OSIP. I’ll take a seat . . . (Sits down.)
PLATONOV. Be so kind!
Pause.
Are you your old self, Osip? What’s wrong with you? Your face is inscribed with all ten plagues of Egypt!80 What’s happened to you? You’re pale, thin, gaunt . . . Are you sick?
OSIP. You got plagues inscribed on your face too . . . What’s happened to you? I got all hell riding my tail, but what about you?
PLATONOV. Me? I don’t know anything about hell . . . I’m riding my own tail . . . (Touches Osip on the shoulder.) Skin and bones!
OSIP. Where’s your extra pounds? Sick, Mikhail Vasilich? Result of good behavior?
PLATONOV (sits beside him). Why did you come?
OSIP. To say good-bye . . .
PLATONOV. Are you really going away?
OSIP. I’m not going away, you are.
PLATONOV. How about that! How do you know?
OSIP. Why wouldn’t I know?
PLATONOV. I’m not going away, pal, not I. You’ve come on a fool’s errand.
OSIP. You are going away, sir . . .
PLATONOV. And you know it all, and it’s all your business . . . You, Osip, are a witch. I am going away, my dear fellow. You’re right.
OSIP. There, you see, that means I know. I even know where you’re going!
PLATONOV. Is that so? You’re really something . . . Even I don’t know. An authority, quite the authority! Well, tell me, where am I off to?
OSIP. Would you like to know?
PLATONOV. For heaven’s sake! This is fascinating! Where am I off to?
OSIP. The next world.
PLATONOV. Quite a distance!
Pause.
A riddle. Are you the one who’s going to send me there?
OSIP. Right you are. I brought you the ticket.
PLATONOV. Most kind of you! . . . Hm . . . In other words, you’ve come here to kill me?
OSIP. Right you are . . .
PLATONOV (mimics him). Right you are . . . What impudence, damn it! He’s come to dispatch me to the next world . . . Hm . . . You planning to kill me on your own behalf or did someone commission it?
OSIP (shows a twenty-five ruble note). That’s it . . . Vengerovich gave me this so I’d cripple your grace! (Tears up the money.)
PLATONOV. Aha . . . The older Vengerovich?
OSIP. The man himself . . .
PLATONOV. Then why did you tear up the money? Want to show how big-hearted you are, or what?
OSIP. I don’t know how to show I’m big-hearted, but I tore up the money so you wouldn’t be thinking in the next world that I killed you for money.
PLATONOV gets up and walks up and down the stage.
Are you afraid, Mikhail Vasilich? Scared? (Laughs.) Run away, shout! I’m not standing by the door, I’m not holding the door: there’s a way out. Go and call folks, tell ‘em that Osip’s come to kill you! For he has come to kill you . . . Don’t you believe me?
Pause.
PLATONOV (walks over to Osip and looks at him). Wonderful.
Pause.
What are you smiling for? Idiot! (Hits him on the arm.) Stop smiling! I’m talking to you! Shut up! I’ll see you hanged! I’ll smash you to a pulp, cutthroat! (Quickly walks away from him.) And yet . . . Don’t get me angry . . . I mustn’t get angry . . . It makes me sick.
OSIP. Slap my face because I’m a menace to society!
PLATONOV. As much as you please! (Walks over to Osip and slaps him.) What? Staggering? Just wait, see how you’ll start to stagger, when a hundred cudgels are drumming on your empty head! You remember how pock-marked Filka died?
OSIP. A dog dies a dog’s death.
PLATONOV. V-v-v . . . what a disgusting creature you are! I could mangle you, villain! Why do you do them harm, you despicable soul, like a disease, like a wildfire? What have they done to you? V-v-v . . . Bastard!! (Hits him on the cheek.) Filth! I’ll take you and . . . I’ll take you . . . (Quickly walks away from Osip.) Get out!
OSIP. Spit in my face because I’m a menace to society!
PLATONOV. Spit’s too good for you!
OSIP (gets up). So you dare to talk like that?
PLATONOV. Get out of here, before I grind you into the mud!
OSIP. You wouldn’t dare! You’re a menace to society too!
PLATONOV. You’re bandying words with me again? (Walks up to him.) You came to kill me, I believe? Well! Kill me! Here I am! Kill me now!
OSIP. I respected you, Mister Platonov, I took you to be somebody important! But now . . . It’s a shame to kill you, but I got to . . . You’re the real menace . . . Why did the young lady come by here today?
PLATONOV (shakes him by the chest). Kill me! Come on and kill me!
OSIP. And why did the General’s lady come by here afterwards? That mean you’re cheating on the General’s lady? And where’s your wife? Which of them three is the one that matters most? And you’re not a menace to society after that? (Quickly trips him up and falls on top of him on the floor.)
PLATONOV. Get off me! I’ll kill you, you won’t kill me! I’m stronger than you!
They wrestle.
Careful!
OSIP. You turn over on your stomach! Don’t twist my arm! It’s not my arm’s fault for anything, so why twist it? There you go again! When you’re in the next world, give General Voinitsev my sincerest regards!
PLATONOV. Let go!
OSIP (pulls a knife out of his belt). Careful! All the same I’ll kill you! And you’re so strong! Somebody important! Don’t feel like dying? Then hands off what don’t belong to you!
PLATONOV (shouts). My arm! Wait, wait . . . My arm!
OSIP. Don’t feel like dying? You’re gonna be in the kingdom of heaven any minute now . . .
PLATONOV. Only don’t stab me in the back, you ironclad animal, stab me in the chest! My arm! Let go, Osip! A wife, a son . . . Is this a dagger that I see before me? O cursèd spite!81
SASHA runs in.
SCENE VII
The same and SASHA.
SASHA (runs in). What’s going on? (Shrieks.) Misha! (Runs to the wrestlers and falls on them.) What are you doing?
OSIP. Who’s that? Aleksandra Ivanovna? (Jumps up.) Let him live! (to Sasha.) Here’s a jackknife for you! (Hands over the knife.) I won’t cut his throat with you standing by . . . Let him live! I’ll cut his throat later! He won’t get away! (Leaps through the window.)
PLATONOV (after a pause). What a devil . . . Greetings, Sasha! That is you, isn’t it? (Groans.)
SASHA. He hasn’t hurt you? Can you get up? Hurry up!