SOVIET AMBASSADORS CHAUFFEUR IS MAJOR-GENERAL IN KGB, declared Humphrey imaginatively. He was getting quite carried away.
I told them that the whole preposterous notion was completely out of the question. I have been working towards dtente for months. Its the only thing thats working for me at the moment.
They all seemed somewhat disappointed. I turned to my Private Secretary. What do you think, Bernard? I enquired ironically. You seem to be good at getting things into the papers.
He blushed. Well what about a royal event? he offered.
I couldnt think what he meant. Such as?
Well, an engagement pregnancy divorce?
You can arrange that? I asked.
He hadnt thought of that little snag. Oh. Well, no, I
Humphrey had had enough. I know, he said. What about PMS PRIVATE SECRETARY IN DOLE QUEUE?
[Five days elapsed, and the Leak Enquiry actually reported. The culprit was named. A press officer in the Department of Energy who had been present at the meeting with the Solicitor-General. The Enquiry had no difficulty in finding that he was the source of the leak because (a) there were so few suspects, (b) he owned up immediately. Bernard Woolley and Sir Humphrey Appleby received copies of the Leak Enquiry on the same day. Bernard must have telephoned Sir Humphrey for instructions or advice, because this letter was received from Sir Humphrey dated the day of the report. We reprint the full texts below Ed.]
70 Whitehall, London SW1A 2AS
from the Secretary of the Cabinet and Head of the Home Civil Service
August 20th
Dear Bernard,
Yes, I have read it. This is a potentially difficult situation, as there is no precedent for handling a leak enquiry that actually finds the culprit.
Although the victim is a mere press officer he will undoubtedly be labelled a Senior Civil Servant by the press, simply because he works in Whitehall.
I think we can save him, however.
H.A.
[A reply from Bernard Woolley Ed.]
10 Downing Street
From the Principal Private Secretary
August 20th
Dear Humphrey,
How can we save him? Theres no doubt he did it.
Bernard
[And a reply from Sir Humphrey Ed.]
70 Whitehall, London SW1A 2AS
from the Secretary of the Cabinet and Head of the Home Civil Service
August 20th
Dear Bernard,
There will be!
H.A.
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
August 21st
A difficult meeting this morning -- but with the help of my able and loyal staff I was able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
The Leak Enquiry reported yesterday. I read it last night. The Press Officer from the Department of energy did it. The evidence is irrefutable. And nobody denied it either.
So when we met this morning I asked for the immediate dismissal of the man, and for a prosecution under Section 2 of the Official Secrets Act.
Humphrey was cautious. I think not, Prime Minister.
I mocked him -- foolishly, it turned out. You think not? Because hes a Civil Servant, I suppose.
He was not amused. Certainly not, Prime Minister. Because it is not in your interest.
Not in my interest to punish people for undermining the whole fabric of government? I enquired icily.
Bernard said: Um, you cant undermine a fabric, Prime Minister, because fabric hangs down so if you go underneath you He tailed off abruptly as I stared him down.
Humphrey, anticipating my every whim, had already consulted the Attorney-General. The Attorney-Generals advice is that a prosecution will not succeed, because there are no real security implications.
I said that I didnt care if it succeeded or not. At least it will make an example of him, I added.
Humphrey continued, as if I had not spoken. He also advises that if we prosecute we must first undertake a similar Special Branch enquiry into the earlier leak of Chapter Five.
I didnt like the sound of that at all. Furthermore, I couldnt see why! The leak of Chapter Five was completely different! It was absolutely harmless!
Humphrey took a different view. The Attorney-General says that either both leaks were harmless, or neither. He gazed at me, wide-eyed, innocent. So shall I ask the Special Branch to work on the Chapter Five leak?
He knew perfectly well that only one person whod read Chapter Five stood to gain anything from leaking it -- and I was not about to have myself prosecuted under Section 2.
On second thoughts, Humphrey, I told him, I think the Attorney-General is right. Forget that prosecution. Just sack the Press Officer concerned.
Humphrey shook his head sadly. That could be difficult. There is some evidence that the Press Officer was not acting on his own initiative.
I hadnt noticed that bit. Meaning?
He was carrying out the wishes of his Secretary of State.
Appalled, I asked for a full explanation. According to Humphrey, the Press Officer had not leaked Chapter Eight out of hostility to me. The truth is that the Secretary of State for Energy was delighted at being described by the former Prime Minister as the ablest man in the Cabinet. He had mentioned to his Press Officer that, so far from suppressing the chapter, he would not mind seeing it in the press at once. Otherwise the public might never get a chance to read it, because of the attempt by Number Ten to censor it.
I asked Humphrey if he were sure of this.
He nodded. Im sure that this will be the Press Officers explanation when his case comes up for wrongful dismissal before the Industrial Tribunal. He will argue that he was following an implicit instruction, doing what his Secretary of State wanted done.
I was bitterly disappointed. The upshot is that we have found the leaker, and I can neither prosecute him nor sack him!
Humphrey obligingly offered an alternative. But not a very practical one. Im afraid, Prime Minister, that if you must sack somebody, the only candidate is the Energy Secretary. He is responsible for his Department.
But I cant, I wailed. I lost one Cabinet Minister last month. I cant sack another this month.
Quite. He agreed wholeheartedly. To lose one minister may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness. Furthermore, as the Energy Secretary didnt do the leaking and denies that he asked for it to be done, he might sue for wrongful dismissal as well!
I couldnt see how to save my neck. The press were clamouring for the result of the enquiry. Humphrey offered up a press release that Malcolm had drafted, but it was hopeless. Phrases like Communication breakdown misunderstanding acted in good faith will be dealt with by internal procedures
Its a whitewash, I complained. And not even a very effective whitewash.
More of a greywash, really, agreed Bernard.
Humphrey was not of the same opinion. Its no whitewash. It shares out the blame equally.
Thats the last thing I wanted. It would have made it seem as if I really did try to suppress Chapter Eight! [Which was true Ed.]
Humphrey thought for a moment. Perhaps he volunteered cautiously, perhaps we should let the story go out -- but smother it.
I saw instantly what he meant.
You mean ? I asked.
He nodded.
Silence filled the Cabinet Room. We could all see that there was no alternative. After some moments Humphrey put the plan into action.
Ive been meaning to tell you, Prime Minister -- there's some very worrying information on the Foreign Office files. About espionage in the Soviet Embassy and Trade Delegation.
No! I said in a horrified voice.
Im afraid so. Evidence against a lot of diplomats.
How many? I asked.
Seventy-six, he replied.
I wasnt surprised. You know, Humphrey, I think the time has come for firm action. After all, the security of the realm is at stake.
Precisely.
So it was done. Expel them, I ordered. And we dont want to keep this secret. Tell the press today, at the same time as we tell them the result of the leak enquiry.