The SOCOs finally finished their work and also left the premises.
PC Cox remained for a few minutes more, and I tried not to break down totally in front of her because I so wanted her to go. Eventually she seemed to accept that I wasn’t going to do anything silly, as they say, and she actually did say that. She patted my arm in what I supposed was intended to be consolation. There could be no consolation. Not ever.
At long last she left.
I wished desperately that Robert was already with me. I do not know if anything or anyone could have brought me comfort at that moment, but I may not have felt quite so desolately alone if my husband had been by my side.
Strange, the circles your mind turns in at such times. I couldn’t help thinking that the entire entourage which had more or less taken over my home that dreadful day had seemed as relieved to be leaving me behind and getting on with their lives as I’d been to see them go.
It was only then that I allowed my tears to fall freely, and once they’d got properly going, they would not stop. I was still crying when Bella arrived.
She didn’t say anything at first. Just took me in her arms.
I found myself holding on to her. Clutching her. Even in the midst of my shock and my grief there was this flash of the old conservative me. You shouldn’t behave like this with strangers. But I couldn’t help myself.
She held me until I stopped crying. For another ten, or maybe even fifteen, minutes, I think.
Then she began to lead me upstairs. Speaking, certainly in terms of anything more than an occasional murmured word of attempted comfort, for probably the first time.
‘Look at your poor feet,’ she said. ‘You must tell me what happened.’
I just said I’d spilt some tea. I couldn’t go into the details.
She expressed concern, and told me she was going to run me a hot bath.
‘You mightn’t think you want one, but warm water is one of life’s great restorers—’
‘I’m not sure I can, my feet are quite badly burned,’ I interrupted.
‘We’ll keep them out of the water, don’t worry, I’ll help you,’ said Bella. ‘And let’s get you into a dressing gown first. I’m sure you have a lovely warm fluffy one somewhere? In this house, eh?’
I did. It was hanging behind the door of the master bedroom. I realized, even then, that she was treating me like a child. Telling me what to do. I didn’t mind. I gladly allowed her to do so. Anything as long as someone else was doing my thinking for me. I didn’t want to think at all, because all that filled my mind was the horror of what I had seen within the walls of my own home.
On the beach, on the very first day we met, Bella had told me she’d been a nurse before she’d married. Maybe that had something to do with the way she was. She had a professional air about her, and seemed to instinctively know the right thing to say, and when it was best not to speak at all.
I entered the bedroom which had always been something of a dream room to me. It was probably the first time ever that its pink and white prettiness and the magnificent Dartmoor views offered from both its windows failed to give me joy. Gazing sightlessly out into the moonlit night, I let my clothes fall to the floor, a lined linen jacket and smart black trousers also bought specially for school, and put on my dressing gown. Bella stepped out of the room while I undressed. Normally I was an obsessively private person, but I wouldn’t have cared a jot if she hadn’t done so.
She waited for me to join her on the landing. The door to the main family bathroom, the only one with a bath as well as a shower, stood ajar and I could see steam already wafting through the gap.
‘You’ve got good water pressure,’ Bella said. ‘Bath’s almost ready.’
Meekly I followed her into the bathroom. She’d found my favourite evening primrose bath oil. I breathed in the musky perfume of it as I undid the tie of my dressing gown.
She leaned over the bath, tested the temperature of the water with one hand, and turned off the taps.
‘Just about perfect,’ she murmured. And again she began to move away to give me privacy, heading towards the bathroom door.
I restrained her. ‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘Anyway, you have to stay. I need your help. Remember.’
The throbbing pain in my feet had certainly reminded me that getting into the bath was not going to be straightforward. However, displaying both strength and efficiency, Bella, a substantially built woman, helped me lower myself into the bubbling tub without too much trouble, and in such a way that I could keep my feet dry, propping them on the rim by the taps.
There was a chair by the window and a DAB radio stood on the window ledge. She sat on the chair and gestured towards the radio. ‘Some music?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I’d like that.’
She switched on the radio and the sounds of a Classic FM evening concert filled the room. She turned the volume down just a little.
I leaned back in the bath. The next thing I was aware of was the touch of Bella’s hand lightly on my shoulder. I jumped.
‘You’ve been asleep,’ she said. ‘The water’s getting cold.’
Indeed, the bath was now lukewarm and when I glanced at my hands and my legs I saw that my skin was wrinkled.
‘How long did I sleep for?’ I asked in surprise. I wouldn’t have thought it possible that I could have slept at all, indeed perhaps ever sleep again. Let alone fall asleep in the bath.
‘About forty-five minutes,’ she said, holding out a big white bath sheet. ‘I think you should get out now.’
With her help I stepped into the softness of the towel. It felt warm. And that was a welcome sensation, even in the state I was in. Or maybe particularly in the state I was in. I glanced at her enquiringly.
‘I warmed it on the Aga,’ she said.
‘It’s still alight then.’
‘Yes, I fed it some more wood.’
I nodded my thanks.
‘Don’t hurry,’ she instructed me. ‘And don’t get dressed. Just come downstairs in your dressing gown when you’re ready. I’ll try to find us some food.’
‘Oh, there’s plenty of food,’ I said. ‘I went to the supermarket on the way home from work. There’s chicken and fish, and several of Robbie’s favourite pizzas — they’re quick and easy...’
I stopped. Saying Robbie’s name hurt physically like I was being stabbed in the heart. The pain was just so much greater than the pain of my burns.
Tears threatened again. I so needed Robert. I would have expected him to have phoned again by now. But maybe he had whilst I was asleep. I asked Bella if there had been any calls. She said not. Then she asked me when I thought would be the latest he would get home.
‘Sometime in the morning, for certain,’ I said.
‘Good,’ she replied. ‘I’ll have to be off quite early for work, I’m afraid. I can’t really afford to risk my job by not turning up on a Friday. But I don’t want to leave you here on your own for long.’
‘I’m sure I won’t be,’ I said, with a confidence I didn’t entirely feel.
Why hadn’t Robert called? I couldn’t understand it.
I’d left my mobile, a BlackBerry, in the bedroom. I hurried to find it to double-check that I hadn’t missed him. I hadn’t. So I sent him another email.
‘I just want to talk to you, to hear your voice,’ I wrote.
But surely he would know that already, wouldn’t he?
Bella, who had not followed me into the bedroom, tapped on the door and sort of half leaned into the room.
‘Look, why don’t you have a bit of a lie-down on the bed,’ she said. ‘Close those eyes and maybe you’ll have another sleep. You never know. You think you couldn’t possibly but the body looks after itself at times like this. I’m sure Robert will phone you soon, and the ringing will wake you. Meanwhile I’ll put some food together and give you a call when it’s ready.’