I was surprised. Can you visit quarantined dogs?
Bernard didnt know either. If she cant, he replied, tired of the whole business, she can sort of wave as she drives down the M4.
The real question was what measures the French would feel free to take against us, after this alleged and manufactured rebuff. The likelihood was that they would go public over the story if we dont give in to them over the Channel Tunnel.
We were completely unprepared for what happened next. Sir Humphrey burst into the room unceremoniously.
Prime Minister! He was quite breathless. I have urgent news.
Good news? Hope springs eternal.
Yes and no. He was cautious. The police have just found a bomb in the grounds of the French Embassy.
I was horrified. Who put it there?
We dont know yet. Lots of people could have a motive.
Us, for a start! said Bernard.
Still, I said, trying to look on the bright side, its a good job we found it. I suppose. That must have been the good part of Humphreys news.
Humphrey had more to say. The other news is even worse. The French President isnt flying in for the funeral.
I couldnt see why that mattered. In fact, it sounded like good news to me. It still sounded like good news (not quite as good, but nearly) when Humphrey said that the President was still coming, but by car -- secretly. The plane is a security decoy, a blind.
That sounds like a good idea, I said. But I didnt see why it mattered.
Its a brilliant idea! said Humphrey, tight-lipped with anger. He can bring the bloody puppy in the car!
Humphrey was right. Was there nothing we could do? Are you prepared, Prime Minister, to give instructions for the French Presidents car to be stopped and searched as he comes here as your invited guest to the funeral? I had been completely outmanoeuvred. Are you prepared to violate their diplomatic immunity and search the diplomatic bag?
I was confused. You cant put a puppy in a bag.
It would be a doggy bag, said Bernard.
Suppose we did search, and found it? I was considering my options. That would really set the cat among the pigeons.
And let the dog out of the bag, said Bernard.
But what would be even worse suppose we were wrong? explained Humphrey. Just suppose it wasnt there.
He was right. I couldnt take the risk. Violating their diplomatic immunity wrongfully? It would be a catastrophe.
But, said Humphrey, ever the Devils Advocate, if it is in the car they will drive it into the French Embassy, and the puppy will e on French territory. Here in the middle of London.
Hanging over our heads, I observed gloomily.
Wed better pray its house-trained, said Bernard.
SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS [in conversation with the Editors]:
That evening we held a diplomatic reception at Number Ten. The evening was full of humour, mostly unintentional.
My role was, of course, to make the Prime Ministers guests welcome. Especially the French. I remember introducing Mrs Hacker to a Monsieur Berenger from UNESCO [United Nations Economic, Social and Cultural Organisation]. He was having a frightfully good time, and informed us both that he thought it was an excellent funeral. The last one hed been to was Andropovs [former head of the KGB, then General Secretary of the Communist Party and President of the USSR, then dead Ed.], which had been awfully gloomy.
I also had the pleasure of introducing him to the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police. I explained that Monsieur Berenger was in London as the diplomatic representative of UNESCO. Ah yes, said the bobby, pulling knowledgeably at his little white toothbrush moustache, gallant little country.
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
Star-studded reception at Number Ten -- and yours truly wiped the floor with the French. Although in all honesty I must admit that it was a sensational French own goal which brought about my victory.
Everyone was very jolly. No one was at all sad about tomorrows funeral. The American Vice-President came armed with a new Polish joke which hed got from Gromyko [the Soviet former Foreign Minister, at the time President of the USSR]. Youve heard the new Polish joke? Jaruzelski! And he laughed long and hard. [Jaruzelski was the puppet Prime Minister of Poland Ed.]
The Vice-President wanted an urgent word about the NATO bases in Germany. It wasnt possible at the party, so we made a deal to discuss them in the Abbey tomorrow. Then he disappeared into the crowd, hopefully searching for some non-aligned countries who would speak to him. [The definition of a non-aligned country is that it is non-aligned with the United States Ed.]
And the Russians were in great form. The Soviet Ambassador sat down next to Sir Humphrey on a Sheraton sofa in the White Drawing-room and reminisced with a gang of us about my predecessor. You know, the death of a past Prime Minister is a very sad occasion.
Very sad, very said, murmured Humphrey dutifully and sipped his white wine.
But he is no loss to Britain, continued the Russian. You know what his trouble was?
A leading question. I could think of plenty of answers but I waited for the Soviet viewpoint. He had plenty here the Ambassador pointed to his forehead and plenty here he put a hand on his heart. But nothing here!! he growled, and made a grab for Sir Humphreys private parts.
Humphrey squeaked, leapt to his feet and dropped his glass of Macon Villages, while the Russian Ambassador yelled with laughter. I laughed so much that I choked and had to leave the room. And the Russian Ambassador was right, by the way.
I didnt see Humphrey after that for quite a while. He was conspicuous by his absence. I thought he was either recovering his dignity or trying to sponge the wine off his trousers. Id been looking for him because I wanted the security of his knowledge and advice when I talked to the French President, a conversation that I did not relish and couldnt postpone much longer.
Then Bernard and the Police Commissioner, an unlikely pair, unobtrusively ushered me out of the party in the State rooms, across the panelled lobby and into my study for a private word. Humphrey was waiting there.
Whats all this? I asked.
The bomb in the French Embassy garden was planted by the French police, said the Commissioner.
At first I thought he was joking. But no!
It was to see if they could catch us out. To prove our security inefficient.
This was the best news Id heard for months. They showed me a file of evidence. A matching detonator was found in their hotel. They had confessed.
I was ecstatic. The French cops smuggling explosives into the UK gave me just the opportunity I needed. I told Humphrey to give me a couple of minutes alone with the President, and to interrupt as soon as I pressed the secret buzzer that I have in my desk for that very purpose. [To contrive apparently chance interruptions Ed.]
Well, they showed Monsieur le Prsident into my study. I apologised to him for dragging him out of the party for a few moments, and indicated that I wished to discuss the Tunnel. But he didnt want to discuss the Tunnel yet. First of all, may we clear up a silly misunderstanding? About this little puppy I shall be presenting as a return gift to Her Majesty tomorrow?
So they did smuggle it in! Monsieur le Prsident, I said, putting my foot down firmly, Im extremely sorry but there is no misunderstanding. I cannot ask the Queen to break the law.