I think that she wanted to take care of me. Wanted not to fall asleep so often in the middle of the day, pulling a pillow around her ears so she couldn’t hear my footsteps. Wanted not to ruin her voice with whiskey and cigarettes, wanted not to throw me with disgust at her mother and go moonlight in Italian bars in the Loop where they’d give her glasses of cheap red wine to drink as she sang and put her in a cab at the end of the night.
But I made it difficult for her.
My mother enjoyed feeding me. Little bites of strawberry into my mouth right off the knife, pieces of hot bread with butter and honey. Greta’s talent for baking skimmed over Baba Ada’s surface — she could do it sufficiently, it just didn’t hold her interest — but embedded itself in my mother, deep. I remember how happy she was every time I took a mouthful of something, like the use of my incisors was a miracle, the plunge of my throat an expression of love.
One Easter when I was about five years old, my front two teeth dangled painfully loose, and I couldn’t eat the chocolate or jelly beans or gummy worms stashed for me in plastic eggs. Ada was impatient with holiday traditions that did not involve church, but that year Sara wouldn’t let her take me, and I think Ada saw my situation as a piece of minor divine retribution. She sat sanguine, trying to distract me by painting eggshells. But my mother was wretched.
“It’s not Easter if she can’t eat candy,” she said. “Here, Lulu, try this.” She handed me a marshmallow rabbit. I bit down on it and grimaced, shaking my head.
“If your hands get sticky, you’ll muck up the pisanki,” Ada said. She removed the disemboweled pink bunny from my hand with two fingers and covered it with a piece of newspaper. “Lick them like this, lalka, and then you can try again.” Ada stuck her tongue out at the tips of her fingers and I giggled, following suit. She craned her neck at Sara. “There, she got some sugar. Are you happy now?”
“Yes, obviously,” said Sara. “My concerns were purely chemical.”
She kept trying different concoctions, chopping gummies into a near paste and holding chocolate kisses up to a flame, letting me drink the melted liquid out of her hands. I wasn’t really hungry, and would have forgotten about my candy in minutes if I’d been given a chance, but Sara pushed more and more options towards me — marshmallows microwaved into fluff and hard candies crushed into powder that dissolved on my tongue.
Finally, her Easter eggs shoved by the wayside, Ada got up and washed her hands, then returned to her seat in the kitchen and folded one leg carefully over the other. “Well,” she said, “that is enough. You’ve ensured the child will never sleep again, and she looks like a Chinese panda.” Indeed there were smears of chocolate all across my face, rimming my mouth and daubing my cheekbones like war paint. “Mamenka would never have allowed this kind of nonsense on a holy day. She put my hair up in special curlers the night before Easter Sunday so that I would be perfectly uniform, and I spent hours embroidering a new dress, because I wanted to be the most beautiful, perfect little girl in church.”
Sara raised an eyebrow. To invoke Greta was to pull a hidden card from your sleeve, not really an argument but a firm “Because I said so.” The effect on me wasn’t punitive, it was just unstoppable. Once tossed a crumb of Greta lore, I would do anything to get another taste.
Immediately my hands went up to my face and started wiping the chocolate away. Sara tsked and tried to help me, but her fingers were also spun with sugar and I shrieked when she grabbed my arm to pull me just a little bit closer. “No no no,” I cried, squirming and retracting. “No, please no, stop it, I can—” But she clamped down harder and dabbed at my cheeks, licking her thumb and scrubbing my skin in a huff. I twisted away, knocking over my chair, and when I picked myself up off the ground I saw a shadow of chocolate on my Easter dress. My ears started ringing and I collapsed into sobs.
“Why did you do that to me, Mama, why did you do that?”
Ada scooped me up off the floor and grasped my chin between her forefinger and thumb. She shushed me and nuzzled me and took me over to the sink, where a quick swipe from a damp cloth scoured my face pink and removed the worst damage from my dress, while Sara remained in her chair, ash silent. She picked up a hollow painted egg and rolled it back and forth in her palm.
“Now, słodka, it’s not so bad, is it?” asked Ada. “You know, we could still curl your hair with the curling iron. Would you like that? Hmm?” I nodded reverently. “And then maybe we could paint a couple more Easter eggs, and I’ll buy you a nice, soft piece of cake. Soft as a cloud. You know, Greta loved to have cake on Easter Sunday. She would bake a cake that was so tall! Like a man!” Ada held her hand up flat, high above her head. “And we would eat it with custard, and I always knew that if I finished Easter that way I would fall asleep and dream of a clockwork girl, of braided gold and a beating garnet heart. A whole child made of jewels and shining rings and chains.”
Sara sighed through her nose, peering at the egg in her hand. I watched it and her from Ada’s arms, the slow rhythmic nature of their movements. The egg was red, struck through with lines of yellow and black, and it matched the crimson of Sara’s fingernails, though its pattern was much more severe. I remained cosseted in my baba’s arms but willed my mother to look at me, ashamed of myself without knowing why. Sara’s eyes were partially hidden by her lashes, but I could see them growing darker, edging towards black. If she would only look up, I thought, I could smile and everything would be all right again. We could all eat cake together and tell stories, bundled onto the couch under a blanket. But my mother set the eggshell on the table and slowly crushed it under her palm. Then she stood up, brushing off her hands, and walked out of the room.
“Well,” said Ada. “How about that cake then?”
Sometimes I forget that Kara is a real baby, that she isn’t just a manifestation of my own difficulty with babyness—that in fact when her pupil dilates, her nostril flares, it is a genuine person’s experience of something outside itself. Which means there is something inside itself as well. Not just blood and a shining purple liver the size of an apricot. Though that too. Organs glistening in miniature, and then somewhere inexpressible, unidentifiable: awareness.
I wonder if my mother ever saw me this way, as a whole thing, someone outside her own game of trials and errors, wracking points up for themselves. When she put her hand on my head in passing, did she somehow feel a brain beating beneath it or did an idle part of her just think girl? The shadowy form of girl that lived in her mind instead of the hungry-thirsty-needs-to-pee version that lived in her house. The shadowy form that came to eclipse her.
I lean into my baby, I surround her and drink in her scent of milk and straw and butter. The clean smell of ironed cotton and her own slightly rancid spit. I always want to be touching her, examining her, to remind myself she is there, she is she, but I still have this terrible time knowing it. Separating the she that has a smell from the me who smells it. And so the fear I feel is transposed onto her, the fear that singing to her will make her a part of my family’s strange and imaginary history. Draw her in like my mother’s mouth draws in smoke, like I draw in oxygen. When in fact the truth for Kara is that a song would be rhythmic to her, a song would just send her to sleep.