It is hard to describe the sense of relief that swept around the frozen room as Hacker finished his speech. We sipped our drinks and Sir Humphrey replied briefly and elegantly thanking everyone for their hard work over the past years. He remarked that such an occasion engenders a certain emotional ambiguity and personal ambivalence, because though honoured by the cause of his departure he was saddened by the fact of it.
He added that he was particularly sad to leave the service of a Minister without parallel in his experience. Perhaps it was this remark that Hacker mistook for a compliment.
We all agreed that an absolutely unique partnership had come to an end.
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
I sent our detectives home early, before the party. They shouldnt have gone off duty, but I insisted. Season of goodwill and all that. So they werent on hand when the police stopped me. I dont know why they did. I was driving perfectly safely. I was going slowly and carefully home to the constituency. I do dimly remember being overtaken by a middle-aged lady on a bicycle, which may suggest that I was overdoing the safety bit, but that is hardly a reason to accuse me of drunken driving. I mean, theres nothing wrong -- I mean morally, of course, not legally -- with being drunk. The danger comes if youre dangerous with it, which I never am.
Anyway, a couple of bobbies appeared from nowhere in a panda car, but when I mentioned that I had a Silver Badge there was no more trouble. I dont think Annies much of a driver, but in the circumstances I had to let her drive the rest of the way home.
[Our researches have not revealed the notebooks of the policemen who stopped Hacker that night. But we were fortunate enough to find, in the Home Office files, a letter from the Commissioner of Police in which their report was quoted. We reproduce it below Ed.]
New Scotland Yard
Broadway, London SW1H 0BG
Permanent Secretary
Home Office
Whitehall
London SW1
19 December
Dear Richard,
We regret to inform you that the Rt. Hon. James Hacker, MP, Minister for Administrative Affairs, was stopped while driving home on Friday night. He was driving at approximately nine miles an hour, and his breath smelled strongly of alcohol. Since he immediately produced his Silver badge my two officers did not breathalyse him, a serious error which I can only put down to inexperience.
They reported that when they approached Mr. Hacker he began the conversation with the words Good evening, Cinstable, Happy Chrostmas. When asked why he was driving so slowly he replied, I didnt want the kerb to hit me. Mrs. Hacker, who had apparently not been drinking, offered to drive the rest of the way home.
I would be obliged if you would make the Minister aware of the seriousness of this matter and warn him that, in the event of a further breach of the law, his Silver Badge will afford him no protection. For my part, I shall be disciplining the detectives responsible for his protection, and ensuring that in future they understand that their job includes protecting politicians from themselves.
Yours sincerely,
[illegible]
December 20th
Imagine my surprise when after the next Cabinet meeting -- Humphreys first as Cabinet Secretary -- he buttonholed me as we were leaving the Cabinet Room and asked me if Id pop over to his office and have a word with him.
I congratulated him on the conduct of his first Cabinet meeting and asked him how it felt, sitting there at the PMs right hand.
He ignored my question, asked me to take a pew and, absolutely without any warning and not even pausing to offer me a drink, told me that he wanted to have a word about a traffic incident.
Well, a nod is as good as a wink. I realised at once that it must be my little incident to which he was referring.
Ive had a report from the Home Office. Of course, its entirely your affair
I interrupted him firmly. Precisely, I said.
But, he continued, the Home Office takes a very grave view. They feel that Ministers should set an example. Theres a lot of damage to police morale if people get away with things just because they happen to hold an office of trust, however temporarily.
The threat in the last two words was unmistakeable. I could hardly believe my ears. Two days as Cabinet Secretary and he was really getting rather uppity.
Humphrey, I asked with some incredulity, are you trying to tell me off or something?
He backtracked immediately. Minister! Far be it from me. I am only the servant of the members of the Cabinet. A humble functionary. But I have been asked to reassure the Home Office that it will not occur again.
I knew I was untouchable. What do they give us Silver Badges for then? I enquired loftily.
To get police co-operation, to let us pass through police cordons and security barriers and so forth. Not to protect drunks who drive cars.
I rose above it. Humphrey, I am not going to be lectured by functionaries, not even those as humble as your good self. I am a Minister of the Crown.
Of course, Minister, he replied pleasantly. I will inform the Crown of the incident, if that is your wish.
That was not my wish, as he perfectly well knew. I started to explain that I was speaking purely technically when I said I was a Minister of the Crown, but he interrupted me to add that his proper course was actually to inform the Prime Minister. At which point I decided that, thinking it over, he could feel free to tell the Home Office that Id taken the point.
He thanked me politely. I asked if the Home Secretary knew. It would obviously be rather humiliating if the rebuke had been authorised by one of my colleagues.
Humphrey said no. This came straight from the Permanent Secretary of the Home Office.
I was relieved. So theres no need for the Home Secretary to be I mean, one doesnt want ones colleagues (I nearly said enemies) to know?
Humphrey guessed what I meant. After all, my views on Ray have not exactly been a closely guarded secret. I think the Home Secretary is not in a position to take advantage.
I wondered why not. I suddenly realised that Ray hadnt been at Cabinet. Then Humphrey showed me the headline in the Standard.
The London Standard
Home Secretary Charged With Drunken Driving, by Peter Kingsley
In an astonishing turn of events, the Home Secretary was today charged with driving a
The long and the short of it is that the Home Secretary, having personally initiated the Dont Drink and Drive At Christmas campaign, and having ordered a get-tough policy from the police, was picked up pissed in his car in his own constituency.
How had he got into such a situation? I asked Humphrey why his security man hadnt been with him.
Apparently, replied Sir Humphrey pointedly, hed given him the slip. You know how cunning these drunks can be.
It transpired that the Home Secretary had been rather less lucky than me. Hed collided with a lorry that was fully of nuclear waste. Then, as if that wasnt unlucky enough, he rebounded off the lorry and smashed into a car which was being driven by the editor of the local newspaper. Fat chance of hushing that up. So naturally it leaked out. [The story, not the nuclear waste Ed.]
That was the end of Ray. By the end of the day he would be out of office.
I looked at Humphrey. Whatll happen to him?
I gather, he replied disdainfully, that he was as drunk as a lord -- so after a discreet interval theyll probably make him one.