[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
December 19th
A sad day. My greatest, most fundamental reform had to be abandoned. Its not that the DES is the most significant Department in Whitehall -- but to me it had come to represent bureaucracy in its purest, least diluted form -- a totally unnecessary Department, one that was not merely irrelevant but which was by its very existence an impediment to reform.
The meeting started well enough. Only one item on the agenda -- abolition of the DES, I began cheerfully.
I noticed Humphrey was in much better spirits than I had expected. If its only one item, its an agend um, he corrected me arrogantly as he sat down across the table from me.
Bernard leapt to my defence. I dont think the Prime Minister got as far as the second declension, he said. At least, I think he was leaping to my defence.
In any case, I felt extremely tolerant, even benign. I dont mind you scoring cheap debating points, Humphrey, I said, since youve lost the battle of the DES. Pride goeth before a fall!
The DES will be very upset, Prime Minister, replied Humphrey, who was worryingly relaxed, I noted.
Does it matter, I asked, since theyll have ceased to exist?
Humphrey gave me every chance to back out and save face. But he withheld the crucial point of information that had come his way. I knew he was hiding some ace up his sleeve -- but I didnt know it was the ace of trumps.
Meanwhile, we sparred. He told me that the process of abolishing the DES would take a year or two, and meanwhile theyd fight tooth and nail.
I asked what they could do to me. He was enigmatic, confining himself to veiled threats, such as They are a formidable Department.
Im a formidable Prime Minister, I retorted.
Oh indeed, agreed my Cabinet Secretary, but you might still need their co-operation.
Actually, that idea struck me as intrinsically funny. The idea of the DES co-operating with the Government? Absurd. But as I sat there laughing, the axe fell!
Fine, said Humphrey. If you dont want their co-operation Ill tell them to go ahead with the prosecution.
At first I thought Id misheard. Prosecution? What prosecution? I didnt know what he could mean. I looked at Bernard. Bernard stared intently at his shoelaces. I had no choice but to ask Humphrey what he was talking about?
He smiled again, so I knew I was in deep trouble. Well, its hardly worth bothering you with, but that enterprise school where you were televised this week He paused, elegantly, to make me suffer.
Yes? I said.
An example of whats best in education, he quoted me saying.
Yes? I repeated, my heart in my mouth.
A model for other schools to follow. I began to think he was going to re-enact my entire speech.
Go on! I snapped.
Well its just that its profits were apparently the proceeds of theft.
I didnt know what he meant. What do you mean, theft?
I mean, he explained patiently, removing goods without the knowledge or consent of the owner, with the intent of permanently depriving him of possession.
Yes, Humphrey. I was getting pretty tight-lipped. I know what theft means. But what do you mean?
Well, it all boiled down to this: the stool that they gave me in that presentation was made from stolen wood. It was nicked from the local YTS workshop by two of last years pupils. A pair of knickers, as Bernard said, trying unsuccessfully to lighten the atmosphere.
The YTS want to prosecute. And the Department of Education can stop them -- by returning the wood and hushing the whole thing up.
Humphrey said that the DES took a different view. Surprise, surprise!
I tried to tough it out. I said that the DES must obviously return the wood and forget the whole thing. It is their duty, I argued -- otherwise Ill look ridiculous, having told millions of voters on TV that the school is an example to Britain.
It is a sort of example, conceded Humphrey maliciously.
But its not typical of enterprise schools, I insisted.
He smiled a benevolent smile. It was enterprising.
They mustnt prosecute! I commanded him, cutting the crap.
He looked surprised. Is that your instruction? I nodded. He took a sharp intake of breath. Well, I hope that the Department of Education doesnt leak the fact that youre covering up for thieves.
Blackmail, if ever I heard it. I changed my position immediately. You misunderstood, Humphrey, I said grandly. Its not my instruction. Just tell them not to prosecute.
Ah, said Humphrey thoughtfully. That would need their co-operation.
Checkmate. Game, set and match. Snookered. I could just imagine the headlines: PRIME MINISTER OF CRIME! Or JIMS ENTERPRISING PUPILS.
It was my turn to beg. Humphrey, I said, you must persuade them to stop it.
He was implacable. Its rather difficult, he drawled, to persuade people to co-operate when theyre under a death sentence.
I had no choice but to lie. Death sentence? I queried, in a surprised voice.
I thought you were about to abolish the Department.
Abolish it? I said. Oh, that! And I laughed as convincingly as I could. No, no, Humphrey, that was just a vague idea. I wasnt really serious. Cant you tell when Im joking?
Youre sure?
Im sure I was joking.
I left myself a loophole. But Humphrey spotted it instantly. And youre sure youre not going to abolish the DES?
Yes.
I have your assurance, Prime Minister?
I took a deep breath. Yes, I said quietly. My plans were turning to dust. Like all my plans. Suddenly I saw, with a real clarity that Id never enjoyed before, that although I might win the occasional policy victory, or make some reforms, or be indulged with a few scraps from the table, nothing fundamental was ever ever going to change.
Humphrey was now in the best of humour. I heard his voice, as if in the distance. Prime Minister? Prime Minister? Are you all right?
I focused on him. Yes.
Excellent. Then shall we continue with the agendum?
Agendum? I smiled. All the fight had gone out of me. No, Humphrey, we have no agendum any more. Meeting declared closed. All right?
Yes Prime Minister. He smiled at me with sympathy. He could see that at last I understood.