“You can see with your own eyes, you wretch,” the sergeant had said to the soldier, passing the false letter through the bars along with a medal of the Virgen del Carmen that the girl always wore pinned to her bodice. “My sister doesn’t love you. Don’t let yourself die because of her, she’s going to marry someone more civilized than you, someone from her own class.”
In both versions the soldier takes his own life by opening his veins — in the first, overwhelmed by desperation and suffering, in the second, destroyed by the evidence of his loss of love. When the girlfriend learns what happened, she fights bitterly with her brother and leaves her parents’ house forever. Her refusal to forgive causes her to confront life on her own and to subsist by turning to prostitution. That is how, after much fighting, much wandering, she comes to live in La Catunga.
“No matter what else she is, the Widow was the protagonist of an intense story,” I say to Machuca.
“There are people whose own story is too big for them.”
“Why do you say that so harshly, Machuca, if she made the noble gesture of leaving her family for…”
“Yes, she made the gesture,” she interrupts, “and from there on she let herself drown in indifference. It’s better not to undertake those defiant stances worthy of bullfighters, they’re so exhausting they just leave us empty.”
“What about Sayonara and the Widow? Were they ever friends?” I test the terrain cautiously to see if Machuca suspects the close relationship that existed between them.
“There was something between them, but I never really knew what, because it wasn’t friendship. I couldn’t say. It was more like mutual compassion, as if they shared some dark, bitter secret. Only God knows! Too bad he doesn’t exist.”
“Only God knows,” I agree. “Well, Machuca, if you’ll forgive me, I would like to speak with the Soldier’s Widow. Just because of her name she deserves my respect, and besides, she must have a lot of things to say.”
“All she says is Hail Marys as she counts off the beads of her rosary, because she took refuge in a cloistered convent, the Clarisas’ convent at Villa de Leyva, in Boyacá. She finally found her true destiny, which she had misplaced, but which was right there at the end waiting for her. You’ll find her very happy there, sucking the Holy Child’s tunic night and day, which is the only thing that she knows how to do. They say that the Clarisas refused to accept her because of her past, but in the face of the miracle of influence and money there is no door that can’t be opened, nor any Clarisa that can resist. They say her family paid good money to lock her up with her shame, to grow old behind walls that are heavier than tombstones. So you see, you’re not going to be able to get any further with that story, because what the Widow knows is cloistered right along with her.”
twenty
“You have beautiful eyes,” Dr. Antonio María Flórez said to Sayonara the third or fourth time she entered his office.
“What do you mean by that, Doc?” she asked, shaking the blue brilliance of her hair and looking at him suspiciously. “Just that, that you have beautiful eyes. Your problem is you can’t stand people saying only that to you.”
Olguita tells me that Sayonara couldn’t understand when men weren’t crazy in love with her. She couldn’t accept that there was anyone who wasn’t smitten by her, accustomed as she was to awakening love at first sight and stirring up desire with the mere brush of her skirt. If a man appeared and shuffled the cards for a game that didn’t involve passion, she would focus her interest on him for that simple fact, watching him without believing, scrutinizing him from head to foot in an attempt to decipher the mechanisms that made him immune, then she would gnaw and scratch at his indifference with the claws of a rat, until she gouged and destroyed it. To finish the job she would deploy all the splendid plumage of a seductive female, because nothing unsettled her more than not unsettling others.
“It didn’t happen only with humans,” reports Todos los Santos. “It was her stubborn way with all God’s creatures. She was so pampered in those days, and so haughty! My poor girl, she never suspected how hard things really are…”
Sayonara the dispossessed, the child prostitute of Tora, orphaned and dark-skinned, wandered the alleyways of her poor neighborhood in no particular hurry to get anywhere, ignoring the loneliness of stray dogs and the smell of fried fish and urine that enveloped everyone else, with a battery-operated radio in her hand and humming the romantic ballads of La Emisora Melodía, eating sweet oranges with clean bites and tossing the peels on the ground, sipping cool beer straight from the bottle and kicking the bottle cap down the street, freshly bathed and with her hair dripping wet, decked out in the only bit of elegance she knew, that narrow skirt with the slit up the side and the Chinese silk blouse with red and gold embroidery, and casually parting the crowd that was laboring under the hot sun on market day, just like a Moorish queen, idle and naked beneath her seven veils, along the fresh water-lined paths of her Alhambra.
Lacking holy oil, she was anointed with the arrogance of her cheap perfume; instead of a robe and crown, she paraded the impudence of her dark skin, and from the pedestal of her worn-out high heels, she treated the entire universe like a conquered vassal at her feet. If shooting stars came down from the sky, it was to bring her news of other wanderings, and for whom, if not for her, did the night watchman announce his rounds every hour with two mournful notes of his whistle? At dawn the robust aroma of coffee seeped forth from the pot and traveled to her bed to awaken her, and if the tuberoses disrupted the afternoon tranquillity with their oily smell of resurrection, they did it only to see her smile. Wandering troubles seeking consolation approached to drink her tears, the mist that flooded the valley cloaked her like a bride’s veil, cat’s eyes glowed phosphorescently when they looked at her, the days passed slowly to caress her at length, and if the great Río Magdalena took the trouble to funnel the abundance of its waters past Tora, it was only for the privilege of washing her feet.
“It wasn’t her fault,” says Fideo protectively. “So many people swore that they loved her that she believed it. Starting with you, doña Todos los Santos. You were the first one to confuse her.”
“I did what I could to get her to open her eyes,” Todos los Santos responds in self-defense. “One day I heard her say that the mockingbird sang so sweetly and so incessantly because it sang for her. Ay, my conceited child, I reprimanded her. Don’t aspire to be a gold coin and don’t have the impudence of wanting the world to love you; understand once and for all that putas are the other side of the tapestry, the rough side of life, and that it is the dark half of the moon that shines on us. Us? We are backroom tenants. They venerate us if they see us glow in the background and in the dark, but they squash us if we attempt to emerge into the light of day. Don’t forget, girl, the great truth of amor de café: we putas are always at war.”
“At war against who, madrina?” asked Sayonara, acting as if she didn’t know.
“Against everyone, girl. Against everyone.”
The madrina warned her, having guessed the harsh reality that the future was sure to bring: Girl, things aren’t like that. But a pretty girl doesn’t have to pay any mind and Sayonara kept strolling through life on a red carpet.