— Died under very mysterious circumstances, said Joey The Lips. — A lady.
— Enough said.
— I’m sure he was lookin’ for it, said Imelda.
— Phil Lynott, said Deco.
— Fuck off, said Jimmy. — He wasn’t soul.
— He was black.
— Ah, fuck off an’ don’t annoy me. — Get ou’ o’ my life. — Annyway, do yis agree abou’ the hash? An’ the heroin, like?
— Yeah
They all nodded or stayed quiet.
— Can we smoke it after the rehearsal, Jimmy? Billy asked.
— Yeah, sure. No problem.
* * *
It was another week later.
James was late so Joey The Lips was going to put Deco through a new song, James Brown’s Out of Sight.
— You’re sure you know it now?
— O’ course I’m sure.
— Okay then. Off you go. — A one —
Deco put his hands to his ears.
Outspan nudged Derek.
— Fuckin’ tosser.
Deco sang.
— YOU GOT YOUR HIGH HEELED SNEAKERS ON —
YOUR STUFF IS NEW —
YOU GOT YOUR HIGH HEELED SNEAKERS ON —
SIMON HARTS —
YOUR GEAR IS NEW —
YOU’RE MORE THAN ALRIGH — HI — HIGH’ —
YEH KNOW —
YOU’RE OU’ O’ SIGH’ — Fuck!
Jimmy had come in and made it obvious he wanted The Commitments to notice him when he threw an empty 7-up can at Deco’s head.
— Wha’ was tha’ for? Deco shouted.
— I don’t like yeh, said Jimmy. — An’ I’ve a bit o’ news for yis.
— So yeh hit ME?
— It didn’t hurt, an’ neither will me bit o’ news.
— Ooh! said Imelda. — Sounds good.
— It is, ’melda, it is indeed. An’ you’re lookin’ lovely tonigh’.
— Thank you, Jimmy. An’ you’re lookin’ horrible as ever.
— The news, said Joey The Lips.
— Are we goin’ to have The Angelus first or somethin’? said Outspan.
James came in.
— Sorry. — Puncture.
— Jimmy’s got news, James, said Bernie.
— But he’s keepin’ it to himself, said Imelda. (And she sang this bit.) — BECAUSE HE’S A BOLLIX.
— Are yis ready?
— Ah stop, Jimmy.
— Well, I’ve been busy for the last couple o’ nights.
— Yeh dirty man, said Deco.
Billy thumped him.
— I’ve been negotiatin’, said Jimmy.
— Janey!
— That’ll make yeh deaf.
They laughed, but only for a little while.
— I’ve got us a venue for our first gig.
— Fuckin’ great!
There were cheers and grins.
— When?
— Tomorrow week.
— Fuckin’ hell!
— It has to be then, said Jimmy. — Because the bingo caller — yeh know Hopalong — him, he’s goin’ into hospital for the weekend to get a tap put into his kidneys or somethin’, so it’s the only nigh’ the place is free.
— The community centre?
— Yeah.
— Tha’ kip!
— From little acorns, Brothers and Sisters, said Joey The Lips.
— Barrytown Square Garden, wha’, said Outspan.
— Hang on, said Derek. — No slaggin’. It’ll do for a start. — Thanks, Jimmy.
— Yeah. Thanks, Jim.
— No sweat.
— We bring the music to the people, said Joey The Lips. — We go to them. We go to their community centre. That’s soul.
— No one goes there, Joey, said Outspan. — ’cept the oul’ ones tha’ play the bingo.
— An’ the soccer. They change there, said Derek. — An’ the operetta society, an’ the Vinny de Paul.
— An’ Hopalong, said Natalie.
— He’s stickin’ it into your woman from the shop, Colette, did yis know tha’?
— He is NOT, said Bernie.
— He fuckin’ is.
— Good Jesus, that’s disgustin’.
— No wonder he limps, wha’.
— Our first gig, said Dean. — Our first gig.
— Who did yeh have to talk to abou’ the hall, Jimmy? James asked.
— Father Molloy.
— Oh fuck! Father Paddy, said Outspan. — The singin’ priest, he explained to the lads who weren’t from Barrytown.
Derek began to sing.
— MOR —
NIN’ HAS —
BROKE —
EN —
LIKE THE FIRST MOR —
HOR — HOR — NIN’ —
BLACK BIRD ON —
TREE TOP —
HAS HAD ITS FIRST CRAP —
— The folk mass, Outspan explained to the lads. — Fuckin’ desperate.
— Oh yeah, said Billy. — Is tha’ the one you got flung ou’ of?
— That’s it, said James.
— Did he brown yeh, Jimmy? Outspan asked.
— No. He just ran his fingers through me curly fellas.
— Aah!! Stop tha’! said Natalie.
— How much is it goin’ to cost? Deco asked.
— Nothin’.
— That’s super.
— How come?
— I told him it was part o’ the Anti-Heroin Campaign.
— Yeh fuckin’ chancer, yeh.
They all stood back and admired Jimmy.
— Well, it is, said Jimmy. — We’ll have our Heroin Kills banner. Me little brother, Darren — he’s an awful little prick — he’s goin’ to do it in school. An art project, like. An’ a few posters for the walls an’ things.
— Good man, Jimmy.
— There’s one thing but, said Jimmy. — I told Father Molloy we’d do a folk mass for him.
— No way!
— Only messin’. —Northside News are sendin’ someone ou’ to see us. An’ a photographer.
— How come?
— I told them abou’ it. Phoned them up.
— Jaysis, fair play to yeh.
— I’ll be scarleh, said Bernie.
— I haven’t saved enough for me suit, said Derek.
— We can hire them for this one, said Jimmy. — We’ll get the bread back on the door.
— Bread! said Billy. — Yeh fuckin’ hippy.
— Fuck up.
— Well, Brothers and Sisters, said Joey The Lips. — Let’s hear it for our manager, Brother J. Rabbitte, and let’s hear it for Brother Hopalong’s kidneys too.
The Commitments clapped.
— Brother Hopalong’s kidneys are soul.
* * *
The Commitments rehearsed every night of the last week. They began to shout and throw the head when someone made a mistake and they had to start all over again. But Joey The Lips kept them short of panic stations. He said Stay Cool a lot during the week.
— Stay cool, my man, said Joey The Lips.
Deco had just roared at Billy who had just knocked over the snare drum.
— He’s a fuckin’ eejit, Joey, Deco shouted.
— Joey, said Billy. — I said it before, it’s one o’ the risks yis have to take. It’s part o’ me style. These sort o’ accidents are likely to happen. I told yis tha’.
He now addressed Deco.
— An’ here, you, George Michael. If yeh ever call me a fuckin’ eejit again you’ll go home with a drumstick up your hole. The one yeh don’t sing ou’ of.
He started to pick up the drum.
— The one yeh talk ou’ of.
— That’ll be the day, pal.
— It’s comin’. I’m tellin’ yeh.
— Maybe.
— Yeh’d want to have your vaseline with yeh the next time. — Can we continue now, can we, please?
He began to play.
— THU— CUDADUNG CUDADUNG CUDADUNG
THU — CUDADUNG CUDADUNG CUDADUNG
The horns: — DUUH — DU DUHH —
DUUH DU DUHH —
DEH —
DU DU DUUH —
Outspan and Derek followed that.
— DONG CADDA DONG CADDA DONG CADDA DONG —
The horns: — DUUH — DU DUHH —