‘I only work for the Colonel,’ I said. ‘He sends me places, and I do things. Good things, mostly. Things that need doing. I’ve been with him fifteen years, and he never mentioned his family once.’
‘Is he a good man?’ said Penny. She seemed honestly curious.
‘I would say so, yes.’
‘But you’re not going to tell me what you do, or what he does?’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘It’s more than your life’s worth.’
‘A man of many secrets,’ said Penny, admiringly. ‘Do you work for Intelligence?’
‘Not as far as I know,’ I said.
We shared a smile and, without either of us having to say anything, tacitly agreed to change the subject.
‘There was so much excitement when James announced he’d be coming home for Christmas,’ said Penny. ‘For the first time in God knows how many years. No warning. Just a telephone call out of the blue, yesterday morning. I’d never seen Daddy so animated … Stomping up and down, waving his arms around, so happy and so full of life … And all I could think was: he never gets that happy about me coming home. But then, James has always meant more to him than I ever could. I may be Daddy’s little girl, but you know how it is, with fathers and sons.’
‘Not really,’ I said, but she wasn’t listening.
‘It’s hard to compete with the perfect memory of an absent brother. Mummy … wasn’t nearly so happy at the news. But she knew better than to try and talk Daddy out of it. Some things Daddy just won’t be moved on.’
‘How about the others?’ I said as she paused for breath. ‘How did they feel about the Colonel joining the gathering this year?’
‘Mostly curious,’ said Penny. ‘Quite keen to see this mysterious long-lost prodigal son for themselves. Diana, on the other hand … I have to say, I may be wrong, but she didn’t seem nearly as happy at the thought of seeing her long missing son again. Anyway, James arrived here late last night. After we’d all got tired of waiting up and gone to bed. Daddy stayed up, of course. So he was there to greet James. Apparently they talked for ages, and then James retired to his room. Tired out after his long drive, I suppose.’
‘So no one here has seen the Colonel, except for your father?’ I said. ‘And that was late last night.’
‘You’re worried about him, aren’t you?’ said Penny.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Something’s not right. I can feel it. The Colonel can take care of himself against most things, but … Do you have any idea why he stayed away for so long? Was there a row?’
‘No one knows,’ said Penny. ‘Except Daddy, and he won’t talk about it. But there was no disguising how pleased he was, just at the thought of James coming home at last. Mummy wasn’t pleased. She’s always been worried Daddy might change his mind and disinherit me in favour of his firstborn, James.’
‘But you’re not worried,’ I said.
‘No … I’m not. How can you tell?’
‘I see many things,’ I said. ‘I can also tell … you don’t give a damn about your father’s money.’
‘Well, no,’ said Penny. ‘I have my own life. And my own money. I work in London, in publishing. And I’m very happy there, thank you. Mummy shouldn’t worry so much … Daddy would make sure she was looked after, whatever happened. Just like he did with Diana. But Mummy wants all this … The Manor and the grounds and everything. Being Lady of the Manor and queen of the local scene. She just loves all that.’
‘And you don’t.’
‘Frankly, darling, I couldn’t give a rat’s arse for all … this.’
I wouldn’t have thought it possible to get so much contempt into one word. Penny’s face cleared, and she smiled brightly at me.
‘I was looking forward to meeting James. My invisible half-brother. You know, he always sent me a birthday card and a Christmas card. Every year without fail, since I was a little girl. Never missed once. That was nice of him. He didn’t have to do that, for a little stepsister he never even met.’
‘You said the Colonel only spoke to your father,’ I said. ‘But Jeeves said he spoke to him.’
‘I didn’t know that,’ said Penny. ‘Why? Does it matter?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘Is Jeeves your usual butler?’
‘Hell, no!’ Penny said immediately. ‘He creeps the hell out of me! I have to fight down the urge to run every time I see him coming. Daddy couldn’t get any of the usual servants to stay over this Christmas. Had to go to some agency. For a while it looked like we were going to have to fend for ourselves. I was quite looking forward to seeing that … And then Jeeves turned up at the very last minute, with Cook in tow, and saved the day. He is … very efficient.’
‘So you’ve never met Jeeves before.’
‘No. Is that significant?’
‘Beats me,’ I said. ‘I’m still getting the feel for this place and this family.’
‘And how do you feel?’ said Penny. ‘About … us?’
‘I’m worried that the Colonel has disappeared so completely,’ I said. ‘Jeeves seems very certain he isn’t anywhere in the house.’
‘Then let’s go outside and look for him!’ Penny said brightly. ‘We can take a walk through the grounds, see if he’s hiding anywhere.’
‘In this weather?’ I said.
‘Oh, we’ll be fine!’ said Penny. ‘Long as we bundle up properly. Come on; it’ll be an adventure!’
‘I have had enough of those, in my time,’ I said.
‘I could always ask Roger,’ said Penny.
I sighed, quietly. ‘I cannot allow you to inflict such a penance on yourself. All right; let us go for a stroll and brave the sub-zero temperatures together. Who knows; maybe we’ll bump into a penguin.’
‘You only get penguins in the Antarctic,’ Penny said crushingly. ‘Though I did hear something rather interesting about polar bears, on some documentary, just the other day. Apparently, when they’re sneaking up on someone, across the snowy wastes, the polar bear always raises one arm up across his face. Because his nose is jet black and would stand out against the white background!’
‘Something to bear in mind, while we’re out in the snow,’ I said solemnly. ‘Though actually, that’s not why they do it. Polar bears always raise one arm across their face because they’re pretending to be Batman. Great fans of Adam West, the polar bears.’
Penny giggled, despite herself. ‘Oh, you! Come on, let’s get you properly attired for the great outdoors.’
‘Very well,’ I said. ‘But I reserve the right to head back to the house, at speed, if certain important parts of me start dropping off.’
Penny led me all the way down the hall, to an intimidatingly large cupboard by the front door. Big enough to hold a political gathering in, while swinging a whole bunch of endangered species in an entirely uninhibited manner, and absolutely stuffed full of dozens of fur coats, along with a huge and varied selection of fur hats, gloves, and really heavy boots. No skis or snowshoes, but then, you can’t have everything.
‘Who do all these belong to?’ I said. ‘Can we really just take what we want?’
‘That’s what they’re for,’ Penny said patiently. ‘For Daddy’s guests; as required. You’ve never been to a country house before, have you? Try this one on. It looks your size.’
‘It looks like someone skinned a polar bear,’ I said. ‘And a big one, at that. Does Greenpeace know about this cupboard?’
‘This cupboard probably pre-dates Greenpeace,’ said Penny.
I took off my jacket, hung it carefully on a nearby hanger, and tried on a few fur coats for size.
Penny looked me over, with a considering eye. ‘Nice body …’
‘I can’t take any credit for it,’ I said. ‘It’s what I was given.’
‘At least you’ve looked after it,’ said Penny.
‘Clean living and a vegetable diet … are two things I’ve always avoided,’ I said solemnly. ‘Can’t help feeling there’s a connection.’
It took a while, but we both finally found something we liked; and, half-buried under fur coats, hats, gloves and really heavy boots, we looked each other over critically. Penny took in the tentative way I’d set a Russian fur hat on my head and shook her own head, more in sorrow than anger. She took a firm hold on the hat with both hands and pulled it down hard, until it settled just above my eyes.