You can say, I said. And youd better say -- or else! I want it traced. At once. It must have been somebody at the meeting -- I want to know who.
Humphrey nodded. Ill set up a leak enquiry straight away.
I lost my temper. I dont want a bloody leak enquiry! I shouted. Didnt you hear me? I want to know who did it!
[Hackers anger at Humphreys suggestion was caused by his knowledge that leak enquiries are merely for setting up, not for actually conducting. The purpose of a leak enquiry is to find no evidence. If you really want to find the cause of a leak you call in the Special Branch. Those appointed to a leak enquiry seldom meet, and only report if it is absolutely unavoidable Ed.]
Prime Minister, said Humphrey gently, apparently in an effort to calm me down, when there is a leak, normally one doesnt really want to find out who is responsible, just in case it turns out to have been one of your Cabinet colleagues.
For once I wasnt worried about that. The Solicitor-General and I were the only ministers left there by then. It cant have been him, he had nothing to gain, and anyway law officers never leak. And I know it wasnt me. Therefore it must have been one of the officials. I told Humphrey, there and then, that we would take this right through to the Courts.
Malcolm interrupted. Im sorry, Prime Minister, but I really have to have a statement for the press. Theyre all waiting. And there are four requests for TV interviews and eleven for radio.
Bloody marvellous! I was decidedly bitter. All last week I wanted to go on the air and talk about my successes in achieving dtente with the Soviets, and they didnt want to know. Now this happens and they charge in like a herd of vultures.
Not heard, Prime Minister, said Bernard inexplicably.
I told him Id speak louder. Then I realised Id misunderstood. Herd, he said, not heard. Vultures, I mean, they dont herd, they flock. And they dont charge, they
Yes? They what? I turned to him, absolutely furious, and waited. More silence. Well, what do they do, Bernard?
He could see that he was dicing with death. They he faltered. And he flapped his arms a bit. Nothing, he said, and returned to staring at his shoes again. I have had enough of Bernards pedantry!
I turned back to Malcolm. Dont the press believe in Britain? I asked rhetorically. Why must they always go trouble-seeking and muck-raking? Why cant they write about our successes?
Malcolm chewed his lower lip. Like ?
I stopped to think. Like like like my dtente with the Russians, I suggested with relief, thinking of it in the nick of time.
Malcolm considered this idea. Well, there are more friendly voices coming from the Kremlin but it hasnt actually led to anything concrete though, has it?
Its going to, I explained. People are so picky!
Malcolm glanced at his watch. Im sorry, Prime Minister, but I do have to tell them something about this allegation.
He was right. We had to say something. I told him to talk to them off the record, attribute his remarks to sources close to the Prime Minister, and be sure to say nothing attributable.
He waited, pencil poised.
I began: Say that what he says about me is a complete pack of lies.
Bernard interrupted, worried. Um, do you mean, um Prime Minister, about, well, about running for cover and all that sort of thing? He went pink.
Yes, I said. What was his problem?
Um Bernard persisted, the only problem is, it is the authors opinion. We cant call him a liar for expressing his opinion.
I didnt see why not, but generously I modified my instructions to Malcolm. Well, say its a pack of lies that I spoke in favour of Sellafield in Cabinet but against it in public.
Um ! Bernard appeared to have another problem. I narrowed my eyes at him. Well, the only thing is, it is sort of true, isnt it?
Shut up, Bernard! I explained.
He wouldnt. How do we say its a pack of lies? he asked with determination.
Malcolm knew. He was already writing it down in the appropriate language. The Prime Ministers recollection of events is significantly at variance with his predecessors.
Bernard relaxed. Oh, I see, he said, crossed his legs and sat back in his Chippendale armchair.
Then say, I told Malcolm, that the Cabinet minutes vindicate me completely, but unfortunately under the terms of the Thirty Year Rule they cant be disclosed for another twenty-eight years. Which makes his book deeply unfair as well as totally inaccurate.
Malcolm got all that. His shorthand is excellent. Its always a good idea to have an ex-journalist as Press Secretary -- poacher turned gamekeeper.
And what about the smears against you personally? he wanted to know.
Smear him, I replied promptly. Say the old fool is trying to rewrite history to try to make his premiership look less of a disaster. Imply hes gone ga-ga.
Malcolm chewed his pencil for a moment. Passage of time and separation from official records have perhaps clouded his memory?
Fine, as far as it goes. How about the ga-ga bit?
Malcolm smiled. Though no more than one would expect for a man of his age? he offered.
It seemed all right to me. Will that do? I asked them all.
Malcolm seemed to think so. Its okay for refuting whats in the chapter. But what about the story that you tried to prevent publication?
I could see no problem with that. Say thats a pack of lies too.
Malcolm was perfectly happy. A garbled account of a routine meeting. There was never any question of suppression.
I looked round the table. Humphrey and Bernard were raising no objections. I told Malcolm that I would give no interviews on the subject, and I allowed him to make it a direct quote: An insignificant matter of no national importance, typical of the medias trivialisation of politics.
Do I attribute that quote to you, Prime Minister?
Of course not! Sometimes I wonder if Malcolms all there. A close Cabinet colleague.
After Malcolm left we discussed the crisis, and I found that they viewed it far too lightly. My view is that its a disaster, but Humphrey thinks its not all that serious.
Not serious? I was incredulous. Telling the British people they cant trust the word of their own Prime Minister?
Humphrey was calm and confident. They wont believe that, he asserted. I was tempted to believe him when Bernard piped up.
They might, you know. He is so discouraging. Otherwise, logically, it would mean that they couldnt trust the word of their own ex-Prime Minister.
Humphrey thanked Bernard. [In other words, Sir Humphrey indicated to Bernard Woolley that he had said enough Ed.]
It seemed to me that there was a good chance that, given the choice between my word and my predecessors, the British public would believe me. They never trusted him, thats for sure. Thank goodness Ive been able to bring back a little bit of honesty into British political life. [Hackers capacity for self-deception was, as with most politicians, one of the essential ingredients of his success. Unless one takes the phrase a little bit of honesty at face value Ed.]
We had discussed our rebuttal of the Daily Post story for long enough. Now, I said, moving right along, about nailing that leak. [We have preserved Hackers mixed metaphors whenever possible, for the insight that they give us into the unusual mind of this great political leader. Bernard Woolley, however, was unable to ignore them Ed.]
Im sorry to be pedantic, Prime Minister, but if you nail a leak you make another leak.
I glared at him. He shut up again. I want the culprit. I was implacable.
Yes, Prime Minister, replied Humphrey, without argument.
And I want a conviction.