SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS [in conversation with the Editors]:
I was certainly not intending to be oblique in my speech, though I was fairly highly strung. I have looked up my own diaries. All I said was that Hacker needed to know, particularly because Sir Humphrey had particularly asked me to be discreet about the particulars of this particular matter. I reminded Hacker that he [Hacker] knew that Humphrey was very particular, particularly about what Hacker needed to know and what Humphrey needed Hacker to know, which he thought he didnt. Need Hacker to know, that is.
I should have thought that was perfectly clear.
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
It appeared that my Private Secretary was talking about Sir Humphreys radio broadcast. Was it boring?
Initially, yes, said Bernard. But then it livened p immensely as he became more and more indiscreet.
I could hardly believe my ears. Humphrey? Indiscreet? On the air?
Well, he thought the broadcast was over, so he was just chatting. Unofficially. But the tape was still running.
I began to have a sinking feeling in my stomach. And my heart was literally in my mouth. [If so, Hacker had a uniquely mobile anatomy Ed.] He fell for that old dodge?
Bernard nodded.
You always treat an open microphone as a live one. Doesnt he know that?
Bernard tried to defend him. I dont think hes done a lot of broadcasting, Minister.
It sounds as if hes done too much, I complained. Have you heard the tape?
A copy, yes.
What did he say?
Something about it being possible to halve unemployment tomorrow, only the government hasnt got the guts.
I was so horrified that I wasnt even angry. I just sat and stared.
Bernard tried to explain. He didnt know it was being recorded.
The hideous implications were racing through my head. If the BBC kept the original, which Bernard seemed to believe as theyd sent Humphrey a copy, it meant that the story would be all over the papers tomorrow. Yet Bernard didnt seem at all concerned. He simply remarked that Humphrey had not given much thought to the newspapers -- yet. He was more worried about the blackmail threat.
Blackmail threat? This was news to me.
There was an accompanying letter, saying the sender would be in touch shortly. They sent the cassette to Sir Humphrey -- which means they have kept the original reel-to-reel tape.
I had visions of private pirate copies all over Broadcasting House by tomorrow. Bernard! I said decisively, you must do something.
Actually, Prime Minister, Ive done it already.
I was not wholly surprised. He was so calm that Id known that he had it under control somehow.
I was at Oxford with the producer. When I rang the BBC he reminded me of this. I had not remembered him at all, but it appears that we had mutual friends and he had vivid memories of one of my speeches at the Union -- I spoke eloquently in favour of the status quo one night. Apparently he was the unobtrusive little chap who used to record the debates. Anyway, it transpires that he never had the slightest intention of releasing the tape. So I got him to give it to me.
Whereupon Bernard produced a spool of tape from his pocket.
Is that the original? Bernard nodded. There are no other copies? He nodded again. And does Humphrey know youve got it? Bernard shook his head. A slow smile of deep content spread across my face. And Bernards.
Shall I tell him? he asked innocently.
Why? I enquired.
I think Bernard was stepping carefully that hed like to know.
Im sure he would, I countered. But does he need to know?
Ah, replied Bernard. There was a gleam in his eye. He thought for a moment. Then he said -- and I know because I got him to repeat it -- "You mean somebody needs to know, but if you now know then Sir Humphrey doesnt need to know and you need to know Sir Humphrey doesnt know, and he doesnt need to know you know or that you know he doesnt need to know?
I stared at Bernard, marvelling at the uselessness of an education in logic. I couldnt have put it less clearly myself, I said.
Bernard asked me if Id like to hear the tape. Of course I was dying to -- but then I got a great idea. I think it deserves a wider audience, dont you? I think Humphrey should hear it too. Ask him to join us, would you, Bernard?
He didnt need to be asked twice. He hurried to the phone. Tell Sir Humphrey the Prime Minister wants him straight away!
He hung up and scurried out of the room gleefully to fetch the tape-recorder. On his return, as he threaded the tape from reel to reel, he reminded me that he had told me all this in confidence. It was unnecessary -- I always respect confidences.
By now he was grinning from ear to ear. I tried to arrange my face into a solemn expression and told Bernard that this was a very serious matter.
Yes Prime Minister, he said, the corners of his mouth twitching.
There was a knock. Humphreys head appeared round the door. You sent for me, Prime Minister?
Ah yes. Come in, Humphrey, come in. How did the broadcast go?
Hes not a bad liar. Very well. Very well.
Good, good, I murmured amiably. Do you remember what you said?
Sir Humphrey appeared to have only the vaguest recollections. Oh, nothing in particular, he drawled. I think I pointed out some of the difficulties in allocating responsibilities as between politicians and civil servants.
But were you discreet?
He cleared his throat. Why do you ask?
Were you or werent you?
A slight pause. Yes.
Yes you were or yes you werent?
Yes.
Humphrey!
He challenged me. Wouldnt you expect me to be discreet?
Yes, I would, I said.
There you are then, he retorted, neatly begging the question.
I see, I said. Then thats all right. And I treated him to one of my piercing stares.
He wriggled about in his chair, crossed his legs, uncrossed them, and cleared his throat again. Why do you ask, Prime Minister? His voice sounded higher-pitched than usual.
Because the BBC has just sent me a tape. He flinched. I showed him the tape-recorder, set up on the table near the door. He hadnt seen in when he came in.
He swallowed. A tape? What tape?
I pretended unconcern. Just a tape, Humphrey. Of you. I thought it might be fun for us to listen to your broadcast together. And I walked towards the tape-recorder.
No. He stood up. No. No.
I turned, as if surprised. Why not?
It it wasnt at all interesting.
I chuckled. Humphrey, you carry modesty and self-effacement too far. Not interesting? The Cabinet Secretary talking to the nation about government?
His eyes were shifty. Well, not very interesting.
You mean, I suggested, that you were too discreet?
He was silent. He knew I knew. And I knew he knew I knew. And Bernard knew I knew he knew I knew. [Hacker was spending too much time with Bernard Woolley Ed.] I switched on the tape.
I must say that even I was unprepared for the astounding remarks I heard. Sir Humphrey saying that no one tells the truth, that unemployment could be halved in a few weeks, talk of layabouts, moonlighting, and parasites.
I switched off the tape. And I stared at him in silence.
Never have I seen a more woebegone figure than the Secretary of the Cabinet and the Head of the Home Civil Service. He stared at me, unable -- apparently -- even to excuse himself. So I just waited. And finally he blurted out: Prime Minister, Im terribly sorry. I had no idea, they didnt tell me. You see, wed finished the broadcast and
I held up my hand for silence. Humphrey! The irresponsibility! Is there any more?
No, said Humphrey.
Yes, said Bernard.
I said, Wed better hear it.
No, said Humphrey.
Bernard restarted the tape. Frankly, said Humphreys cheerful, complacent voice, this country can have as much unemployment as its prepared to pay for in social security. And no politicians have the guts to do anything about it.