— I’ll wield your bollix if yeh don’t think of a better name.
— Hang on. — You’ll like this. — Over in America, righ’, d’yeh know wha’ meat is?
— The same as it is here.
—’cept there’s more of it.
— No, listen, said Jimmy. — Meat is slang for your langer.
There were cheers and screams.
— That’s fuckin’ disgustin’, said Natalie.
— Hang on a minute, said Derek. — Is Meatman the American way o’ sayin’ Langerman?
— Yeah.
— Why not call him Langerman then?
— Or Dickhead, said Deco.
— Fuck off, you, said Derek.
He wasn’t happy at all.
— Listen, he said.
This wasn’t going to be easy, especially with the girls there.
— There’s nothin’ special abou’ my langer.
— YEEOOW, DEREK!
— Gerrup, Derek, yeh boy yeh!
— A bit of quiet please, Brothers, said Joey The Lips.
— It’s the image, said Jimmy. — Annyway, nobody’ll know wha’ the name stands for till we break it in the States.
— It’s a good name, said Joey The Lips. — Every band needs its Meatman.
— I don’t know, said Derek. — Me ma would kill me if she knew I was called after me gooter.
— She won’t know.
— I’ll tell her, said Outspan.
— Fuck off.
— Righ’, said Jimmy. — Next — Deco.
— Can I be Meatman too, Jimmy?
— No, said Jimmy. — You’re Declan Blanketman Cuffe.
— That’s a rapid name, said Outspan.
— Politics an’ sex, said Jimmy. — Wha’ d’yeh think, Deco?
— Yeah, said Deco.
— Billy.
— Howyeh.
— Billy The Animal Mooney.
— Ah deadly! Animal. — Thanks, Jimmy.
— No sweat. — Okay, Dean next. — Dean.
Dean sat up.
— You’re Dean Good Times Fay.
Cheers.
— That’s grand, said Dean.
— Wha’ abou’ us? said Imelda.
— Hang on, said Jimmy. — Outspan, we can’t call yeh Outspan.
— Why not?
— It’s racialist.
— WHA’!
— It’s racialist. — South African oranges.
— That’s fuckin’ crazy, Jimmy, said Billy.
— It’s me jaysis name, said Outspan.
— Not your real name.
— Even me oul’ one calls me Outspan.
— No she doesn’t, said Derek.
— Fuck off you or I’ll trounce yeh.
— I saw a thing on telly, said Dean. — It said they make black prisoners, righ’, pick the oranges.
— I don’t make annyone pick fuckin’ oranges! said Outspan.
— Soul has no skin colour, Brothers and Sisters, said Joey The Lips.
— I don’t even like oranges, said Outspan. — ’cept them satsumas. — They’re nice.
— Does soul eat oranges, Joey?
— Leave Joey alone, Fuckface, said Jimmy. — Listen, — your name’s Liam, righ’?
— I fuckin’ know tha’, thanks, said Outspan.
— It’s not a very soulful name.
— Aah — fuckin’ hell! I can’t even have me real name now.
— Shut up a minute. — What’s your second name?
— Wha’ d’yeh mean, like?
— I’m James Anthony Rabbitte. What’re you?
— Liam, said Outspan.
He went scarlet.
— Terence Foster.
— Howyeh, Terence, Imelda waved across at him.
He was going to tell her to fuck off but he didn’t because he fancied her.
(Along with Jimmy, Derek, Deco, Billy, James and Dean, Outspan was in love with Imelda.)
— Righ’, said Jimmy. — You are L. Terence Foster. — Listen to it, said Jimmy. — It sounds great. L. Terence Foster, L. Terence Foster. Doesn’t it sound great?
— It sounds deadly, said Derek. — Better than bleedin’ Meatman.
— Swap yeh, said Outspan.
— No way, said Jimmy.
— Wha’ abou’ us? said Bernie.
— Righ’, said Jimmy. — Are yis ready, girls? — Yis are — Sonya, Sofia an’ Tanya, The Commitmentettes.
The girls screamed and then laughed.
— I bags Sonya, said Imelda.
— I’m Sofia then, said Natalie. — Sofia Loren.
— With a head like tha’?
— Fuck yourself, you.
— You’ve the arse for it anyway, Nat’lie.
— Fuck yourself.
— Wha’ abou’ me? said Bernie.
— She’d forgotten the last name.
— You’re Fido, said Deco.
— Fuck yourself, said Natalie.
— Fuck yourself, Deco said back at her.
Natalie spat at his face.
— Here! Stop tha’, said Jimmy.
— Hope yeh catch AIDS off it, said Natalie.
Deco let it go because he was in love with Natalie too.
— You’re Tanya, Bernie, said Jimmy.
— Why can’t I be Bernie?
— It’s the image, Bernie.
— You’ll always be Bernie to us, Bernie, said James.
— I must say, Jimmy, said Joey The Lips. — You’ve got a great managerial head on your shoulders.
— Thanks, Joey, said Jimmy.
— Brothers, Sisters, said Joey The Lips. — Would you please put your hands together to show your appreciation to Brother James Anthony Rabbitte.
They clapped, all of them.
* * *
Then, after months, they were ready to rehearse.
Joey The Lips got rid of some of the chairs to make room in the garage. They had the amps, speakers and mikes in position, and Joey The Lips’ mother’s upright piano.
They stood around feeling excited but stupid, embarrassed, afraid.
Joey The Lips went around listening to the instruments. He frowned and turned knobs, listened again, nodded and went on to the next instrument. He impressed the others. Here was a man who knew what he was doing.
Jimmy was lost here. He hadn’t a clue how to get the rehearsal started.
Joey The Lips took over.
— Brothers, Sisters. I thank The Lord Jesus for today.
— Fuck off, Joey.
— We’ll start with an easy one. Have yaw’l —
— Yaw’l! For fuck sake!
— Have YOU ALL been listening to What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?
— We sure have, Massa Joey sir boss.
— Whooee!
Joey The Lips played the tape for them. They listened, frightened, to Jimmy Ruffin. They could never do that. Only Deco thought he could do better.
Joey The Lips turned the tape off.
— Alright, Sisters, let’s have the Ooh ooh oohs at the beginning.
— God, I’m scarleh, said Imelda.
— Brother James, would you play the girls in please?
— Certainly, Joseph, said James.
Four times James tried to lead the girls but they couldn’t follow.
— They’re all lookin’ at us, said Bernie.
— Hurry up, for Jaysis sake, said Deco.
— No, Declan, said Joey The Lips. — We’re in no rush. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
— Dublin was though, wha’.
— A fuckin’ hour.
This time the girls followed James.
— UUH — UUH — UUH
They were shaking. They all heard the shaking in their voices but they didn’t look at anybody and kept going.
— UUH — UUH — UUH — UUH — UUH — UUH
— That was terrific, ladies, said Joey The Lips. — The Commitmentettes.
— Well done, girls, said Jimmy.
— Right now, said Joey The Lips. — Let’s hear The Blanketman.
Deco had the words on a sheet of paper. James donk donk donked, the girls UUH UUH UUHed and then Deco held the mike in his hand and sang. And sang well.