The problem, Excellency, said Humphrey smoothly, somehow continuing to make the word Excellency sound like an insult, is that there are seventy-three Embassies in London. No doubt they would all want their own police. Most would carry machine-guns, given the opportunity. Her Majestys Government is not convinced that this would make London a safer place.
The irony went right over his head. But he seemed to accept the refusal with diplomatic good grace. My Government will be most disappointed. But now I can move on to a happier matter. Our President will be bringing a little present which he will be presenting to Her Majesty.
I forced a smile. How charming.
A little puppee, he explained unnecessarily. Why did he bother, he must have known that we knew? She comes from the litter of the very same Labrador that Her Majesty graciously presented to Monsieur le Prsident on her State visit to France.
I waited. I expressed no pleasure, no thanks. So he continued to the bitter end. Perhaps you will let us know the arrangements for the presentation?
I sighed. Your Excellency, I said patiently. It is of course more kind. A charming thought. But as you know it cannot be presented for six months. Our quarantine laws.
Of course he refused to understand. He told me it was absurd. He reminded me that the Queen presented the dog during her State visit.
I explained that we would be delighted for his President to do the same thing. But the laws the law.
Surely, enquired the Ambassador, his manner visibly cooling, your laws are only to exclude infected animals?
I concurred.
But you are not suggesting that the President of France would present the Queen of England with a diseased puppy?
No, of course not.
Then its settled.
No it is not settled. I was firm. I must ask you to suggest to the President that he find a different gift.
His Excellency informed me that this would be completely out of the question. Were it the President alone, perhaps He shrugged. But the Presidents wife, our First Lady, has her heart set on it. She is determined.
A neat move. It now appears that if I now say no, I will be insulting a lady. The first lady.
I told him that we would make every endeavour. But it may not be possible. [This is the firmest form of refusal known to the language of diplomacy Ed.]
The Ambassador rose to his feet. Prime Minister, I do not have to tell you the gravity of the affront my Government would feel if Her Majesty were to refuse a request to present a gift in exchange for the one the President accepted from her. I fear it would be interpreted as both a national and a personal insult. To the President and his wife.
Id had enough of this bullshit. I stood up too. Excellency, please ask the President not to bring that bitch with him.
Humphrey gasped. The Ambassador looked utterly stunned. And I suddenly realised the ambiguity of what Id said.
The puppy, I said hastily. I meant the puppy.
Tonight Annie and I had a quiet evening at home together, in the flat above the shop. [The top-floor flat in Number Ten Downing Street Ed.] We had to go over all her arrangements for the funeral. She wanted to know why we had to lay on so many visits for the wives. I explained that the Foreign Office likes it -- it keeps them out of the way. They cant be with their husbands, their husbands are busy.
Only at the funeral itself, said Annie.
I explained that shed missed the point of the whole funeraclass="underline" theyre coming for the politics. This is a working funeral. As a matter of fact, when we were all at that funeral in Norway a few months ago, the French, the Germans and I were all so busy negotiating EEC farm quotas in the hotel that we forgot to go to the Cathedral.
Annie thought that was very funny. Didnt they notice?
We got there before it was finished. We blamed security. You can blame security for almost anything nowadays.
In fact, this funeral will be a heaven-sent opportunity. Literally! Much better than a summit, because there are no prior expectations. The public dont expect their leaders to return from a funeral with test ban agreements or farm quota reductions. So we can actually have serious negotiations, whereas a summit is just a public relations circus in which the press never give the politicians a real chance. Journalism wants to find problems. Diplomacy wants to find solutions.
Annie wanted to know if anyone at all would be coming to the funeral to pay tribute to a friend. I laughed. If only his friends came we wouldnt even fill the vestry, let alone the Abbey. No, my illustrious predecessor has undoubtedly done more for the world by dying than he ever did in the whole of his life.
She asked if the service was agreed. Funny old Annie, shes a churchgoer, she cares about these things. I told her that thered be lots of music, which was all I knew about it.
Thats nice, she said.
Yes, I said. That way, we can have useful discussions when the organs playing. Unfortunately, we have to shut up for the lesson and the prayers.
Annie smiled. She was getting the point. What about the sermon?
Thats when our guests catch up on jet-lag, I explained.
Altogether, this funeral has come at exactly the right moment. Apart from the little local problem of squelching those damn memoirs, it will improve my standing in the polls to be seen with all the world leaders and theres lots of things to sort out between NATO and the Warsaw Pact. Also its a good opportunity to make more friends in the Third World.
Jim, asked Annie, theres something Ive never understood. If were the First World and the poor are the Third World, then whos the Second?
Good question, I said. Ive never heard anyone admit to being Second World. We think its the Soviet bloc, maybe they think its us -- but because no one ever raises the question its not a problem. Diplomacy, Annie!
Above all, the Middle East is looking ominous again. Im sure that, if I could only find the time, I could bring the various warring parties together in peace and harmony. But if we dont sort out some of these problems in the next three days, well have to hope that somebody else important dies within the next three months.
September 6th
A variety of suggestions for dealing with the dog crisis poured in from the Foreign Office and the Home Office today, each more foolish than the last.
[The first came from Sir Ernest Roach, Permanent Secretary at the Home Office, and is reproduced below Ed.]
Home Office
Queen Annes Gate
London SW1H 9AT
September 6th
Memorandum
From: The Permanent Secretary
To: Bernard Woolley
Dear Bernard,
We have two possible approaches to this problem under discussion:
1. We could pass an enabling Act of Parliament, enabling this particular dog to remain in the UK. An enabling Act can enable anything.
2. We could turn the whole of Buckingham Palace into a dog quarantine zone, thus fulfilling the letter if not the spirit of the law.
Please let me have the Prime Ministers reactions.
E.R.
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
The Home Offices first two proposals are completely cracked. An enabling Act can enable anything -- in this case it would enable me to lose the next election.
The dog quarantine zone idea leaves one fairly important question unanswered -- what would happen to the Queens other dogs?
The Foreign Office outdid the Home Office. Moments after Id sent Graham away with a flea in his ear, a memo arrived from King Charles Street. [The Foreign Office is situated at the corner of Whitehall and King Charles Street Ed.]
Foreign and Commonwealth Office
London SW1A 2AH
September 6th
Memorandum
From: The Permanent Secretary