When I told my girlfriends they’d better start getting ready for a summer wedding, I got six volunteers straight away: Kelly, Ann, Jenna, Melina, Sara and Tiia. I chose Kelly, Sara and Melina to be my bridesmaids because they’re all uglier than me. The show got off to a great start, and I called Daddy in Brussels and he promised to give me ten grand towards the wedding budget, but that’s next to nothing. I called Grandad in Madeira, and he was so excited he agreed to give me twelve thousand, because he always wants to go one better than my dad. The rest of the cash came from my mum (though she moaned that she always has to foot the bill for everything), my godmother who is a make-up artist and loves weddings, and my aunt who gave me another five thousand because she thinks my mum—her sister—is stingy and boring as hell. That’s already forty grand in my wedding budget—woohoo!
I looked around online for a few weeks, checking out thousands of wedding planners, and eventually employed an American company to design and make all the little stuff, the napkins, the origami, the rosettes… Ten thousand went on trinkets for two hundred guests. Then there was the wedding dress. I checked out all of the bridal stores in the city, but everything looked just awful. So me and the girls did three trips to Stockholm before I finally found the right dress in a store in Paris. It was just as cheap as most of the dresses I’d found here, only five thousand. Of course, the shoes, the handbag, gloves, underwear and tights all came separately. We found everything in a store on the Champs Élysées for a total price of six hundred and ninety-nine a head.
Now I had a wedding dress, a ton of knick-knacks and a church. Daddy pulled some strings and helped me book the Halikko manor house for the reception. All this had taken two years. I still had to put together the menu, plan the evening programme and draw up the guest list—then, of course, there were the presents. I sat down with the head chef from the Halikko manor and together we designed the menu. The chef was super-cool right from the word go. We spent five wonderful weekends together getting everything ready.
Two days before Midsummer’s, Daddy flew in from Brussels and I showed him everything me and the girls had got together. Daddy was so proud of me he positively sighed. Later that evening, when he was tasting the wines we’d chosen and complimenting me on my choice of vintage, he asked me who the groom was. I was like, what groom? Well, he said, didn’t Jemina have some hairy brute standing at the altar saying I do? That’s right, I gasped, and looked at the girls and asked them what we should do now. Sara suggested I could ask Jasu to be the groom—he’s bound to agree, he’s an engineer and they’ve got a weird sense of humour. But I was like, I can’t ask Jasu because he’s a foot shorter than me. Then I had an idea. I called the chef at Halikko and asked him if he’d join me at the altar and do everything you’d expect a groom to do at a wedding. Why not, he said straight off, but the problem was he was already married. I was like, don’t worry, that’s just a minor hitch, and so he turned up and from start to finish played the role of the groom with utter professionalism.
I’m so fucking ashamed. Last night I passed out on the settee in front of the nine o’clock news and only woke up this morning. Jere had put a blanket over me, like he always does. It feels so shameful to get up after the boys have already left for school. Maija was keeping herself occupied on the PlayStation in a corner of the living room. She didn’t even look at me as I dragged myself into the bathroom. I had a loose shit in the loo, went into the kitchen and cracked open a can of lager. Only after I’d stood in front of the fridge and downed the can did I pluck up the courage to call out to Maija. She walked into the kitchen, a sulky scowl on her face, and cast an angry glance at the empty can in my hand. I told her I’d take her to nursery in just a minute. She nodded and went off to get dressed.
I left Maija at the doors of the nursery school around midday. I watched her quickly run inside, went into the corner shop and bought a twelve-pack of lager, a sandwich and a packet of ham reduced to half-price. I walked home and got to work on the twelve-pack, one can at a time. Shame sure fucking stings—a grown woman, a single mother of three, drinking her life away. It’s the kids that suffer most, I know that, and that makes me even more ashamed. When I should be putting food on the table for them, I buy lager instead and drink myself stupid.
Even thinking about how I turned out like this makes me feel ashamed. Was it circumstances, society, my parents, was it bad luck, fate, destiny, other people, or was the problem with me? I can’t remember my mother or father ever doing anything so terribly wrong that I had to start drinking. I just started. I can’t remember how or why. One bottle at a time, I suppose.
I know I’ll fall asleep on the living-room settee again before long. Jere will pick up Maija from nursery, I know that. I can rely on him. Then, when I wake up at about seven, I’ll go to the corner shop, fetch another twelve-pack and pass out again in front of the nine o’clock news. The boys understand me, they never seem angry with me, and that makes me ashamed too, ashamed that they still love me.
I met Jani in the car park when I reversed into the back of him. As we stood there arguing about his no-claims bonus, our auras collided and he invited me to McDonald’s for a bite to eat. We drove off, and that’s when everything started. Back then I was still married to Lari and he was with Susse. I’ve got three boys and a Labrador called Saku, and Jani’s got three girls and Lilli the golden retriever. Jani is six foot three, he was into diving and spoke fluent English.
Our relationship got off to a flying start. Jani filed for a divorce and expected me to do the same. Hold on, I said. We’ll see about that. As a realist, I wanted to be sure of a few things first. I asked Jani for Susse’s phone number. He looked a bit confused and asked why I needed it. I said, I’m not buying a pig in a poke.
I rang Susse and we agreed to meet at the work canteen. As soon as I saw her, I felt like we’d known each other since we were kids. I asked her straight out if she had anything against me. She said she might have had once, but not any more because she can tell I’m a kindred spirit. We agreed to work together. I asked her to list all Jani’s good and bad points. There were thirteen good points and only one bad one. He’s a total junkie—an endorphin junkie. He can’t survive a day without a twenty-mile run. If he can’t get out for a run, he turns into a right pain in the backside, Susse explained. Fine, I said, I can deal with that.
After that we talked about the practical side of things. We started with the kids, because divorces have a habit of affecting them the most. We agreed to look after the children together because we had virtually identical ideas about child-rearing. Three boys and three girls make for a perfect match. We shared all Christmas, Easter and half-term holidays. Then it was time to talk about the dogs. Diet, training regimes and agility competitions. We had things wrapped up soon enough. Susse asked if she could keep the house she’d shared with Jani. Sure, I said, Jani can move in with me and Lari can rent himself something cheap out in the suburbs.
As soon as the divorces came through, Jani and I got married. Lari didn’t want to move out because he’d become best mates with Jani and they’d started going running together. They were always off somewhere, training for marathons in New York, Berlin, you name it. I began to feel quite lonely because the guys were always away together, so eventually Susse and the kids moved into our place. First, she and I started dating each other, then a few months later Lari and Jani came out of the closet. Now we all live together in one big, wonderful blended family of four adults, six children and two dogs, and everything’s going just brilliantly. And we’ll soon have a new addition to the family too: Saku and Lilli are expecting sextuplets!