TRILETSKY takes her by the hand.
ANNA PETROVNA. You’re taking my pulse? I’m all right . . .
TRILETSKY. No, I’m not taking your pulse . . . I’m going to plant a sloppy kiss . . .
Kisses her hand.
Kissing her hand is like falling into a downy pillow. What do you wash your hands with to make them so white? Wonderful hands! I’ve really got to kiss them again.
Kisses her hand.
Feel like a game of chess?
ANNA PETROVNA. Go ahead . . .
Looks at the clock.
A quarter past twelve . . . I suppose our guests must be famished . . .
TRILETSKY (sets up the chess board). Highly likely. Speaking for myself, I’m ravenous.
ANNA PETROVNA. I wasn’t referring to you . . . You’re always hungry, although you never stop eating . . .
Sits down at the chessboard.
Your move . . . Made a move already . . . You should think first and then make your move . . . I’m moving here . . . You’re always hungry . . .
TRILETSKY. So that’s your move . . . All right, ma’am . . . I am hungry, ma’am . . . Will we be having dinner soon?
ANNA PETROVNA. I don’t think so . . . To celebrate our return home, the cook got soused and now he’s flat on his back. We’ll have lunch eventually. Seriously, Nikolay Ivanych, when will you be full? Eat, eat, eat . . . you never stop eating! It’s really horrible! Such a little man and such a big stomach!
TRILETSKY. Oh yes! Remarkable!
ANNA PETROVNA. You barge into my room and without a by-your-leave eat half a pie! As if you didn’t know it wasn’t my pie? You’re a pig, dovie! Your move!
TRILETSKY. I didn’t know. I only knew that it would go bad on you if I didn’t eat it. That’s your move? Might work, ma’am . . . And this is mine . . . If I do eat a lot, it means I’m healthy, and if I’m healthy, don’t give me a hard time . . . Mens sans in corpore sano.2
Why think? Make your move, my dear little lady, without thinking . . . (Sings.) “I have a tale to tell, to tell . . .”3
ANNA PETROVNA. Be quiet . . . You’re keeping me from thinking.
TRILETSKY. What a shame that a woman as intelligent as yourself never gives a thought to gastronomy. A man who doesn’t know how to eat is a monster . . . A moral monster! . . . Because . . . Excuse me, excuse me! You can’t make that move! What? Where are you going? Well, that’s another story. Because taste bears the same relation to nature as hearing and sight, I mean it’s one of the five senses, which taken as a whole belong to the realm, my good woman, of psychology. Psychology!
ANNA PETROVNA. I do believe you’re planning to be witty . . . Don’t be witty, my dear! I’m sick and tired of it, and besides it’s not in your line . . . Have you noticed that I never laugh when you’re being witty? I do believe it’s high time you noticed it . . .
TRILETSKY. Your move, votre excellence! . . .4 Protect your knight. You don’t laugh because you don’t get the joke . . . That’s right, ma’am . . .
ANNA PETROVNA. What are you gawking at? It’s your move! What do you think? Will your “one and only” come here today or not?
TRILETSKY. She promised to come. Gave her word.
ANNA PETROVNA. In that case it’s high time she was here. It’s one o’clock . . . You . . . forgive me for the bluntness of the question . . . Are you and she “just friends” or is it serious?
TRILETSKY. Meaning?
ANNA PETROVNA. Be frank, Nikolay Ivanych! I’m not asking as a gossip, but as a good friend . . . What’s Miss Grekova to you and you to her? Frankly and without being witty, please . . . Well? Tell me the truth, I’m asking as a good friend . . .
TRILETSKY. What is she to me and I to her? So far I don’t know, ma’am . . .
ANNA PETROVNA. At the very least . . .
TRILETSKY. I drop in on her, chat with her, bore her silly, put her dear mama to the expense of making coffee and . . . that’s all. Your move. I drop by, I ought to tell you, every other day, and sometimes every day, I walk down shady lanes . . . I talk to her about my stuff, she talks to me about her stuff, then she takes me by this button and flicks lint off my collar . . . I’m constantly covered in lint.5
ANNA PETROVNA. Well?
TRILETSKY. Well, nothing . . . Just what it is I find attractive about her is hard to define. Whether it’s boredom or love or something else, I can’t figure out . . . I know that when dinner’s over she bores me stiff . . . It has incidentally come to my attention that I bore her as well . . .
ANNA PETROVNA. Love, in other words?
TRILETSKY (shrugs his shoulders). Quite possibly. What do you think, do I love her or not?
ANNA PETROVNA. Isn’t that sweet! You should know better than I . . .
TRILETSKY. Uh-oh . . . you really don’t understand me! . . . Your move!
ANNA PETROVNA. I’m moving. I don’t understand, Nikolya! It’s not easy for a woman to understand the way you’re behaving in this sort of relationship . . .
Pause.
TRILETSKY. She’s a good girl.
ANNA PETROVNA. I like her. Got her wits about her . . . Only here’s the thing, my friend . . . Don’t get her involved in any hanky-panky! . . . None of that sort of thing . . . That’s your besetting sin . . . You hang around and hang around, talk arrant nonsense, make promises, spread rumors and then you call the whole thing off . . . I’d be awfully sorry . . . What is she up to these days? . . .
TRILETSKY. Reading.
ANNA PETROVNA. And studying chemistry?
They laugh.
TRILETSKY. I suppose so.
ANNA PETROVNA. A marvelous creature . . . Careful! You knocked over that piece with your sleeve! I like her with that pointy little nose of hers! She might make quite a good scientist . . .
TRILETSKY. She can’t figure out what she wants to do, poor girl!
ANNA PETROVNA. Tell you what, Nikolay . . . Ask Mariya Yefimovna to come over and see me some time . . . I’ll find out what she’s like . . . Now, I won’t act as a marriage broker, I’ll just . . . You and I will get a taste of her quality, and we’ll either let her go about her business or take her on approval . . . Whichever way it turns out . . .
Pause.
I think of you as a babe in arms, fickle as the wind, and that’s why I’m interfering in your affairs. Your move. Here’s my advice. Either drop her entirely or else marry her . . . Only do marry her, and . . . nothing else! If, to your great surprise, you want to marry her, please think it over first . . . Please examine her from every angle, not superficially, give it some thought, turn it over in your mind, discuss it, so you won’t have cause for tears later on . . . You hear me?
TRILETSKY. How can I help it . . . I’m all ears.
ANNA PETROVNA. I know you. You do everything without a second thought and you’ll get married without a second thought. A woman has only to crook her finger, and you’re ready to go the whole hog. You should consult with your closest friends . . . Yes . . . You can’t rely on your own stupid head . . . (Raps on the table.) That’s what your head’s made of! (Whistles.) The wind whistles through it, my good man! It’s packed with brains, but not an ounce of sense . . .