PLATONOV. No words . . . no words . . . I don’t need words!
TRILETSKY. It’s lucky for you, you butcher, that I stopped by your house before daybreak! Why, what would have happened, if I hadn’t stopped by, if I hadn’t come in the nick of time? She would have died! Do you understand this or don’t you? Ordinarily you understand everything, except the most ordinary things! Oh, I would have given it to you then! I wouldn’t have stood and gazed at your pathetic facial expressions! If only you had wagged your damned tongue less and listened more, this disaster wouldn’t have occurred! I wouldn’t trade her for ten such clever fellows as you! Let’s go!
VOINITSEV. Stop shouting! Ah . . . I’m so sick and tired of all of you . . .
TRILETSKY. Let’s go!
PLATONOV. Hold on . . . So she . . . isn’t dead, you’re saying?
TRILETSKY. Would you like her to be dead?
PLATONOV (shrieks). She isn’t dead! I can’t understand how . . . She isn’t dead? (Embraces Triletsky.) She’s alive? (Roars with laughter.) Alive!
ANNA PETROVNA. I don’t understand! . . .Triletsky, please talk sense! Today for some reason they’re all exceptionally stupid! What’s the meaning of this letter?
TRILETSKY. She did write this letter . . . If it hadn’t been for me, she would have had time to die . . . And now she’s awfully sick! I don’t know whether her system can take it . . . Oh, just let her die, and then . . . Get away from me, please!
PLATONOV. You gave me such a fright! My God! She’s still alive! Which means, you didn’t let her die? My dear fellow! (Kisses Triletsky.) Dear man! (Roars with laughter.) I didn’t believe in medicine, but now I even believe in you! How is she now? Weak? Ailing? But we’ll get her on her feet!
TRILETSKY. Will she pull through?
PLATONOV. She will! If she can’t, I’ll do it for her! Why didn’t you say straight out that she’s alive? Anna Petrovna! Dear lady! A glass of cold water, and I’m happy! Forgive me, ladies and gentlemen, all of you! Anna Petrovna! I’m losing my mind! . . . (Kisses Anna Petrovna’s hand.) Sasha’s alive . . . Water, water . . . my dear lady!
ANNA PETROVNA exits with the empty carafe and a minute later reenters with water.
(To Triletsky.) Let’s go to her! On her feet, on her feet! Ransack all medicine from Hippocrates86 to Triletsky! We’ll turn it all inside-out! Who should be living on this earth if not her? Let’s go! But no . . . wait a bit! My head’s spinning . . . . I’m awfully sick . . . Hold on . . . (Sits on the sofa.) I’ll rest and then we’ll go . . . She’s very weak?
TRILETSKY. Very . . . He’s overjoyed! What he’s overjoyed about I don’t understand!
ANNA PETROVNA. I was frightened too. You should have spoken more clearly! Drink this! (Gives Platonov some water.)
PLATONOV (drinks greedily). Thank you, kind lady! I’m a villain, a deep-dyed villain! (to Triletsky.) Sit beside me! (Triletsky sits.) You’re exhausted too . . . Thank you, friend. Did she take a lot?
TRILETSKY. Enough to send her to the next world.
PLATONOV. What a girl . . . Well, thank God. My arm hurts . . . Let me have another drink. I’m awfully sick myself, Nikolay! Can hardly keep my wits about me . . . Look how I’m about to fall over . . . I suppose I’ve got a temperature. Toy soldiers in calico uniforms and pointy little caps keep flashing before my eyes . . . Yellow and green all around . . . Prescribe me some chinini sulphurici . . .87
TRILETSKY. I should prescribe you a good hundred lashes!
PLATONOV (roars with laughter). Joker, joker . . . Sometimes I do laugh at your witticisms. Are you my brother-in-law or my wife’s brother? My God, how sick I am! You can’t imagine how sick I am!
TRILETSKY takes his pulse.
ANNA PETROVNA (quietly to Triletsky). Take him away, Nikolay Ivanych! I’ll come to see you myself today, I’ll have a word with Aleksandra Ivanovna. What was she thinking of to scare us like that? Is she in danger?
TRILETSKY. It’s hard to say as yet. She didn’t manage to poison herself, but on the whole . . . she’s in a bad way.
PLATONOV. What did you give her?
TRILETSKY. What was appropriate. (Gets up.) Let’s go!
PLATONOV. And what did you give the General’s lady just now?
TRILETSKY. You’re delirious . . . Let’s go!
PLATONOV. Let’s go . . . (Gets up.) Sergey Pavlovich! Let it go! (Sits down.) Let it go! What are you so down in the mouth about? As if they’d stolen the sun from the earth! And yet there was a time he studied philosophy! Be a Socrates!88 Eh? Sergey Pavlovich! (Quietly.) However, I myself don’t know what to say . . .
TRILETSKY (puts his hand on Platonov’s head). You had to get sick on top of everything else! Although to purge your conscience a little sickness wouldn’t hurt!
ANNA PETROVNA. Platonov, go, for heaven’s sake! Send to town for other doctors . . . A second opinion wouldn’t hurt . . . Actually, I’ll send for them myself, don’t worry about it . . . Comfort Aleksandra Ivanovna!
PLATONOV. Anna Petrovna, there’s a baby grand crawling down your bosom! Ridiculous! (Laughs.) Ridiculous! Sit down, Nikolay, and play something on it! . . . (Roars with laughter.) Ridiculous! I’m sick, Nikolay . . . I’m speaking seriously . . . No kidding . . . Let’s go!
Enter IVAN IVANOVICH.
SCENE X
The same and IVAN IVANOVICH.
IVAN IVANOVICH (unkempt, in a dressing gown). My Sasha! (Weeps.)
TRILETSKY. All we needed was you and your tears! Get out of here! Why’ve you come a-running?
IVAN IVANOVICH. She’s dying! She wants the last rites! I’m scared, I’m scared . . . Ugh, I’m so scared! (Walks over to Platonov.) Mishenka! I implore you in the name of God and all His saints! Dear, clever, handsome, honorable man! Go and tell her that you love her! Give up all these lousy love affairs! I implore you on bended knee! She’s really dying! She’s my only daughter . . . my only one! If she dies . . . I’ll drop dead before the priest can get there! You tell her that you love her, you admit she’s your wife! Calm her down, for Christ’s sake! Mishenka! Lying can be a way to salvation . . . God will see that you are righteous, but lie to save your nearest and dearest! Let’s go, do me the favor! You’ll grant this favor to me, an old man, for Christ’s sake! A hundredfold will the Lord reward you! I’m all a-tremble, I’m a-tremble with fear!
PLATONOV. Already had time to hit the bottle, Colonel? (Laughs.) We’ll cure Sasha and have a drink together! Ah, how I want a drink!