“Lodda is an excellent cook,” remarked Ceralt quite casually, drawing the provender to him. “Should you wish to partake of any of it, you have merely to ask—in a proper manner.”
My eyes raised to him, for his voice had changed, and he nodded with a grin.
“Quite right,” said he, tasting of a meat which looked to be nilno. “You must ask politely to be allowed the food, else shall it be refused you. You must learn the manners of a proper wench, for now you be of the cities.”
Miserably, I turned my eyes from him, reflecting that my sins must indeed be great. Had I erred in believing that Mida had sent me from her Crystals? Had I been bidden instead to free them from the golden air, even though my life be forfeit? Such must indeed be so, for now I was captive to males in an accursed city, bereft of weapons, life sign, clan colors, and soon, perhaps, my dignity as well. Mida’s warrior had failed her, and now had the warrior been cast out of her shield, to die, ignobly, the final death. My soul had been found wanting, and soon it was to be no more.
“Here is her gruel,” said the female Lodda, appearing beside, me quite suddenly. She thrust a pot of the mixture before me, the sharpness of her actions an indication of her continuing anger. “I feel I must protest her undressed state,” said this female to Ceralt, who continued his meal unconcerned. “Her appearance is most improper, and I insist she be properly clothed if I am to instruct her!”
“She shall be clothed when such clothing is requested by her,” said Ceralt calmly, and he took a handful of temeer nuts. “Should she wish to leave the house, or remain when callers arrive, she shall be sure to request the clothing, else she shall be sent to her room. You are to begin with her when her meal is done, therefore I would have you prepare yourself.”
“I am already prepared,” said the female with a sniff, her head high. “She shall learn her lessons, as have others before her, have no fear of that.”
“We shall see,” said Ceralt as he had upon a previous occasion, his jaws busily working the temeer nuts. Long had it been since last I had tasted of temeer nuts, yet memory of their saltiness did not draw me from my misery to a wish for them. I wished only for my life sign and my freedom; neither was to be forthcoming.
The female Lodda departed once more, and Ceralt leaned forward to move the pot of gruel more closely to me. “Eat your gruel, Jalav,” said he, “for there are many things which you must learn this fey.”
“I wish none of it,” said I to him, moving the pot again from me. “I have already learned many things this fey, and as my soul is to be lost, it is best lost without such as that.”
“Your soul has not yet been lost,” grinned Ceralt, his leg upon the arm of his seat. “You may eat the gruel of your own free will, else I shall see the drug within you again, though this time you shall not be controlled by me. Lodda shall see to your feeding and punishment, and sharply shall her leather be applied. She is a teacher of ignorant young ladies, and has little patience for disobedience. Do you wish to be done so, and before others as well? Lodda has told me that for a punishment to be complete and proper, it must be administered before as many onlookers as possible. I believe she had the city’s center in mind....”
Ceralt was much amused, and he laughed softly, and I was without the will even to feel fury. My honor would be taken from me by such an act, and I would be unable to reclaim it even in death. To see my soul lost then would be proper, yet did I know full well that Ceralt would not allow my immediate death. I had sinned greatly, and now Mida had declared my punishment, for I had not freed her Crystals with my life. I took the pot of gruel, and raised it to my lips, for my life and actions no longer had meaning.
“Excellent, Jalav,” said Ceralt in approval, as I returned the emptied pot to the platform. “Go you now to your room, and Lodda shall be with you shortly.”
Silently I rose to my feet, left the room, and ascended the steps with a slow, uncaring tread. For a warrior’s life to no longer have meaning was a cold, empty thing, yet was my punishment well deserved. I had allowed fear to drive me from Mida’s Crystals, fear of a pain the like of which I had never experienced, fear of a darkness the like of which I had never before seen. Fear was not a thing to be felt by a warrior, yet I had felt it, and scurried before it. Deep was my failure to Mida’s will, and full, now, was my understanding of it. I was shamed, and empty, and ever would I remain so.
The room was as I had left it, and wearily did I seat myself before the fire, so that I might contemplate its flickering depths. My knees drawn up before me, I studied the dance of the flickering flames, an orange and blue and yellow salute, its arms reaching upward to Mida with joy. Not again would the arms of Jalav reach so, for Mida wished none of her forevermore. Empty was the life of Jalav, and empty, too, was her heart.
“What has been done here?” demanded the voice of Lodda. “Naught stands straight save the walls!” With angry step did the female enter, and walked directly to me. I kept my eyes with the fancy-free fire, and spoke to her not at all.
“Before all else shall this clutter be straightened!” came the female’s voice from above me. “You do not now dwell in the caves from whence you came! Perhaps there was your slovenliness tolerated, the filth and squalor your manner of living, yet here there are civilized folk, who shall have none of it! Up on your feet, girl, and I shall direct your efforts!”
The fire still drew me with the freedom of its movement, a freedom which was never again to be mine. How I longed for the woods and the Hosta home tents, the Tower of the Keeper, the laughter of the little ones in the care of the Attendants. How round had the eyes of the warriors-to-be grown, when the war leader had ridden into their view! How eager were they to be taught the ways of the Hosta, so that they, too, might one fey be war leader! Now all, all was gone, the Hosta mere captives, their war leader done. Not again could I hold my head with pride, for Mida had withdrawn from me.
“Do you hear me?” demanded the female with vigor. “On your feet this instant, else shall I teach you the meaning of disobedience!” I still had no wish to speak with her, for I knew not what she was about, nor cared, yet did she fail to await an answer. “Very well!” said she quite rapidly. “As it is punishment you wish, it is punishment you shall have!”
Though her footsteps withdrew, what she would fetch made little difference. Ceralt had given me to her so that I might, with his approval, receive pain. Were I to attempt to deny this pain, the drug would be given me again, to make me slave to her. Already was there pain that Ceralt would do so, yet I had not released him from the chains of Vistren. The thought of this was surely with him, though I had somehow not expected—Ah, Mida. Your warrior is indeed a fool.
Briskly did the female return, and pause once more behind me. My hair was thrown to my right shoulder, then stingingly was I struck across the back with some manner of stick. “There!” said the female with a great deal of satisfaction as I straightened slightly at the blow. “Do you now wish to obey, or will you have more?”
The blow, though painful, was hardly unbearable, and as it was the wish of Ceralt that I be beaten, the matter would be seen to sooner or later. Little need was there for the female’s pretense, and no need at all that I join her pretense. I therefore spoke not at all, and the blow was repeated, and repeated again, the pain that Ceralt wished for me coming quite freely. Without a sound did I accept the pain, so that I might be spared the shame of being made slave, and the female grunted with her effort. For many reckid did the blows come, and then was there again surcease.