, almost unwillingly. Tenderly, but a shade bitterly. And honestly. Not teasing, not being dry. But right out of his real self. I’d been looking down all the time we were talking, but he made me look up then, and our eyes met and I know something passed between us. I could feel it. Almost a physical touch. Changing us. His saying something he totally meant, and my feeling it.
He remained staring at me, so that I was embarrassed. And still he stared. I said, please don’t stare at me like that.
He came and put his arm round my shoulders then and led me gently towards the door. He said, you are very pretty, at times you’re beautiful. You are sensitive, you are eager, you try to be honest, you manage to be both your age and natural and a little priggish and old-fashioned at the same time. You even play chess quite well. You’re just the daughter I’d like to have. That’s probably why I’ve wanted you so much these last few months.
He pushed me through the door, face forward, so I couldn’t see him.
I can’t say such things to you without turning your head. And you mustn’t turn your head, in any sense. Now, go.
I felt him press my shoulders an instant. And he kissed the back of my head. Pushed me away. And I went two or three steps down the stairs before I stopped and looked back. He was smiling, but it was a sad smile.
I said, please don’t let it be too long.
He just shook his head. I don’t know if he meant “no, not too long” or “it’s no good hoping it will be anything else but very long.” Perhaps he didn’t know himself. But he looked sad. He looked sad all through.
Of course I looked sad. But I didn’t really feel sad. Or it wasn’t a sadness that hurt, not an all-through one. I rather enjoyed it. Beastly, but I did. I sang on the way home. The romance, the mystery of it. Living.
I thought I knew I didn’t love him. I’d won that game.
And what has happened since?
That first day or two, I kept on thinking he would telephone, that it was all a sort of whim. Then I would think, I shan’t see him again for months, perhaps years, and it seemed ridiculous. Unnecessary. Stupid beyond belief. I hated what seemed his weakness. I thought, if he’s like this, to hell with him.
That didn’t last very long. I decided to decide that it was for the best. He was right. It was best to make a clean break. I would concentrate on work. Be practical and efficient and everything that I’m not really by nature.
All that time I kept thinking, do I love him? Then, obviously, there was so much doubt, I couldn’t.
And now I have to write down what I feel now. Because I have changed again. I know it. I feel it.
Looks; I know it is idiotically wrong to have preconceived notions about looks. Getting excited when Piers kisses me. Having to stare at him sometimes (not when he would notice, because of his vanity) but feeling his looks intensely. Like a beautiful drawing of something ugly. You forget about the ugliness. I know Piers is morally and psychologically ugly—just plain and dull, phoney.
But even there I’ve changed.
I think about G.P. holding me and caressing me.
There’s a sort of nasty perverted curiosity in me—I mean, all the women he’s had and all the things he must know about being in bed.
I can imagine his making love to me and it doesn’t disgust me. Very expert and gentle. Fun. All sorts of things, but not the thing. If it’s to be for life.
Then there’s his weakness. The feeling that he would probably betray me. And I’ve always thought of marriage as a sort of young adventure, two people of the same age setting out together, discovering together, growing together. But I would have nothing to tell him, nothing to show him. All the helping would be on his side.
I’ve seen so little of the world. I know that G.P. in many ways represents a sort of ideal now. His sense of what counts, his independence, his refusal to do what the others do. His standing apart. It has to be someone with those qualities. And no one else I’ve met has them as he has. People at the Slade seem to have them—but they’re so young. It’s easy to be frank and to hell with convention when you’re our age.
Once or twice I’ve wondered whether it wasn’t all a trap. Like a sacrifice in chess. Supposing I had said on the stairs, do what you like with me, but don’t send me away?
No, I won’t believe that of him.
Time-lag. Two years ago I couldn’t have dreamed of falling in love with an older man. I was always the one who argued for equal ages at Ladymont. I remember being one of the most disgusted when Susan Grillet married a Beastly Baronet nearly three times her age. Minny and I used to talk about guarding against being “father” types (because of M) and marrying father-husbands. I don’t feel that any more. I think I need a man older than myself because I always seem to see through the boys I meet. And I don’t feel G.P. is a father-husband.
It’s no good. I could go on writing arguments for and against all night.
Emma. The business of being between inexperienced girl and experienced woman and the awful problem of the man. Caliban is Mr. Elton. Piers is Frank Churchill. But is G.P. Mr. Knightley?
Of course G.P. has lived a life and has views that would make Mr. Knightley turn in his grave. But Mr. Knightley could never have been a phoney. Because he was a hater of pretence, selfishness, snobbism.
And they both have the one man’s name I really can’t stand. George. Perhaps there’s a moral in that.
November 18th
I have eaten nothing for five days. I’ve drunk some water. He brings me food, but I have touched not one crumb.
Tomorrow I am going to start eating again.
About half an hour ago, I stood up and felt faint. Had to sit down again. I haven’t felt ill so far. Just tummy pains and a bit weak. But this was something different. A warning.
I’m not going to die for him.
I haven’t needed food. I have been so full of hatred for him and his beastliness.
His vile cowardice.
His selfishness.
His Calibanity.
November 19th
For all that time, I didn’t want to write. Sometimes I wanted to. Then it seemed weak. Like accepting things. I knew as soon as I wrote it down I’d go off the boil. But now I think it needs writing down. Recording. He did this to me.
Outrage.
What little friendship, humanity, good nature there was between us has gone.
From now on we are enemies. Both ways. He said things that showed he hates me as well.
He resents my existence. That’s exactly it.
He doesn’t realize it fully yet, because he’s trying to be nice to me at the moment. But he’s much nearer than he was. One day soon he’s going to wake up and say to himself—I hate her.
Something nasty.
When I came round from the chloroform I was in bed. I had my last underclothes on, but he must have taken everything else off.