‘Ugly old place, isn’t it?’ said Penny. ‘Daddy would love to tear it all down and improve the view, but officially this is a listed building. Part of our great English architectural heritage. So we can’t touch it. Even if it is butt ugly and half as useful. Even though one good fire would do millions of pounds of improvement. Honestly, darling; just because a thing’s stood around for a few years doesn’t automatically make it a thing of beauty and a joy forever.’
I went back to the front opening to stare out over the still and silent world. Cold and white and pearly grey. Penny came to stand beside me.
‘How very peaceful,’ she said, after a while. ‘Such a shame it won’t last.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘It won’t. I can feel the storm building, all around us. Piling on the pressure till it breaks; and then the wind will hit us like a battering ram, and the snow will come down like the wrath of God.’
‘You’re not the most cheerful person I’ve ever met,’ said Penny. She put her head right back, to stare up at the iron grey sky past the rim of her fur hat, and then she looked at me. ‘Can you really feel a storm coming?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘It’s a gift. But we’ve still got some time. Tell me about your family, Penny. The Colonel’s family. He never told me anything about you.’
‘If you like,’ said Penny. ‘I don’t mind. If you’re hoping for dirt, I’m afraid there isn’t any. Or, at least, nothing interesting. The Belcourts have lived in the manor house for generations, though Daddy will probably be the last to live here. He’s going to have to sell off the Manor soon, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. I don’t think he’ll really care all that much. He’s only hanging on now out of a sense of family duty. Mummy’s the one who’s desperate to stay on. If it hadn’t been for her, Daddy would have sold up and moved on long ago. To somewhere cheaper, and warmer. Daddy could use the money to prop up his business. That’s why Alex is here.’
‘What about you?’ I said. ‘This is supposed to be your inheritance. How do you feel about selling Belcourt Manor?’
‘I can’t honestly say I’ve any real fondness for the old place,’ said Penny. She stood staring out into the mists, her hands thrust deep into her pockets, her eyes far away. ‘And I’d hate to have the expense of running all this. The Manor’s upper floors were abandoned when I was a kid. I used to go exploring up there, even though it was strictly forbidden. Well, probably because it was strictly forbidden. I was always a wilful child. I used to steal the keys and unlock rooms at random, just to see what was in there. Searching for treasure and enjoying jumping at shadows. Pulling open drawers and peeking under the dust-sheets, making a mess … Eventually Mummy got tired of that, and all the other wilful things I did; and when shouting at me didn’t work, I was sent away.
‘I spent the rest of my childhood at boarding school and my adolescence at a very proper finishing school in Grenoble, Switzerland. From which I gained a first-class education, a posh accent, and a deep and abiding hatred for all forms of authority. I only ever got to come home for the holidays. Like being sent down to Hell, and then allowed brief trips back to Heaven. Just so you could appreciate how bad Hell was.’
She turned her head, to look at me. ‘You’re really very easy to talk to, Ishmael. You know that?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Was school really that bad?’
‘No … But it’s the principle that counts!’ She looked back at the snowy expanse. ‘I loved the grounds here, and the luxury of the house, but I would have loved anywhere that wasn’t school. With all its petty rules, and regulations … What were we talking about? Oh yes … The family. The Colonel’s family …’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Daddy mostly gives in to Mummy, to keep the peace. He divorced Diana because she started looking her age, and he wanted a beautiful wife at his side. He met Mummy at a sales conference, where she was tottering around on high heels, handing out gourmet nibbles from a tray, while wearing hardly anything at all. Really; I’ve seen the photos. It’s a wonder she didn’t catch a chill. Daddy took a shine to her and brought her home with him. And just like that, Diana was on her way. Replaced by a newer model. With a good enough settlement that she wouldn’t fight it. She’s always invited back for Christmas, and she always turns up. Daddy seems happy enough to see her. Mummy, less so, though she’s always polite. Mummy is still very wary of Diana, even though she won Daddy away from her. Heavy lies the head that bears the tiara …
‘Mummy’s never felt secure here. You see, she married into wealth and position. Never had any of her own. That’s why she was so keen for me to go away to boarding school, and then finishing school. So I could have all the advantages Mummy never had. No one ever asked me what I wanted. I think I would rather have had a mother. And a father.’ She paused there, as though waiting for a comment. But I didn’t have one.
‘What about the guests?’ I said, finally.
‘Roger is a bore,’ Penny said flatly. ‘Don’t know what I ever saw in him. I think perhaps … He was just my way out of the family. Cut my links, once and for all, by marrying someone I knew they couldn’t stand. If I had any conscience I’d do something absolutely beastly to the poor boy, so he’d go away and not want me any more. But it’s so hard to be rotten to him. Like kicking a puppy.
‘Alexander Khan … gets on my nerves, big time. Always has … on all the occasions he’s invited himself here to discuss business with Daddy. Which usually seems to consist of shouting sessions in private. Alex has always cared more about the business than Daddy has. He only ever turns up here when he wants more money for this great new scheme or that. I don’t like the way he looks at me or Mummy. I keep my distance. He’s been hovering around Roger all this weekend. Don’t ask me why.
‘And then, there’s dear little Sylvia. Seems a decent enough sort. Diana collects good-looking companions to remind herself of what she used to look like before her face wrinkled up into a road map. She says having bright young things around her helps her feel young again. I say she leeches off their youth and energy … Sylvia’s just the latest in a long line, and she won’t be the last, even if Sylvia hasn’t realized that yet. She’s more fun than some I’ve known, from previous Christmas gatherings. And fun’s always in short supply, this time of year.’
‘You don’t care for Christmas?’
‘Christmas is fine; it’s the family gatherings that get on my tits. Trapped here for days on end, with people I hardly know or care about. For me, Christmas is just something to get through. Though it’s not as if I’ve anywhere else to go. Or anyone else to be with …’
‘Why do you keep coming back?’ I said.
‘Because it’s family,’ Penny said tiredly. ‘Family obligations, and all that. The blood that calls, and the ties that bind. You know how it is …’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Not really. I have no family. There’s only ever been me.’
Penny looked quickly at me. ‘Oh Ishmael; I’m so sorry. And I’ve just been prattling on … Are you an orphan?’
‘Something like that,’ I said. ‘The Colonel … James … is the closest I’ve ever had.’
‘To a family?’
‘To a father,’ I said.
I hadn’t realized I was going to say that, until I heard myself saying it. I stopped short, thinking. Trying to work out what I felt. Penny smiled, slipped her arm through mine, and cuddled up against me. I should have pushed her away. I knew it wasn’t fair, to her or to me, to give her any encouragement. As soon as I found the Colonel, and dealt with whatever business he had for me here, I would be on my way again. I’m always leaving. It’s easier on everyone else that way. Because they’re going to get old, and I won’t. Because I can never tell anyone the truth about me. Because they wouldn’t love me, if they knew I wasn’t human. And because … I’m afraid. Afraid I might not be what I think I am. That my memories, or flashbacks, might be just a cover, to hide something awful. I made a firm decision long ago to walk alone, and live alone, because that was safer for everyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone.