The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag

'˜Well, dear?' asked Billy's mum.

'˜No,' said Billy. '˜I have important matters that must be dealt with.'

'˜More of this 'њbusiness elsewhere'ќ?'

'˜Just so.'

'˜But if you have 'њbusiness elsewhere'ќ, how come you're never elsewhere getting on with it?'

Billy tapped at his right temple with a skinny digit. '˜Elsewhere can be closer than you think,' he said.

Over tea, which being Tuesday they took in the cupboard underneath the stairs, Billy's mum asked, '˜What was that package that arrived for you this morning?'

'˜I don't know,' said Billy. '˜I haven't opened it yet.'

Billy and his mum never dined together on Tuesday evenings. Billy's mum always put on her best tweed suit and went out somewhere. Billy wasn't altogether certain where this somewhere was. But he suspected that it was the same somewhere that Andy the landlord of the Jolly Gardeners always went to.

Although he had no idea as to where this somewhere was, either.

But as Billy didn't care, it didn't matter.

Billy now sat all alone at the kitchen table and opened up his package. The brown paper fell away to reveal a bright plastic something of no obvious purpose and some sheets of printed paper.

Billy put the bright plastic something carefully aside and read from the top sheet of paper.

Surfing the web?
Anyone can do that! Why not
Try something really radical?
Access the dearly departed by body-boarding the
Necronet.

Never has it been more
Easy. All you have to do is
Enter the Soul
Database, by taking a left-hand turn off the
Information Superhighway and

You're there. In the Land
Of the Virtual Dead.
U know it makes sense.

Billy laid this sheet of paper aside and read from the next one.

Dear Mr Barnes.

We at NECROSOFT would like to make you an offer you will not wish to refuse. NECROSOFT is a rapidly expanding organization on the cutting edge of computer technology. Our goals are high, but our aim is true.

It is the intention of NECROSOFT to bring about a new world order. Not in the political sense, but by creating a situation where the individual can live In peace and harmony and happiness.

Our intention is to totally eradicate death within the next five years.

An impossible dream?

Not a bit of it.

Through the use of our advanced neural-network scanners we are now able to download the memory and personality of an individual into the NECRONET.

The NECRONET is a virtual world, computer-simulated, fully accessible and of boundless dimension. Nothing short of a heaven on earth, in fact. Those downloaded into it will become immortal, capable of being accessed by their children, grandchildren and so on endlessly.

An opportunity of a lifetime?

No, the opportunity of many lifetimes yet to come.

And all this could be yours.

For a small fee.

Billy screwed the paper into a ball and flung it onto the floor. One sheet remained and he idly perused it.

EARN BIG ££££

read this one:

Do you have an elderly or infirm person living with you? One whom you dearly love, and whose needs you minister to daily? How about sending them on the journey of a lifetime? With all expenses paid and a big cash bonus for you? Like the sound of it? Phone this number for further details:

Billy sat awhile and stared into space. His fingers found themselves toying around with the bright plastic something. It was warm to the touch and it gave at the edges. There was something pleasurable about it. Billy bounced the something gently on the table. He had been expecting this. This or something like it. A package in the post, an offer on the phone. The chance of a lifetime in one form or another. But he hadn't been expecting it today.

Which made it perfect, really.

Billy had taken no employment, although much had been offered him. He had waited patiently for The Opportunity to present itself. He had followed Hugo Rune's Law, that the greatest opportunity must present itself in the least most obvious way. And the least most obvious way of finding employment was to stay at home and avoid looking for it.

Billy smiled. There would be a job for him at Necrosoft. And a big cash bonus when he handed Granny over. Billy was perfectly capable of reading between the lines. Necrosoft were obviously looking for some old and infirm types, that no-one cared much about, to experiment with in order to perfect their neural-network scanning techniques. It was the way he would have gone about things if he'd been running the show.

˜And I soon will be running the show,' said Billy, picking up the telephone.

The Secret of Eastern Moguls

Swanky stretch-limos from faraway states
With Arabic symbols on gold licence plates,
Driven by sheikhs, you can see by their smiles
Own gardens the size of the whole British Isles,

And more fine women than our dog's had fleas,
And thousands of acres of valuable trees,
And Turkish Delight that they order by phone,
And barrels and barrels of Eau de Cologne.

I once met the son of a rich potentate,
Who taught me the way to fish peas from your plate.
When you've nothing at all but your fingers to eat '˜em,
I tried it myself and quiet frankly was beaten.

7

God must really love the working class, I mean, he made so many of them.

ANTON LAVEY

I awoke with a terrible pain in my head.

'˜How are you feeling, chief?' Barry asked.

'˜Like shit. What hit me?'

'˜Danny hit you, chief.'

'˜Danny?' I rubbed at my head and I looked all around me. I was lying in an alleyway. It was the real McCoy all right. Bar back door with a neon sign above, fire escape with retractable bottom section, lots of scrunched-up paper and cardboard cartons. I cocked an ear.

'˜He's gone for his lunch,' said Barry.

'˜Who has? Danny?'

'˜The saxophone player, chief. The one you were listening for. The solitary sax player who always sits at an open window playing mournfully to add that extra bit of atmosphere to an alleyway like this.'

'˜Fine, so where's-'

'˜I'm here,' said Danny, looming in my direction.

'˜Don't breathe on me,' I told him, '˜and don't loom so close.'

'˜Some thanks,' said Danny.

'˜For knocking me out?'

'˜For saving your life.'

'˜Are you kidding, or what?'

'˜He's not kidding, chief, listen to what he has to say.'

'˜I saved your life,' said Danny.

'˜Are you kidding, or what?'

'˜Put a sock in it, chief.'