Again he studiously ignored her. Examinations arent everything, Prime Minister.
Dorothy stood up, moved around the Cabinet table and sat down very close to me so that Humphrey could no longer avoid meeting her eyes. That is true, Humphrey -- and those parents who dont want an academic education for their children could choose progressive schools.
I could see that, as far as Humphrey was concerned, Dorothy and I were talking ancient Chinese. He simply didnt understand us. Again he tried to explain his position, and he was becoming quite emotional. Parents are not qualified to make these choices. Teachers are the professionals. In fact parents are the worst people to bring up children, they have no qualifications for it. We dont allow untrained teachers to teach. The same would apply to parents in an ideal world.
I realised with stunning clarity, and for the very first time, how far Humphreys dream of an ideal world differed from mine. You mean, I asked slowly and quietly, parents should be stopped from having kids until theyve been trained?
He sighed impatiently. Apparently Id missed the point. No, no. Having kids isnt the problem. Theyve all been trained to have kids, sex education classes have been standard for years now.
I see, I said, and turned to Dorothy, who was wide-eyed in patent disbelief at our most senior Civil Servant and advocate of the Orwellian corporate state. Perhaps, I suggested, we can improve on the sex education classes? Before people have children we could give them exams. Written and practical. Or both, perhaps? Then we could issue breeding licences.
Humphrey wasnt a bit amused. He ticked me off. Theres no need to be facetious, Prime Minister. Im being serious. Its looking after children that parents are not qualified for. Thats why they have no idea how to choose schools for them. It couldnt work.
Dorothy leaned across in front of me, to catch his eye. Then how does the Health Service work? People choose their family doctor without having medical qualifications.
Ah, said Humphrey, playing for time. Yes, he said, flummoxed. Thats different, he concluded, as if hed actually said something.
Why? asked Dorothy.
Well, doctors are I mean, patients arent parents.
Really? Dorothy was laughing openly at him. What gives you that idea?
He was beginning to get extremely ratty. I mean, not as such. Anyway, as a matter of fact I think that letting people choose doctors is a very bad idea. Very messy. Much tidier to allocate people to GPs. Much fairer. We could even cut the numbers in each doctors practice, and everyone would stand an equal chance of getting the bad doctors.
I was quietly amazed at Humphreys -- and the Civil Services -- concept of fair.
Humphrey was now in full flow, passionate, emotional, scathing, committed like I have never seen. But were not discussing the Health Service, Prime Minister, were discussing education. And with respect, Prime Minister, I think you should know that the DES will react with some caution to this rather novel proposal.
This was the language of war! Humphrey had all guns blazing. Ive never heard such abusive language from him.
I stayed calm. So you think theyll block it?
I mean, he said, tight-lipped and angry, that they will give it the most serious and urgent consideration, but will insist on a thorough and rigorous examination of all the proposals, allied to a detailed feasibility study and budget analysis before producing a consultative document for consideration by all interested bodies and seeking comments and recommendations to be incorporated in a brief for a series of working parties who will produce individual studies that will form the background for a more wide-ranging document considering whether or not the proposal should be taken forward to the next step.
He meant theyd block it! But it will be no problem. No problem at all. Because, as I told him, I have a solution to that. So Ill abolish the DES! I mentioned casually.
He thought hed mis-heard. Im sorry?
Well abolish it, I repeated obligingly.
Abolish it? He couldnt grasp the meaning of the words.
Why not? Dorothy wanted to see if there were any reason.
Why not? he said, his voice rising to the pitch of a Basil Fawlty at the end of his tether. Abolish Education and Science? It would be the end of civilisation as we know it.
I shook my head at him. He was quite hysterical. No, wed only be abolishing the Department. Education and science will flourish.
Without a government department? He was staring at us in horror, as though we were certifiably insane. Impossible!
Dorothy seemed almost sorry for him. She tried to explain. Humphrey, government departments are tombstones. The Department of Industry marks the grave of industry. The Department of Employment marks the grave of employment. The Department of the Environment marks the grave of the environment. And the Department of Education marks where the corpse of British education is buried.
He was staring the Goths and the Vandals in the face. He had no reply. So I asked him why we need the DES. What does it do? Whats its role?
He tried to calm down and explain. I I hardly know where to begin, he began. It lays down guidelines, it centralises and channels money to the Local Education Authorities and the University Grants Committee. It sets standards.
I asked him a string of questions. Does it lay down the curriculum?
No, but
Does it select and change Head Teachers?
No, but
Does it maintain school buildings?
No, but
Does it set and mark exams?
No, but
Does it select the children?
No, but
Then how, I wanted to know, does the Secretary of State affect how my child does at her school?
To Humphrey the answer was obvious. He supplies sixty percent of the cash!
So thats it. We were right. Dorothy pursued the cross-examination. Why cant the cash go straight from the Treasury to the schools? And straight to the University Grants Committee? Do we really need 2000 civil servants simply to funnel money from A to B?
Almost in despair, he shook his head and cried: The DES also creates a legislative framework for education.
What did he mean? Theres hardly any legislation at all. What there is, the Department of the Environment could do -- Environment deals with other local government matters.
Humphrey was fighting a desperate rearguard action. Prime Minister, you cant be serious. Who would assess forward planning and staffing variations, variations in pupil population, the density of schooling required in urban and rural areas Who would make sure everything ran properly?
It doesnt run properly now, I pointed out. Lets see if we can do better without the bureaucracy.
But who would plan for the future?
I laughed. But I didnt just laugh, I laughed uproariously. Laughter overwhelmed me, for the first time since Id been Prime Minister. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. Do you mean, I finally gasped, breathless, weeping with laughter, that education in Britain today is what the Department of Education planned?
Yes, of course, said Humphrey, and then went immediately and without hesitation straight into reverse. No, certainly not.
Dorothy was getting bored with the meeting. She stood up. Two thousand five hundred private schools seem to solve these planning problems every day, she commented curtly. They just respond to changing circumstances, supply and demand. Easy.
I wanted to give Humphrey one last chance. Is there anything else the DES does?
His eyes whizzed back and forth, as he thought furiously. Um er um.
I stood up. Fine, I said. Thats it. We dont need it, do we? Quod erat demonstrandum.
[In her book The Prime Ministers Ear , Dorothy Wainwright made an interesting attempt to explain Sir Humphrey Applebys complex attitude to state education. Her book is now out of print but we reprint a short extract below Ed.]