Reginald at the Theatre
‘After all,’ said the Duchess vaguely, ‘there are certain things you can’t get away from. Right and wrong, good conduct and moral rectitude, have certain well-defined limits.’
‘So, for the matter of that,’ replied Reginald, ‘has the Russian Empire. The trouble is that the limits are not always in the same place.’
Reginald and the Duchess regarded each other with mutual distrust, tempered by a scientific interest. Reginald considered that the Duchess had much to learn; in particular, not to hurry out of the Carlton as though afraid of losing one’s last ’bus. A woman, he said, who is careless of disappearances is capable of leaving town before Goodwood, and dying at the wrong moment of an unfashionable disease.
The Duchess thought that Reginald did not exceed the ethical standard which circumstances demanded.
‘Of course,’ she resumed combatively, ‘it’s the prevailing fashion to believe in perpetual change and mutability, and all that sort of thing, and to say we are all merely an improved form of primeval ape◦– of course you subscribe to that doctrine?’
‘I think it decidedly premature; in most people I know the process is far from complete.’
‘And equally of course you are quite irreligious?’
‘Oh, by no means. The fashion just now is a Roman Catholic frame of mind with an Agnostic conscience: you get the medieval picturesqueness of the one with the modern conveniences of the other.’
The Duchess suppressed a sniff. She was one of those people who regard the Church of England with patronising affection, as if it were something that had grown up in their kitchen garden.
‘But there are other things,’ she continued, ‘which I suppose are to a certain extent sacred even to you. Patriotism, for instance, and Empire, and Imperial responsibility, and blood-is-thicker-than water, and all that sort of thing.’
Reginald waited for a couple of minutes before replying, while the Lord of Rimini temporarily monopolised the acoustic possibilities of the theatre.
‘That is the worst of a tragedy,’ he observed, ‘one can’t always hear oneself talk. Of course I accept the Imperial idea and the responsibility. After all, I would just as soon think in Continents as anywhere else. And some day, when the season is over and we have the time, you shall explain to me the exact blood-brotherhood and all that sort of thing that exists between a French Canadian and a mild Hindoo and a Yorkshireman, for instance.’
‘Oh, well, “dominion over palm and pine”, you know,’ quoted the Duchess hopefully; ‘of course we mustn’t forget that we’re all part of the great Anglo-Saxon Empire.’
‘Which for its part is rapidly becoming a suburb of Jerusalem. A very pleasant suburb, I admit, and quite a charming Jerusalem. But still a suburb.’
‘Really, to be told one’s living in a suburb when one is conscious of spreading the benefits of civilisation all over the world! Philanthropy◦– I suppose you will say that is a comfortable delusion; and yet even you must admit that whenever want or misery or starvation is known to exist, however distant or difficult of access, we instantly organise relief on the most generous scale, and distribute it, if need be, to the uttermost ends of the earth.’
The Duchess paused, with a sense of ultimate triumph. She had made the same observation at a drawing-room meeting, and it had been extremely well received.
‘I wonder,’ said Reginald, ‘if you have ever walked down the Embankment on a winter night?’
‘Gracious, no, child. Why do you ask?’
‘I didn’t; I only wondered. And even your philanthropy, practised in a world where everything is based on competition, must have a debit as well as a credit account. The young ravens cry for food.’
‘And are fed.’
‘Exactly. Which presupposes that something else is fed upon.’
‘Oh, you’re simply exasperating. You’ve been reading Nietzsche till you haven’t got any sense of moral proportion left. May I ask if you are governed by any laws of conduct whatever?’
‘There are certain fixed rules that one observes for one’s own comfort. For instance, never be flippantly rude to any inoffensive, grey-bearded stranger that you may meet in pine forests or hotel smoking-rooms on the Continent. It always turns out to be the King of Sweden.’
‘The restraint must be dreadfully irksome to you. When I was younger, boys of your age used to be nice and innocent.’
‘Now we are only nice. One must specialise in these days. Which reminds me of the man I read of in some sacred book who was given a choice of what he most desired. And because he didn’t ask for titles and honours and dignities, but only for immense wealth, these other things came to him also.’
‘I am sure you didn’t read about him in any sacred book.’
‘Yes; I fancy you will find him in Debrett.’
Reginald’s Peace Poem
‘I’m writing a poem on Peace,’ said Reginald, emerging from a sweeping operation through a tin of mixed biscuits, in whose depths a macaroon or two might yet be lurking.
‘Something of the kind seems to have been attempted already,’ said the Other.
‘Oh, I know; but I may never have the chance again. Besides, I’ve got a new fountain-pen. I don’t pretend to have gone on any very original lines; in writing about Peace the thing is to say what everybody else is saying, only to say it better. It begins with the usual ornithological emotion:
‘Vereeniginging is good, but why widgeon?’
‘Why not? Anything that winged westward would naturally begin with a w.’
‘Need it wing westward?’
‘The bird must go somewhere. You wouldn’t have it hang around and look foolish. Then I’ve brought in something about the heedless hartebeest galloping over the deserted veldt.’
‘Of course you know it’s practically extinct in those regions?’
‘I can’t help that, it gallops so nicely. I make it have all sorts of unexpected yearnings:
Of course you’ll say there would be no traffic worth bothering about on the bare and sun-scorched veldt, but there’s no other word that rhymes with maffick.’
‘Seraphic?’
Reginald considered. ‘It might do, but I’ve got a lot about angels later on. You must have angels in a Peace poem; I know dreadfully little about their habits.’
‘They can do unexpected things, like the hartebeest.’
‘Of course. Then I turn on London, the City of Dreadful Nocturnes, resonant with hymns of joy and thanksgiving:
Longfellow at his best wrote nothing like that.’
‘I agree with you.’
‘I wish you wouldn’t. I’ve a sweet temper, but I can’t stand being agreed with. And I’m so worried about the aasvogel.’
Reginald stared dismally at the biscuit-tin, which now presented an unattractive array of rejected cracknels.
‘I believe,’ he murmured, ‘if I could find a woman with an unsatisfied craving for cracknels, I should marry her.’