GLAGOLYEV JR. Thanks to him I’ve come back with nothing but a toothbrush! I sent him thirty-five telegrams from Paris! Why didn’t you send me any money, I’m asking you! Are you blushing? Are you ashamed?
TRILETSKY. Don’t shout, please, your lordship! If you do shout, I shall send your calling card to the examining magistrate and have you legally charged with misappropriating the title of count which does not belong to you! It’s indecent!
GLAGOLYEV SR. Don’t, Kirill, there’ll be a scandal! I assumed that six thousand would be enough. Calm down!
GLAGOLYEV JR. Give me money, and I’ll go away again! Give it right now! Right now give it! I’ll go! Give it this minute! I’m in a hurry!
ANNA PETROVNA. Where are you off to in such a hurry? You’ve got time! Tell us about your travels instead . . .
YAKOV (enters). Luncheon is served!
ANNA PETROVNA. Really? In that case, ladies and gentlemen, let’s go and eat!
TRILETSKY. Eat! Hurra-a-ah! (With one hand he seizes Sasha’s hand and with the other Glagolyev Jr.’s and starts to run.)
SASHA. Let go! Let go, you holy terror! I can go by myself!
GLAGOLYEV JR. Let go of me! What is this boorishness? I don’t care for jokes. (Tears himself away.)
SASHA and TRILETSKY run out.
ANNA PETROVNA (takes Glagolyev Jr. by the arm). Let’s go, Parisian! There’s no point in fuming over nothing! Abram Abramych, Timofey Gordeich . . . Please! (Exits with Glagolyev Jr.)
BUGROV (gets up and stretches). Takes so long for lunch to show up around here, you can’t stop drooling. (Exits.)
PLATONOV (gives Sofya Yegorovna his hand). May I? What a look of wonder in your eyes! For you this world is undiscovered territory! This world (in an undertone) of fools, Sofya Yegorovna, arrant, obtuse, hopeless fools . . . (Exits with Sofya Yegorovna. )
VENGEROVICH SR. (to his son). Now you’ve seen him?
VENGEROVICH JR. He is a most original villain! (Exits with his father.)
VOINITSEV (nudges Ivan Ivanovich). Ivan Ivanych! Ivan Ivanych! Lunch!
IVAN IVANOVICH (leaps up). Huh? Somebody?
VOINITSEV. Nobody . . . Let’s go have lunch!
IVAN IVANOVICH. Very good, my dear fellow!
SCENE XVIII
PETRIN and GLAGOLYEV SR.
PETRIN. You’re willing to do it?
GLAGOLYEV SR. I’m not against it . . . I’ve already told you!
PETRIN. Darling boy . . . You definitely want to get married?
GLAGOLYEV SR. I don’t know, old pal. Is she still willing?
PETRIN. She is! Goddamn me, but she is!
GLAGOLYEV SR. Who knows? It isn’t right to think about . . . “Another’s heart is a shadowy part.” Why are you so concerned?
PETRIN. Who else should I be concerned about, darling boy? You’re a good man, she’s a wonderful woman . . . You want me to put in a word with her?
GLAGOLYEV SR. I’ll put in my own word. You keep still in the meantime and . . . if possible, please, don’t get involved! I know how to marry myself off. (Exits.)
PETRIN (alone). I wish he did! Saints in heaven, put yourselves in my shoes! . . . If the general’s lady marries him, I’m a rich man! My I.O.U.s will be paid, saints in heaven! I’ve even lost my appetite at this joyous prospect. The servants of God, Anna and Porfiry, be joined in holy matrimony, or, rather, Porfiry and Anna . . .
Enter ANNA PETROVNA.
SCENE XIX
PETRIN and ANNA PETROVNA.
ANNA PETROVNA. Why haven’t you gone in to lunch?
PETRIN. Dear lady, Anna Petrovna, may I drop a hint to you?
ANNA PETROVNA. Drop it, but do it quickly, please . . . I’ve got no time . . .
PETRIN. Hm . . . Could you let me have a little bit of money, dear lady?
ANNA PETROVNA. You call that a hint? That is far from a hint. How much do you need? One ruble, two?
PETRIN. Make a dent in your I.O.U.s. I’m fed up staring at those I.O.U.s . . . I.O.U.s are nothing but delusions, a nebulous dream. They say: you own something! But in fact it turns out you own nothing!
ANNA PETROVNA. Are you still on about that sixteen thousand? Aren’t you ashamed? Doesn’t it make your skin crawl every time you beg for that loan? Isn’t it disgraceful? What do you, an old bachelor, need with such ill-gotten gains?
PETRIN. I need them because they’re mine, dear lady.
ANNA PETROVNA. You finagled those I.O.U.s out of my husband, when he wasn’t sober, was ill . . . Do you remember?
PETRIN. What if I did, dear lady? In any case they are I.O.U.s, which means that they require repayment in cash. Money loves to be accounted for.
ANNA PETROVNA. All right, all right . . . That’s enough. I don’t have any money and never shall have for your sort! Beat it, sue me! Ech, you and your law degree! You’re going to die any day now, after all, so what’s the point of cheating people? You crank!
PETRIN. May I drop a hint, dear lady?
ANNA PETROVNA. You may not. (Goes to the door.) Go and work your gums!
PETRIN. If I may, dear lady! Dearest cousin, just one little minute! Do you like Porfiry?
ANNA PETROVNA. What’s this about? What business is it of yours, you shyster?
PETRIN. What business? (Slaps his chest.) And who, may I ask, was the best friend of the late major-general? Who closed his eyes on his deathbed?
ANNA PETROVNA. You, you, you! And said what a good boy am I!
PETRIN. I shall go and drink to the repose of his soul . . . (Sighs.) And to your health! Proud and arrogant, madam! Pride goeth before a fall . . . (Exits.)
Enter PLATONOV.
SCENE XX
ANNA PETROVNA and PLATONOV.
PLATONOV. How damned conceited can you get! You throw him out, and he sits there, as if nothing had happened . . . That is truly boorish, profiteering conceit! Penny for your thoughts, Excellency?
ANNA PETROVNA. Have you calmed down?
PLATONOV. I’ve calmed down . . . But let’s not get angry . . . (Kisses her hand.) Anybody, our dear general’s lady, has the right to throw every last one of them out of your house . . .
ANNA PETROVNA. How delighted I’d be, insufferable Mikhail Vasilich, to throw out all these guests! . . . But here’s the problem: the honor you speechified about on my behalf today is digestible only in theory, and not in practice. Neither I nor your eloquence has the right to throw them out. After all, they’re all our benefactors, our creditors . . . I only have to look cross-eyed at them — and tomorrow we will be off this estate . . . It’s either estate or honor, you see . . . I pick estate . . . Take this, dear windbag, any way you like, but if you don’t want me to depart these beautiful precincts, then stop reminding me about honor and don’t disturb my geese . . .39 They’re calling me . . . Today after dinner we’ll go for a drive . . . Don’t you dare leave! (Claps him on the shoulder.) We’ll live it up! Let’s go and eat! (Exits.)