Goblinology
Introductory note by Armand Ar-basinno, instructor of popular culture and goblinology at the Argivian University and author of Studies in Goblin Culture; The Goblin Ruins at The Flarg: Their History and Exploration; and Squee: A Study in Popular Mythology.
[Note in margin: Squee, Squee, Squee! According to Ar-basinno every goblin is named Squee! L. B.]
It is my privilege to present to the public a very remarkable document, recently discovered in the ruins of The Flarg and edited and annotated by myself, with some minor assistance by Latavino Bar-bassanti, who, unfortunately, departed from the university before the project could be completed. I may add that I regard this task as the crowning achievement of my extensive work on the history and development of goblin culture, and that the document confirms the conclusions to which I, in the face of opposition from so many of my colleagues, had already come.
[Note in margin: A silly, self-satisfied conclusion by an overblown windbag! L.B.]
It has, of course, been my contention for a number of years that the goblins of The Flarg were polytheists, worshiping a variety of gods to whom they made regular sacrifices. Prior to the discovery at The Flarg of the document below, however, little specific information was available concerning goblin religious rituals. Thanks to my work on this document, combined with the extensive body of writing I have bequeathed to the learned community as my legacy, future historians and goblinologists will have little trouble in filling in the gaps along the trail I have already blazed.
In point of fact, I had already developed the theory of goblin religion in my well-known and, if I may say so, remarkable book The Apostles of Squee: Deconstructing Goblin Religious Discourse and Perception in the Age of the Great Cold (Argivian University Press).
[Note in margin: Well known, indeed! The book was remaindered within thirty days, and housewives all over Terisiare used it as a doorstop. The only thing remarkable about the book was the fact that Ar-basinno managed to spread his lunatic "theory" over two thousand pages. In fact, Ar-basinno was almost fired from his position when, while presenting a copy to the chancellor, he dropped it and broke the poor man's ankle. The chancellor spent two weeks in bed, and Ar-bassino made the rounds of faculty parties in Argive, explaining that the university official had been struck by the weight of his arguments. L.B.]
It is not out of place here to briefly summarize this theory:
[Note in margin: The gods preserve us! L.B.]
In ancient times, during the Age of the Great Dark and Cold that followed hard upon the disastrous era of the Brothers' War, goblins at The Flarg formed a vast and powerful community. It is clear from the extensive ruins at The Flarg that they were a politically influential race, deep in learning, strong in arms, universally respected throughout much of Dominaria. Great goblin fleets ploughed the seas, and goblin ornithopters swept through the clouds, driving the enemies of the goblin empire before them.
[Note in margin: Here we go again! Ar-basinno used to propagate this story in the pubs around the university, usually late in the evening when he'd had eight or nine glasses of Korlisian wine. For this reason, he was known throughout the university as "old goblin head." L.B.]
In this age, a cult grew up among the goblins centered on the worship of a deity known as "Squee." This fact accounts for the extensive use of this as a name among the goblins of The Flarg (and indeed in the goblin communities through the rest of Dominaria). The cult of Squee was celebrated in various rituals, which were clearly extremely sacred to the goblins, though they are, perhaps, beyond our understanding today.
Now, in the following document, I have the clues that allow me, drawing on a store of knowledge accumulated over a lifetime of study of goblin culture, to unravel the mystery of goblin Squee-based rituals. The document is evidently in the form of a letter, written by one high priest of Squee to another and communicates the essence of the ritual, while leaving some parts of it as mysterious as before. Nonetheless, I have every confidence my persistence and scholarly ability will allow me to unravel this tangle as well and lay it before my public.
[Note in margin: In other words, there's no reasonable chance of getting him to shut up in the near future. L. B.]
I will indicate briefly the circumstances attendant upon the discovery of this historic find.
While excavating the ruins of the goblin settlement at The Flarg, I came across a wide, flat area.
[Note in the margin: Actually the area was first uncovered by myself and Sarapinna Machieve, a graduate student whom. Ar-basinno had talked into working with him for the summer. Until the dig at The Flarg, she spent most of her time trying to make sense of his incoherent notes and ramblings while evading his crude attempts to get her into bed with him. At the time we uncovered the site, Ar-basinno was sound asleep in his tent. L.B.]
At either end of this area, it was clear that in the distant past pestholes had been inserted. I concluded that such an area, accommodating a large population, could only have been used for religious ceremonies of considerable significance. With this in mind, I looked for evidence to confirm this theory. It was not slow in coming.
To one side of the field I found several objects, roughly spheroid, approximately a foot long, and slightly pointed at both ends. These had been placed in a box, indicating they must have been very precious to the goblins and thus objects of religious veneration. Also within the box was a crude wooden whistle, several skins used to hold water or-in light of the obviously religious character of the site-sacred wine, and several garments, which, though worn through use and the ages, were recognizable as holy vestments employed only during the most sacred rituals. They bore large numbers on the back and were emblazoned with names, which I translated after considerable difficulty, the meaning of which will become clear through perusing the document below.
In further examination of the field I discovered more evidence of ritual behavior: parts were churned up by the feet of many worshiping goblins, and along the sides were evidences of many spectators. In one place near the edge of the field was a heap of bottles that had at one time probably contained sacred drinks consumed during the ceremonies that were enacted upon the field.
[Note in margin: You'!! notice all the talk about drink. One of Ar-basinno's earliest "research projects" during his tenure at the Argivian University was an attempt in his laboratory to discover the exact composition of the sacred wine of the goblins. To this end he made a number of experiments, most of which ended in him drinking the results. One such experiment, involving too high a proportion of a particularly wlatik alcoholic derivative, resulted in the destruction of a substantial section of the Hall of Akhemical Research and permanently removed Ar-basinno's eyebrows. L.B.]
The document reproduced below was found in the remains of one of the dwellings near the field and was probably composed by a high priest. It takes the form of a letter to a fellow religious figure and explains the development of a significant ceremony in the Cult of Squee, whose existence I have established.
One final note is in order. Writing among the goblins seems to have employed spelling and grammatical conventions largely unknown to us, though clearly allowing them a high measure of precise communication. Indeed the goblin language, when properly rendered in speech, is one of unparalleled beauty and grace, which I have been accustomed to speak to my students.
[Note in margin: Yes, and the spectacle is enough to attract students carrying rotten fruit and vegetables from all over town. Word goes out that "looney Armand's at it again," and you can see the crowds coming for miles. L.B.]