The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag

Would you care to explain?'

'˜OK. Now I'm sure you'll accept that there is a science to detective work. 'њThe science of deduction'ќ, as Holmes once put it. Private detective work is mostly to do with finding something that is missing. Something or somebody. So let's say that you have to find something that's supposedly gone missing. Where is the first place you would look?'

The doctor shook his head.

'˜You'd look in the most obvious place, wouldn't you? But if it's missing, then it won't be there, will it?'

'˜I would assume not.'

'˜So then you look in the next most obvious place, and then the next and then the next and so on, until you find it. Because everything has to be somewhere and nothing can ever be anywhere other than where it is.'

'˜Go on.'

'˜Right. But in order that you don't involve yourself in an infinite amount of looking, the very best place to start looking would be in the least most obvious place.'

'˜That makes sense.'

'˜You'd think so. But if the least most obvious place is the most obvious place to start looking, then that makes it the most obvious place. So therefore it's not the least most obvious place any more, because now it's the most obvious place and there's no point in looking in the most obvious place for something that's gone missing, is there?'

Were you any good as a private detective?' the doctor asked.

'˜The very best. So, having eliminated the least most obvious place, because it's the most obvious place to start looking, what you must ask yourself is, where is the least most obvious least most obvious place? And ten cent gets you a dollar back on the bottle, that's exactly where it won't be.'

'˜So where will it be?'

'˜It will be in the original most obvious place, because that is the least most obvious of all least most obvious places it could possibly be.'

'˜But if it's in the original most obvious place, then surely it's not missing?'

Well, if it's not missing, why come bothering me about it in the first place?'

The doctor made a sort of coughing sound in his throat. '˜You were searching for a missing handbag, is that right?'

'˜A missing voodoo handbag, yes.'

'˜And did you find it?'

'˜I found a handbag, but it wasn't the one I was looking for.'

'˜Bad luck.'

'˜Not at all. It was the one I had been looking for on my previous case. And, as the least most obvious least most obvious way I was ever going to find that handbag was while looking for a different handbag, I wasn't the least bit surprised when I did find it. It was all so obvious, really.'

'˜But you didn't find the one you were looking for, the voodoo handbag?'

Well, how could I? You can't find something if it doesn't exist, can you?'

'˜So the voodoo handbag doesn't exist?'

'˜The case of the voodoo handbag disproved Rune's Law of Obviosity. I discovered that something could be somewhere other than where it is.'

'˜So the voodoo handbag does exist?'

'˜That's a matter of definition. How can a thing exist if it isn't where it is? Surely a thing has to be where it is in order to qualify for existence?'

'˜So the voodoo handbag doesn't exist.'

Well, if it doesn't exist, why come bothering me about it?'

The doctor made that coughing sound again. '˜Is there, or is there not, a voodoo handbag?' he asked.

'˜That's what I'd like to know. Because if there isn't, then I've been looking in all the wrong places. But if there is, then I've been looking in all the right places, but I can't find it. Frankly, I'm getting a little confused.'

'˜You searched for it on the Internet, didn't you? Why did you do that?'

'˜Because you can never find anything you actually want on the Internet. So that was the least obvious place to look, which made it the most obvious place for it to be.'

'˜But you didn't find it there.'

'˜No, I found something that I wasn't looking for. Obviously.'

'˜Obviously. So what did you find?'

'˜You know what I found, or what I believe I found. And I'm not talking about the other handbag. I'm talking about the other thing. The big thing. The thing that's got me banged up in here. The thing that no-one believes me about. That makes people think I'm mad - makes you think I'm mad.'

'˜I don't think you're mad.'

'˜Then let me out of this straitjacket.'

'˜All in good time. Just tell me calmly and in your own way exactly what it is you believe you found.'

'˜OK. Calmly and in my own way. You know what virtual reality is, don't you?'

'˜Of course. It's holographic imagery, generated by computers and accessed by portable headsets and handsets. A synthetic reality modelled by mathematics, creating a hypothetical world commonly referred to as cyberspace.'

'˜Very precise. But incorrect. There is nothing hypothetical about it. It's a real place, and I've been there.'

Again that coughing sound. '˜A real place, and you've been there?'

'˜For ten long years I was trapped there and it's not an unpopulated region. You see, we didn't invent cyberspace, we only gained access to it. It was there already. It's the same place we visit in our dreams, or when we do hallucinogenic drugs, or have a mystical experience. It's not a physical place, but it's real. It's the weird space, the mundus magicus. But a company called Necrosoft is messing with it. They're inflicting stuff on it. Messing with its natural laws. Same old game, mankind buggering up the eco-system.'

'˜And you worry about this?'

We'd all better worry about it. And we'd better do something about it, before it's too late. Before they do something about us.'

Who are they?'

'˜They, them. The folk who live on the other side of the mirror. I told you, it's not an unpopulated region. They don't like what we're doing, and if we don't stop it they'll stop us.'

'˜And they told you this, did they? They chose you to pass on this message to mankind?'

What?'

'˜Or perhaps it was Barry, your Holy Guardian Sprout, perhaps he told you all about it.'

'˜What?'

'˜Calmly now. Tell me about these folk The ones on the other side of the mirror. Who are they?'

'˜They're us. Or they're a reflection of us, or we're a reflection of them. Or a bit of both. But what does it matter, you don't believe a word I'm saying. And the only way I'm ever going to get out of here is if I stop believing it too.'

'˜And do you think you can stop believing it?'

'˜Sure. I've stopped. Look at me. I've stopped and I'm all better now, so can I go home, please?'

'˜Early days yet,' said the doctor.

'˜Early days? I've been here for months.'

'˜These things take time.'

'˜But we're running out of time. If I can't sort things out, then-'

'˜Then what?'

'˜Then'¦ er'¦ nothing. I just have some things to sort out at home. Plants to water, aunties to visit. Normal sane things.'

'˜I don't think you're being one hundred per cent truthful with me, are you?'

'˜Look, can't we be reasonable about this? Say I did believe everything I've just told you, which I don't, of course. But say I did. Where's the harm in it? The world is full of harmless loons with wacky ideas. You don't bang them all up in mental institutions, the streets would be empty if you did that.'

'˜You do have a point.' The doctor gave his chin a bit of a stroke. '˜Eccentricity is not in itself a criminal offence.'

'˜Of course it isn't. So, what do you say?' Well'¦'

'˜I'm harmless, aren't I?'

Well'¦'

'˜So I hear voices in my head. So did Joan of Arc.'

'˜Well'¦'

'˜And I'm a technophobe, I've got a thing about computers. So what?'

Well'¦'

'˜And I suffer from delusions that only I can save the world. That's no big deal, is it?'