YAKOV. He’s here.
OSIP. Go and call ‘im! But call ‘im on the quiet! Tell ‘im that there’s a big deal on . . .
YAKOV. Sure. (Exits into the house.)
OSIP (breaks off a lantern, puts it out and sticks it in his pocket). Last year I was in town at Darya Ivanovna’s, the fence who runs a barroom with girls on tap, played cards . . . Three kopeks was the lowest stakes . . . But the forfeits came to two rubles . . . Won eight rubles . . . (Breaks off another lantern.) A hot time in the old town!
VASILY. Them lanterns ain’t hung up for you! Why tear ‘em down?
OSIP. Why, I didn’t see you there! How’re ya, jackass! How you getting on? (Walks over to him.) How’s business?
Pause.
Oh you swayback! Oh you pig’s nursemaid! (Takes off Vasily’s cap.) You’re a funny guy! Honest to God, real funny! Have you got even an ounce o’ brains? (Throws the cap on to a tree.) Slap my face because I’m a menace to society!
VASILY. Let somebody else slap it for you, I’m not going to hit you!
OSIP. But will you kill me? No, if you’re smart, you won’t gang up to kill me, but do it yourself! Spit in my face because I’m a menace to society!
VASILY. I won’t spit. Why don’t you leave me alone?
OSIP. You won’t spit? Afraid of me, is that it? Get down on your knees before me!
Pause.
Well? Kneel down! Who’m I talking to? The wall or flesh-and-blood?
Pause.
Who’m I talking to?
VASILY (kneeling down). This is wrong of you, Osip Ivanych!
OSIP. Ashamed to kneel? I like that a lot . . . A gent in a tailcoat, and on his knees in front of a robber . . . Well, now shout hurray at the top of your lungs . . . How about it?
Enter VENGEROVICH SR.
SCENE VIII
OSIP and VENGEROVICH SR.
VENGEROVICH SR. (enters from the house). Who is calling for me here?
OSIP (quickly removes his cap). Me, sir, your highandmightiness.
VASILY gets up, sits on the bench, and weeps.
VENGEROVICH SR. What do you want?
OSIP. You pleased to look in at the barroom and ask for me, so I came!
VENGEROVICH SR. Oh yes . . . But . . . couldn’t you at least pick another spot?
OSIP. For decent people, Your Excellency, any spot will do!
VENGEROVICH SR. I need you more or less . . . Let’s get away from here . . . Over to that bench!
They go to the bench far upstage.
Stand somewhat farther off, as if you weren’t talking to me . . . That’s it! The tavern-keeper Lev Solomonych sent you?
OSIP. Just so.
VENGEROVICH SR. No point to it . . . I didn’t want you, but . . . what’s to be done? You’re hopeless. It isn’t right to do business with you . . . You’re such a bad man . . .
OSIP. Very bad! Worse than anyone on earth.
VENGEROVICH SR. Not so loud! The amount of money I’ve made over to you, it’s dreadful, but you act as if my money were a pebble or some other piece of trash . . . You take liberties, you steal . . . You’re turning away? You don’t like the truth? Truth dazzles your eyes?
OSIP. It does, but not your kind, Your Excellency! You asked me here just to read me a lecture?
VENGEROVICH SR. Not so loud . . . You know . . . Platonov?
OSIP. Yes, the schoolteacher. Why wouldn’t I know ‘im?
VENGEROVICH SR. Yes, the schoolteacher. A teacher, who only teaches how to insult people and nothing more. How much would you charge to disable that teacher?
OSIP. What do you mean disable?
VENGEROVICH SR. Not kill, but disable . . . It doesn’t do to kill people . . . What’s the point of killing them? Murder is something that . . . Disable means beating him up so that he’ll remember it all his life long . . .
OSIP. That can be done, sir . . .
VENGEROVICH SR. Break some of his bones, disfigure his face . . . What’ll you charge? Shhh . . . Someone’s coming . . . Let’s go someplace farther off. . .
They walk far upstage . . . Enter from the house PLATONOV and GREKOVA.
SCENE IX
VENGEROVICH SR. and OSIP (upstage), PLATONOV and GREKOVA.
PLATONOV (laughs). What, what? How’s that? (Roars with laughter.) How’s that? I didn’t catch that . . .
GREKOVA. You didn’t catch it? Is that so? I can repeat it . . . I can express myself even more rudely . . . You won’t be offended, of course . . . You’re so used to all sorts of rudeness that my words will hardly come as a surprise . . .
PLATONOV. Speak out, speak out, my beauty!
GREKOVA. I am not a beauty. Anyone who thinks I’m a beauty has no taste . . . Frankly—I’m not beautiful, am I? What do you think?
PLATONOV. I’ll tell you later. Now you speak out!
GREKOVA. Then listen here . . . You are either an above-average man or else . . . a scoundrel, one or the other.
PLATONOV roars with laughter.
You’re laughing . . . Actually, it is funny . . . (Bursts out laughing.)
PLATONOV (roars with laughter). She said it! Bully for the little fool! Well, I’ll be! (Takes her round the waist.)
GREKOVA (sits down). However, let me . . .
PLATONOV. She’s just the same as other people! She philosophizes, practices chemistry, and the remarks she comes up with! Who’d have thought it of her, the wallflower! (Kisses her.) Very pretty little, crack-brained rascal . . .
GREKOVA. Do let me . . . What is this? I . . . I didn’t say . . . (Gets up and sits down again.) Why are you kissing me? I’m quite . . .
PLATONOV. She spoke and bowled me over! Let’s say something, says she, and startle him! Let him see how clever I am! (Kisses her.) She’s confused . . . she’s confused . . . Looks around stupidly . . . Ah, ah . . .
GREKOVA. You . . . you love me? Yes? . . . Yes?
PLATONOV (squeaks). And you love me?
GREKOVA. If . . . if . . . then . . . yes . . . (Weeps.) You do love me? Otherwise you shouldn’t act this way . . . You do love me?
PLATONOV. Not a smidge, my precious! I don’t love little fools, being a sinful man! I do love one fool, but there’s nothing to be done about that . . . Oh! She’s turned pale! Her eyes are shooting sparks! You’ll find out who you’re dealing with, says she! . . .
GREKOVA (rises). Are you making fun of me or what?
PLATONOV. Who knows, there may be a slap in the offing . . .
GREKOVA. I am proud . . . I don’t mean to soil my hands . . . I told you, my dear sir, that you are either an above-average man or a scoundrel, now I tell you that you are an above-average scoundrel! I despise you! (Exits into the house.) I won’t break into tears now . . . I’m glad that I’ve found out at last the sort of creature you are . . .