The documentary had testimony from people who asked for the wildest things. One guy was happy with a lifetime season ticket to see his favorite soccer team. Granted. Another wanted to play the drums in Beck’s band. But Beck wouldn’t change his Christian drummer, he was too good. Yet a soul is like a caress, it’s never unwelcome. So, in order to not squander his wish, the devil granted him a job as a percussionist. The last case was that of Old Man Paulino, the prestigious composer of El Mono de Alambre (whoever can’t dance to that can just go fuck themselves), who traded his soul for a pair of leather boots from The Cowboy Bible.
At the end of the documentary, there were various fine-print clauses. But there was only one warning to those who might dare introduce themselves to the devil. The warning was not to do it while drunk. Contrary to popular song, Satan can’t stand drunks. Showing up intoxicated to meet him runs the risk of him putting you in charge of the municipal dog pound or making you a Green Party volunteer for some political cause.
If, as Santi Carrillo proposes, music journalism is just a bourgeois extravagance, then we can understand the reviews that followed The Cowgirl Bible’s first presentation, what we might call a comeback, with her new trio: The Midnight Angel of Oil for Cars:
The lewdness The Cowgirl Bible Parker deploys so directly reflects the nearly endless pubis she’s had available during almost the entire tour of England she’s just completed. It’s part of one of the rhythmic patterns that have become her trademark during that time. During the intro and the verse we can hear the drums, the blade, and the bass playing in unison through an upbeat 7/4. The emphatic gestures come before and after the beat in a way that’s totally innovative for heavy metal, especially when the band emphasizes the bass-drum pattern. At other times, it’s more conventional, as in the razor solo, which is nonetheless very effective. The Cowgirl Bible’s solo is like a high spiritual scream and evolves to a sonorous seduction, intensified by the use of the Octavia and its shameless adornments. It’s one of The Cowgirl Bible’s most inventive interludes, complete with phrases that she builds on as if she were talking to herself.
Portinarismos aside, and no longer the amateur who’d been invited to perform only at informal gatherings and cocktail parties, The Cowgirl Bible turned out to be a real virtuoso on the wah-wah pedal. As with Jesus’s life, a part of The Cowgirl Bible’s life runs perpendicular to this narrative, without our knowing her whereabouts. There’s a hole in the story. If indeed INRI went into seclusion in the desert to talk with YHWH, in an anti-apocryphal version of Vicente Fernández’s song, Hoy platiqué con mi gallo, The Cowgirl Bible Parker, on the B-side, also decided to seclude herself in the desert, according to certain non-canonical gospels, to make a deal with the State’s unholy lover, Satan. This happened between her visit to Crossroad and her triumphant comeback. It was about a three-year period. What was The Cowgirl Bible’s address during this time? Could it be true she was abducted by Egyptian extraterrestrial telenovela addicts? Was this foretold in Jaime Pausán’s prophecies? Remain in your seats. After the talk we’ll open up for questions.
Jesus fled to the desert so he wouldn’t be seduced by evil’s gourmet desserts: flan, egg custard, rice pudding, pastries, cookies, sodacerveza sodacerveza, gorditas, chicharrón picadillo gorditas in mole, lonches lonches lonches, and masks masks masks bring your masks we’ve got a Místico el Huracán Ramírez Damián 666 mask, send your boy send your gal we’ll give you three packs of caguama for six caramel apples, tamales tamales we have hot tamales, yes you heard right for just forty pesos we’re gonna let you have two pairs of socks four swim suits and a shawl today only and before eight p.m. c’mon up close, for your mother-in-law the plague spider fly cockroach bring your roach powder bring it bring it, a watermelon fat watermelon Chinese watermelon sweet five for ten pesos, red melon red melon red, a little something for the love of God ma’am I’m just trying to get enough for fare to Juárez I’m gonna cross the border to join up with my carnal who’s in Elay I’ll sweep your street wash your car mow your lawn in the name of the little virgin of Guadalupop even if it’s just a taco ma’am may God repay you with many children and may God keep you in his Holy Glory amen, etc.
The Cowgirl Bible didn’t have to go anywhere. She was already in the desert. So she went to meet the Boss of Bosses. Respected at every level. Old and wise: Satan.
This is how it happened:
But first, a problem that all systole narratives face: how to represent the devil. Is it true or false that he appears as a mantelpiece, or as the folkloric figure in the Mexican lottery? Chalupa y buenas. To try and solve the problem, we can humangenomemap it in three ways:
A Appealing to the common denominator. That is, like Ned Flanders;
B Like a culiche boxer before he steps into the ring. With Los Huracanes del Norte’s song, Lincoln negro, like an idiosyncratic headline;
C Refuting the theory that God is black, and sponsoring evil as such from November 2nd, 19**. A chocolate devil.
This would explain a whole shitload of stuff. First, that the dubbing of this equation would be double-spaced, that the devil would be well endowed, and, lastly, that The Cowgirl Bible would adopt blues and soul roots as her musical model, without giving up the best licks and tricks used by white blues and psychedelic axers. Satan told her: Jaimito Hendrics always played black material. With the following exceptions: Cream, a little Dylan, The Beatles, and The Troggs’ Wild Thing.
The Cowgirl Bible’s success, like gears on a car, rested on four foundational perspectives. First, second, third, and fourth: the historic appearances she made at the London bar Bag O’Nails before the stars of British razordom.*
That’s why, when The Cowgirl Bible returned to her homeland, PopSTock! of the drunken crazies, the audience got used to the syntax of her instrument as easily as an IMSS nurse learns to ignore patients. That’s how intoxicating The Cowgirl Bible’s sound became for the neo-public. Neglected compatriots who come to in the sanatorium, here’s your meal your bed your nurse, who hit you buddy. Rock it. Especially if it’s your first record. The polar bear robs robs robs me, gets a rating of ten from the untamable critics. The next step is to get billed as the warm-up act on a Coca-Cola sponsored tour. And from there it’s gravy.
That is, until the day the following warning popped up on The Cowgirl Bible’s computer:
BRONTOK.A [10]
— Hentikan kebobrokan di negeri ini —
1. Penjarakan Koruptor, Penyelundup, Tukang Suap & Bandar NARKOBA
(Send to NUSAKAMBANGAN)
2. Stop Free Sex, Aborsi & Prostitusi
(Go To HELL)
3. Stop pencemaran lingkungan, pembakaran hutan & perburuan liar
4. SAY NO TO DRUGS!!!
— KIAMAT SUDAH DEKAT —
Terinspirasi oleh:
Elang Brontok (Spizaetus Cirrhatus) yang hampir punah
[By HVM3l]
— JowoBot #VM Community —
!!! Akan Kubuat Mereka (VM lokal yg cengeng & bodoh) Terkapar!!!
OMG. Is that hot enough? The previous warning doesn’t mean what it means. Anita, sit next to Billy ain’t the same as sit on the billy. In fact, the warning said the devil needed The Cowgirl Bible’s soul. It was time. To pay up. If you should see that warning on your screen, be very very careful, it’s a sign you’re pretty much done for. It’d be best to seek refuge, just in case the Hacienda, Quinta, and Rancho all come down on you.