VENGEROVICH JR. I don’t dole out charity.
TRILETSKY goes “Boo.”
PLATONOV. You don’t? That’s your business . . . I was referring to courtesy, not charity . . . You despise me that intensely?
VENGEROVICH JR. As much as a man can, who wholeheartedly hates vulgarity, servility, buffoonery . . .
PLATONOV (sighs). It’s been a long time since I’ve heard a speech like that . . . “And a mem’ry of home rings out in the songs of the coachman!” . . .33 I too was once an expert at tossing such bouquets . . . Only, unfortunately, this is all rhetoric . . . Charming rhetoric, but mere rhetoric . . . If only there were a smidgeon of sincerity . . . False notes jar terribly on an unpracticed ear . . .
VENGEROVICH JR. Shouldn’t we put an end to this talk?
PLATONOV. What for? They’re listening to us so avidly, and besides we haven’t had time to get sick of one another . . . Let’s keep talking in the same vein . . .
VASILY runs in, followed by OSIP.
SCENE XV
The same and OSIP.
OSIP (enters). Ahem . . . I have the honor and pleasure of wishing Your Excellency well on her arrival . . .
Pause.
I wish you all that you wish God to grant you.
Laughter.
PLATONOV. Whom do I see?! The devil’s bosom buddy! The terror of the countryside! The most hair-raising of mortals!
ANNA PETROVNA. What have you got to say for yourself! You’re not wanted here! Why did you come?
OSIP. To wish you well.
ANNA PETROVNA. A lot I need that! Clear out of here!
PLATONOV. Are you the one who, in darkest night and light of day, strikes fearsome terror into the hearts of men? I haven’t seen you for ages, manslaughterer, the six sixty-six prophesied by the Apocalypse!34 Well, my friend? Expatiate on something! Lend your ears to Osip the great!
OSIP (bows). On your arrival, Your Excellency! Sergey Pavlych! On your lawful marriage! God grant that everything . . . that when it comes to family you get the best . . . of everything! God grant it!
VOINITSEV. Thank you! (to Sofya Yegorovna.) Here, Sophie, may I introduce the Voinitsev bogeyman!
ANNA PETROVNA. Don’t detain him, Platonov! Let him go! I’m angry with him. (To Osip.) Tell them in the kitchen to give you something to eat . . . Look at those animal-like eyes! Did you steal a lot of our wood last winter?
OSIP (laughs). Three or four little trees . . .
Laughter.
ANNA PETROVNA (laughs). You’re lying, it’s a lot more! And he’s even got a watch-chain! Tell me! Is it a gold watch-chain? Would you tell me what time it is?
OSIP (looks at the clock on the wall). Twenty-two minutes past one . . . May I kiss your little hand!
ANNA PETROVNA (extends her hand to him). There, kiss it . . .
OSIP (kisses her hand). Most grateful to Your Excellency for your kind indulgence! (Bows.) Why are you holding on to me, Mikhail Vasilich?
PLATONOV. I’m afraid that you’re going to leave. I love you, my dear fellow! What a strapping youth, double damn you! What was the bright idea, wiseguy, in coming here?
OSIP. I was chasing that fool, that Vasily, and wound up in here by accident.
PLATONOV. A clever man chases a fool, and not the other way round! I am honored, gentlemen, to make an introduction! A most interesting specimen! One of the most interesting bloodthirsty beasts of prey in the zoological museum of today! (Turns Osip around in all directions.) Known to each and every one as Osip, horse thief, freeloader, homicide, and thief. Born in Voinitsevka, committed robbery and murder in Voinitsevka, and lost and gone forever in that same Voinitsevka!
Laughter.
OSIP (laughs). You’re a wonderful man, Mikhail Vasilich!
TRILETSKY (inspects Osip). What’s your occupation, my good man?
OSIP. Stealing.
TRILETSKY. Hm . . . A pleasant occupation . . . But what a cynic you are!
OSIP. What does cynic mean?
TRILETSKY. Cynic is a Greek word, which, translated into your language, means: a swine who wants the whole world to know he is a swine.
PLATONOV. He’s smiling, ye gods! What a smile! And that face, what a face! There’s two tons of iron in that face! You’ve have a hard time breaking it on a stone! (Walks him over to the mirror.) Look at that, you monstrosity! See it? Doesn’t it surprise you?
OSIP. Just an ordinary man! Not so much as that . . .
PLATONOV. Is that right? And not a paladin? Not Ilya Muromets?35 (Claps him on the shoulder.) O courageous, unconquered Russian! What sense do we make compared to thee? Petty little creatures, parasites, we huddle in our corner, we don’t know where we belong . . . We should be thy companions, we need a wilderness with champions, paladins with heads that weigh a ton, hissing and whistling. Could you have bumped off Nightingale the Bandit?36 Eh?
OSIP. Who can tell!
PLATONOV. You would have bumped him off! After all, you’re strong enough! Those aren’t muscles, but steel cables! Which reminds me, why aren’t you on a chain gang?37
ANNA PETROVNA. Cut it short, Platonov! Honestly, you make me sick and tired.
PLATONOV. You’ve been in jail at least once, Osip?
OSIP. On occasion . . . I’m there every winter.
PLATONOV. That’s the way it should be . . . It’s cold in the forest—go to jail. But why aren’t you on a chain gang?
OSIP. I don’t know . . . Let me go, Mikhail Vasilich!
PLATONOV. Aren’t you of this world? Are you beyond time and space? Are you beyond customs and laws?
OSIP. Excuse me, sir . . . What it says in the law is, you only get sent to Siberia when they prove a case against you or catch you in the commission of a crime . . . Everybody knows, let’s say, that I’m, let’s say, a thief and a robber (laughs), but not everybody can prove it . . . Hm . . . Nowadays folks ain’t got no gumption, they’re stupid, no brains, I mean . . . Scared of everything . . . So they’re scared to testify . . . They could have got me exiled, but they ain’t got the hang of the law . . . Everything puts ‘em in a panic . . . Folks nowadays are jackasses, long story short . . . They’d rather be trying something on the sly, ganging up on you . . . Lowdown, no-good folks . . . Ignorant . . . And it’s no shame if folks like that get hurt . . .
PLATONOV. What cogent reasoning from a scoundrel! Arrived at his own conclusions, the repulsive brute! And on a theoretical basis at that . . . (Sighs.) The foul things that are still possible in Russia! . . .
OSIP. I ain’t the only one to figure it out, Mikhail Vasilich! Nowadays everybody figures like that. Take, for instance, Abram Abramych there . . .
PLATONOV. Yes, he’s yet another outlaw . . . Everybody knows it, and nobody testifies.