'Possibly. But trust me, if you opened that cabinet and touched the voodoo handbag you'd die.'
'Incredible,' said Inspector Kirby. 'Absolutely incredible.'
'I suppose so.' Mrs Barnes shrugged noisily. 'But you get used to things, don't you? And you learn by your mistakes.'
'Indeed.'
The telephone began to ring.
'That might be your Billy,' said Inspector Kirby.
'No, that's not his ring.' Mrs Barnes forked up some quince and gobbled it down.
'Aren't you going to answer it?'
'It will stop ringing eventually, it always does.'
'It might be for me.'
'Oh, all right!' Mrs Barnes flung her fork aside, rose rowdily and stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
What a very loud woman,' said Inspector Kirby, pushing his plate aside. 'A voodoo handbag, eh?' His gaze wandered over to the cabinet on the mantelpiece. 'How very fascinating.'
He sat awhile and pondered. Great shouts came from the hall. Mrs Barnes was in heated discussion on the telephone, but with whom it wasn't clear.
'I might just have a little peep,' said the Inspector, quietly to himself. 'It couldn't do any harm, just a little peep.' He rose from the ottoman and glanced towards the hall door. More shouting. Inspector Kirby crept over to the mantelpiece.
Beside the cabinet lay a key. It was a brass key with a skull on it. A luggage label was attached to this key.
Inspector Kirby picked up the key and examined the label.
DO NOT USE THIS KEY TO UNLOCK RELIQUARY, he read. AWAKEN NOT THE ANGRY DEAD. Inspector Kirby whistled, then cocked an anxious ear. Further shouting came from the hall. Inspector Kirby dithered, but not a ditherer by persuasion he then thrust the key into the reliquary's key hole and turned it sharply to the left.
A click and the door swung ajar.
Inspector Kirby dithered anew. This was not a good idea. 'Why was he doing it? He was a policeman, he couldn't just go opening up people's private cabinets. Well, of course, actually, he could. That was one of the benefits of being a policeman, being able to pry into people's private belongings. But what about all that stuff about dying if you touched the handbag? Superstition surely? Voodoo wasn't real. It was the power of suggestion. Like an Aborigine pointing the bone at you. You didn't die if you didn't believe. Awaken not the angry dead, indeed!
A quick peep, then lock the cabinet up again. 'What harm could that possibly do?
Inspector Kirby swung open the door.
And then took a swift step backwards.
Something moved. Inside the cabinet. Something white. It had jerked as he opened the door, and now it was moving. Squirming.
Inspector Kirby gaped at it, fascinated.
It was a handbag. 'White, plaster cast or carved. But it was moving. There were skulls on it, many skulls. A large one in the middle, clearly human, but other smaller ones around and about that were anything but. And these were '¦ moving. They clicked their tiny jaw bones as if taking in the air. Yawning, breathing, and now snapping angrily.
Inspector Kirby didn't like the look of them one little bit. He stepped smartly forward to slam the door shut.
But as he did so he slipped upon the fireside rug and fell towards the grate. In a desperate attempt to save himself he snatched at the mantelpiece.
But missed.
And his right hand plunged into the cabinet.
Inspector Kirby awoke with a start to find Billy's mum smiling down at him.
'Don't try to move,' she said. 'You had a bit of an accident, but you're all right now.'
Inspector Kirby did try to move, but he couldn't.
'You lost a couple of fingers,' said Billy's mum. 'I've bandaged up the rest, so they should be OK for now.'
Inspector Kirby tried to speak. But he couldn't do that either.
'I've taped your jaw up,' said Billy's mum. 'Don't want you making any noise now, do we?'
Inspector Kirby strained and struggled but to no avail. Billy's mum stroked his forehead. 'Now don't go getting yourself all upset. I did warn you not to touch the handbag, didn't I? But you did touch it, so you only have yourself to blame. You see the handbag has to be fed every week and it was Billy's job to feed it. And Billy always fed it with bits of Granny. But Billy's taken Granny with him and the handbag's been getting really hungry. It needs fresh meat, you see. Fresh human meat.'
Inspector Kirby's eyes were starting from their sockets.
'It's lucky you happened by, really,' continued Billy's mum. 'And most fortuitous that the telephone rang. It was one of your superiors asking after you. I told them that you'd just left and I'd seen you getting into an old VW Camper van. So I don't think they'll come bothering us again.'
Inspector Kirby shook and shivered.
Billy's mum covered him up with an old dog blanket. 'I've put you inside this portmanteau,' she said, 'because Billy took Granny's suitcase, but you probably would have found it a bit cramped in there. There's air holes in the lid, so it's not cruel or anything. And I've taken the liberty of injecting you with a special drug from the Amazon. It slows down the metabolism so you'll only need feeding about once a week. So I can do that when I come for another finger. So that's perfect, isn't it?'
And so saying Mrs Barnes closed the lid of the portmanteau, locked it and pushed it under her bed.
And then she went down for her supper.
Lunchtime with the Piper
11
Accept anything. Then explain it your way.
CHARLES FORT
I walked into the Jolly Gardeners just as the piper was walking out. Which suited me fine, as I could never stand the bloke. Not that I have anything against the Scots you understand, after all I'm one myself, a direct descendant of William Wallace. But that piper really got up my nose. And anyway, I had some pretty heavy-duty thinking that needed to be done and where better to do it than here?
I was anonymous here. The folk in this sleepy rural hamlet knew nothing of my Lazlo Woodbine persona or my world-saving escapades. Here they knew me as Mr Rupert Tractor, a route planner for the local foxhunt.
Now, as it was a Friday lunchtime, the last person I expected to see serving behind the bar was the lead singer of the now legendary 1960s garage-psyche band The 13th Floor Elevators. So I was doubly surprised to see instead that it was Paul.