‘You know what really scares me?’ said Jeeves, meeting my gaze with almost brutal honesty. ‘If she decided not to kill me. If she decided to bite me and make me into a creature like her. A thing of … endless appetites and no emotions. Not caring about anyone or anything, ever again. I wouldn’t want to go on living if I couldn’t care any more. If I didn’t care about my Leilah.’
‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘I’ll make sure you’re properly dead.’
‘I was going to say: don’t let Sylvia get anywhere near me!’ said Jeeves. ‘Dear God, you have a morbid state of mind, Ishmael!’
‘Comes with the job,’ I said. ‘And the territory.’
We shared a brief smile.
‘I’ll do the same for you, if I have to,’ said Jeeves.
‘Good to know,’ I said. ‘Remember, the way to a vampire’s heart is straight under the sternum, and then lean in hard.’ I looked out at the snow and the fog. ‘We’re going to have to check all the outbuildings, and then make sure she can’t conceal herself in any of them.’
‘How are we going to do that?’
‘Set fire to them,’ I said. ‘Burn them all, right down to the ground. Preferably with Sylvia inside. But at the very least, we have to drive her out into the open, where we can get at her.’
I realized Jeeves was looking at me, apparently genuinely shocked. It took him a moment to get the words out.
‘Are you crazy? These are all listed buildings! Historical treasures; part of our country’s architectural heritage! Each and every one of them is worth a small fortune in their own right!’
‘Antiques Roadshow can bill me,’ I said.
‘You really aren’t human,’ said Jeeves.
‘We both need to bundle up warm before we go out,’ I said. ‘There’s suitable clothing in the cupboard to your left. I plan to wrap a thick scarf around my neck several times.’
‘You really think that’ll stop a bite?’ said Jeeves.
‘No. But it should keep the cold out.’
‘Do we have a plan?’
‘Of course. You start the fires, and I’ll keep watch.’
‘So I can take the blame for all the arson,’ said Jeeves. ‘Because you’re not planning on being here when my people finally turn up, are you?’
‘Like the Organization I work for,’ I said, ‘I don’t officially exist.’
Jeeves sighed, loudly. ‘This job started out so well. Really good money, just to play bodyguard at a country house weekend. A chance for Leilah to show off her culinary skills. Easy money … We should have known better.’
I closed the front door to keep out the cold. And so I could be sure the vampire wouldn’t sneak back in and ambush us while we were getting changed. I showed Jeeves the walk-in cupboard, and we piled on as many layers of heavy clothing as we could manage, while still being able to move freely. I remembered doing this before with Penny. Remembered walking with her through the snow-covered grounds, with no idea of what kind of day lay ahead of us. I remembered finding the Colonel’s body inside a snowman and knowing my world would never be the same again.
When Jeeves and I finished dressing, we both stood back to look each other over. With a scarf pulled up over his mouth and nose, and a woolly hat pulled down hard over his shaven head to just above his eyebrows, all I could see of Jeeves was his eyes. But I was pretty sure he wasn’t smiling.
We went back to the front door, and I hauled it open. Both of us were braced and ready, just in case Sylvia was lying in wait on the other side. It’s what I would have done. Instead there was just the fog and the snow, and the shimmering moonlight. The air was barely moving, hardly disturbing the heavy mists.
‘Easy to hide in,’ said Jeeves.
‘For us, as well as her,’ I said.
‘Unless her undead senses work better than ours.’
‘I doubt they’re better than mine,’ I said. ‘I should be able to tell if she’s anywhere near us … Any sound will travel well on this quiet, and with her glamour gone, she stinks of the grave.’
‘You sure you’ll be able to sense her?’
‘I’m going out there, aren’t I?’
Jeeves sighed, heavily. ‘You know the real problem, here? I never once suspected Sylvia might be the killer. I liked Sylvia.’
‘Everyone did,’ I said. ‘I think that’s the point of having a glamour.’
Jeeves nodded and called back down the hall to Leilah.
She immediately stuck her head out of the doorway. ‘Yes?’ she said loudly. ‘What do you want? I’m busy! Heavy defensive barricades don’t build themselves, you know!’
‘I’m going to lock the front door behind us, Leilah,’ said Jeeves. ‘So when we come back, we’ll need you to let us in. I’ll knock like this, so you can be sure it’s me.’ He knocked three times quickly on the door, followed by two slow and hard. ‘Don’t leave me out in the cold, girl.’
‘I’ll be listening,’ said Leilah. ‘Dear God, look at the state of you. Are you sure you’ve got enough clothes on? Don’t forget your knock, or I swear I’ll leave you out there.’
‘She would, too,’ Jeeves said proudly.
‘And you say I’m weird,’ I said.
‘You are!’ Leilah said loudly.
Once outside, with the front door locked firmly behind us, Jeeves and I stood close together, peering about us. The moonlight reflected back from the snow almost as bright as day, but it was hard to see far in any direction. The fog was getting thicker. I could just make out the tithe barn beside the main house; a great dark looming presence. Any footsteps Sylvia might have left in the snow had already disappeared, covered over by new snow.
Jeeves was already shivering and shuddering from the extreme cold, for all his heavy coats. He glared at me when he realized I wasn’t shivering at all.
‘It’s so desolate out here,’ he said. ‘Like being on the surface of the moon. A dead world, harbouring an undead creature. I can’t believe I’m really doing this …’
‘Believe it,’ I said. ‘Doubts will get you killed.’
‘In the old stories, faith was a genuine defence against vampires,’ Jeeves said slowly. ‘I never got around to making my mind up about that sort of thing.’
‘You saw Khan try and stop Sylvia with silver candlesticks for a crucifix,’ I said. ‘She just laughed. Have faith in your experience and your abilities, Jeeves. They’re far more likely to keep you alive.’
‘But doesn’t all this make you think?’ said Jeeves. ‘She’s a vampire; this is Christmas Eve … It has to mean something! Doesn’t it?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I told you, I’m not from around here. I don’t know what to believe.’
‘But if a vampire really does exist,’ said Jeeves, ‘you have to ask yourself: what else could be real?’
‘I wouldn’t,’ I said. ‘You’ll sleep better at night. Can we please discuss the philosophical implications later, when this is all over and we’re back in the warm? I do feel the cold, you know.’
‘Can you smell anything?’ said Jeeves.
‘Nothing useful,’ I said. ‘Let’s start with the nearest building.’
‘That would be the tithe barn.’
‘So it would.’
We trudged forward through the heavy snow. The great grey shape of the barn loomed out of the mists before us, seeming somehow more solid and more real, the closer we got. The whole world was still and quiet, as though holding its breath to see what would happen next. The only sound was the crunch of our boots as they sank deep into the piled-up snow. The air was cold enough to sear my lungs as I breathed it in. It must have been even worse for Jeeves, because he was making quiet sounds of distress with every breath he took, without even realizing it.
‘I don’t see any footsteps,’ he said as we approached the great opening in the barn’s front wall.
‘Wouldn’t expect to,’ I said. ‘The snow’s had more than enough time to cover them over. If you want something else to worry about … Maybe Sylvia can fly, for short distances. You remember how she clung to the drawing room ceiling …’