CAPTAIN: What does it matter where we’re going, so long as we’re going? Listen, “Sparks,” I don’t like to berate you like this. We’d like to have the utmost faith in you. You’re a fantastically good Communications Officer, for a woman. But—
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Excuse me, Captain, I’m getting star hiss. Over and out.
CAPTAIN: Oh, hell. Mr. Balls, will you please proceed to Bridge. I’ll be in the galley, heating soup.
FIRST MATE: Captain, wait. There’s something funny in the air. Something in the ship’s atmospheric circulation system.
CAPTAIN: Probably just some of “Bolts’s” hydrogen leaking.
FIRST MATE: It doesn’t smell like hydrogen. It’s a strange smell. Or is it a vibration? Or is it a noise?
CAPTAIN: Mr. Balls, are you all right? You don’t sound like yourself.
FIRST MATE: Affirmative. Captain, I wish to report suspected presence of an alien aboard this ship.
CAPTAIN: An alien?
FIRST MATE: Affirmative. Alert. Alert. Red Alert. All hands to combat posts. Alien presence suspected on ship. Chief Engineer, report on conditions in Engine Room.
CHIEF ENGINEER: Weel, noo, everything’s dandy in the Engine Room, sir.
CAPTAIN: What about the Anti-Matter Isolater?
CHIEF ENGINEER: We mended the wee crack wi’ a wee Band-Aid, Captain, and it’s as good as new.
CAPTAIN: What about the ship’s self-destruct capacity?
CHIEF ENGINEER: Weel, noo, we’re working on that. But otherwise I may say that things in the Engine Room have never been better.
FIRST MATE: Red Alert! Red Alert! Chief Engineer, proceed instantly to repair automatic self-destruct units in Central Propulsion Zone, and as soon as repairs are completed place automatic self-destruct units on Imminent status.
CAPTAIN: Mr. Balls, what are you shouting about?
FIRST MATE: There’s an alien in this ship with us, Captain!
CAPTAIN: How do you know?
FIRST MATE: A slimy, unspeakable alien!
CAPTAIN: Have you seen it, Mr. Balls? Is it in the Athletic Supporter Storage Room?
FIRST MATE: No, I haven’t seen it. I don’t want to see it. I can feel it. It’s in here, Captain. It’s in the ship—something that doesn’t belong here. It’s not one of us. It came from Outer Space. From outside. To take us over. It’s waiting, waiting somewhere in the very bowels of the ship, waiting, and growing—
CAPTAIN: Good gracious. Get a hold of yourself, Mr. Balls.
INSANE SECOND MATE: I told you poor Tom was a-cold. Now poor Tom’s a-flipped.
FIRST MATE: It’s in there, in the Crew Recreation Lounge, with you, isn’t it, “Bats”? You’ve known about it for days, weeks. You’ve been hiding it from us. You traitor! I’m coming in. I’m coming in there, “Bats,” and I’m going to kill that thing, that unspeakable, amorphous Thing that you’ve been hiding from us and feeding with our food—
CAPTAIN: Mr. Balls! Where are you? What are you doing?
FIRST MATE: I’m breaking down the door of the Crew Recreation Lounge, Captain. Don’t worry. I’ll handle this. You just keep things running there on the Bridge, and the ship on course, and all.
CAPTAIN: I’m not on the Bridge. I’m in the galley.
FIRST MATE: For God’s sake, Captain, get back to the Bridge! The Thing will try to take control of the ship, if it escapes me!—All right, “Bats,” where is it? Where is it hiding? Show the Thing to me, or I’ll—Aagh! Aaaggghhh! Ow!
CHIEF ENGINEER: Captain? Captain Cook? Would there be a wee bit o’ trouble up there?
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Please be quieter, everybody. I’m receiving.
CAPTAIN: Mr. Balls, report current conditions in Crew Recreation Lounge. Mr. Balls, report please.
INSANE SECOND MATE: This is the Insane Second Mate speaking. The First Mate is temporarily incapacitated.
CAPTAIN: Report, please, Second Mate.
INSANE SECOND MATE: Well, he came busting in shouting about how he was going to do something to the alien, and I got in his way, and he tried to karate chop me. But as you know, Captain, I’m extraordinarily strong, even for an Insane Second Mate. I hit him on the head with a copy of I Ching, and he folded.
CAPTAIN: Report current condition of First Mate, please.
INSANE SECOND MATE: He is lying on the floor breathing.
CAPTAIN: Very good. “Bats,” I suppose you’d better get up to the Bridge and keep an eye on flight control. Last time I looked Arcturus seemed to have drifted a bit. If I don’t get lunch ready, tempers are going to be getting short.
INSANE SECOND MATE : Aye aye, Captain.
CAPTAIN : By the way, is there an alien aboard?
INSANE SECOND MATE: Oh, yes, Captain.
CAPTAIN: I thought so all along. I knew Mr. Balls couldn’t count. You’d better take it up to the Bridge with you and keep an eye on it.
INSANE SECOND MATE: Captain, I can’t do that. I have to leave it here in the Crew Recreation Lounge.
CAPTAIN: Why?
INSANE SECOND MATE: Well, see, it sort of fits in here. We can feed it through the slot in the door. Frankly, I’m just as glad to get out. Things were getting a little crowded in here. As Mr. Balls noticed, it’s been growing. You wouldn’t believe it. It was just a speck of a thing to start with.
CAPTAIN: And how is Mr. Balls?
INSANE SECOND MATE: He’s sitting up now, but he looks a bit catatonic. It’s the shock. I’ll walk him back to his quarters.
FIRST MATE: Oh my God I can’t stand it horrible vile like a giant worm slimy battening on us fattening on us invading us a vampire a parasite using us growing growing GROWING get me out get me out Red Alert Self-Destruct SELF-DESTRUCT!
INSANE SECOND MATE: There, there, Balls. Now. Come on. Here’s your own nice cozy quarters, see? And you can lock the door, and shut It out, and do mathematics all by yourself.
FIRST MATE: My God, you’re worse than It is! Get out of here! Out! Captain Cook! Captain Cook! This officer is insane!
CAPTAIN: What officer?
INSANE SECOND MATE: Me.
CAPTAIN: Oh, now, we just call you that, because you won’t use secondary process thinking.
FIRST MATE: Captain Cook! Order Engine Room personnel to activate automatic self-destruct units! Abort mission! Abort mission!
CAPTAIN: How’s that again?
FIRST MATE: Abort! Abort! We are being emplucted by an alien creature for unknown purposes! It is taking over the officers’ minds! This ship is a peril to the Universe!
INSANE SECOND MATE: Goodness, he talks almost the way I do.
CAPTAIN: It’s quite interesting, actually, looked at dispassionately. I wonder if Mr. Balls resents the presence of the alien because he too has always been, in a sense, an alien presence on this ship. Psychologists call the phenomenon “projection,” I believe.
FIRST MATE: Can’t you realise how horrible it is, horrible, horrible!
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Please order the First Mate to shut up, Captain. All this shouting is very annucting. I’m getting some interesting material on the radio.
CAPTAIN: Where from? I certainly could use some advice.
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: I’m not sure. Seems very close. Loud signal.
CAPTAIN : What does it say?
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: It doesn’t speak English.
INSANE SECOND MATE: This is “Bats” reporting from the Bridge. All well here.
CAPTAIN: All right, everybody. Lunchtime. Mouth to the soup chute, mates! Ready?