The Delegates' Choice aka The Book Stops Here

'Right,' said Israel. 'And so you saw the van at what time?'

'You know the trouble in Israel at the moment?'

'Terrible,' said Mrs Krimholz.

'Anyway?' said Israel.

'Yes. I remember thinking to myself, that's an unusual sort of ice-cream van. And then this morning, it was gone.'

'Okay? Time?'

'I don't know. Half past ten?'

'Well, thanks, that's…And you didn't see any sort of suspicious…things, did you?'

'Suspicious?'

'Well, people, or…stuff?'

'No,' said Mr Krimholz. 'No more suspicious than usual!'

'Why are you looking for a mobile library van?' asked Mrs Krimholz.

'It's…I'm…Sorry,' said Israel, reaching into his pocket. 'That's my phone. I need to take this one.'

'Business?' said Mr Krimholz.

'Business,' said Israel. He shook the phone slightly, pretending that it was vibrating. 'I've got it on, er…vibrate.' He shook it slightly again and then pretended to answer it. 'Ah! Yes.' He put his hand over the phone and whispered to the Krimholzes, 'Sorry, have to take this one.'

'Okay,' mouthed Mr Krimholz. 'Business is business.'

Israel backed out of the house, pretending to talk into the phone. 'Really?' he was saying. 'That's a lot. You know, we could maybe try to meet them halfway on that one, and…'

'Strange boy,' said Mrs Krimholz, shutting the door.

'Yes,' said Mr Krimholz. 'I don't think his phone was vibrating. I think he was sort of shaking it…'

And they went back inside to their Louis XIV-style furniture.

By the time Israel, disconsolate, had got back home, his mother had swung into action and set up the kitchen as a centre of operations. There were telephone address books piled on the table. There was paper everywhere. She was finishing a call.

Ted had an apron on and was standing by the counter.

'Bagel?' said Ted.

'What?' said Israel, already disorientated by his encounter with the Krimholzes, and now shocked to be offered a bagel by Ted; Ted might as well have been offering to help him tie on tefillin or suggesting they share a crack pipe.

'You want a bagel?' said Ted. 'They're delicious. Why did you never tell me about bagels before?'

'I…'

'I've never had them before. Muhammad loves them.' Muhammad barked in agreement. 'They're from…what's that place called?'

'Jacob's?' said Israel.

'That's it,' said Ted. 'Great bagel bakery.'

'Yeah.'

'We've got poppy-seed, onion, plain?'

Israel's mother was finishing her conversation on the phone.

'Yeah,' she was saying. 'Sure. Bye. Bye. Ciao.' She turned to Israel. 'So?'

'Can I just say, Mother, that I am never, never going round there again, under any circumstances, for anybody, for anything.'

'Fine, fine,' said his mother. 'But the van?'

'They are the most appalling people I have ever-'

'They're not that bad,' said Israel's mother.

'Well, if you think they're not that bad, then why didn't you go round there?'

'Let's not get into that again, please, Israel. Did you think she'd had work done, Mrs Krimholz?'

'What?'

'Did you think she'd had work done? You know, around the eyes, or…'

'She did look a little strange.'

'That's not just Botox,' said Israel's mother, touching her face, 'let me tell you. Anyway, the van?'

'Mr Krimholz saw it last night. But it wasn't there this morning.'

'What time did he see it last night?'

'He thought about half past ten.'

'Okay, good,' said his mother, who wrote something down in her notebook. 'And did he see anything suspicious?'

'No.'

'Okay. Fine. Good. We're getting there.'

'We're getting where exactly?' said Israel, helping himself to a poppy-seed bagel.

'You've got to try the onion,' said Ted.

'I'm fine with poppy-seed, thanks,' said Israel.

'Well, I've made a lot of calls,' said Israel's mother. 'But so far no one seems to have seen anything.'

'So, who are you calling?' said Israel, taking a bite of bagel.

'Sit down if you're eating, Israel. It's bad for you digestion if you're not sitting down.'

Israel sat down with his bagel.

'Do you want it toasted?' said Ted. 'They're good toasted.'

'No, I'm fine as it is, thanks,' said Israel. 'So who exactly are you phoning, Mum?'

'People.'

'Which people?'

'Friends.'

'Right. Who? People in your line-dancing class?'

'No. Not just them!' said Israel's mother. 'People in my book group as well.'

'Well, that's…' said Israel. 'Any coffee?'

'Sure,' said Ted.

'It's a start,' said Israel's mother.

'Yeah, but I hardly think we're going to get very far in tracking down the van with a bunch of middle-aged women from Finchley who happen to have read Reading Lolita in Tehran, are we? We need to get a proper plan together.'

'All right, Mr Know It All. So what's your plan?' said Israel's mother.

'Well, I haven't got a plan,' said Israel. 'I'm just saying. And anyway,' he added, getting up, 'I need to go and see Gloria. I'm sorry, I'll catch up with you later, okay?'

'Typical,' said Ted.

'She'll be at work now, won't she?' said Israel's mother.

Israel checked his watch.

'Well…'

'Good,' said Israel's mother, 'so you can help us with our plan then, can't you?'

'Mother!'

'Sit down, Israel.'

Israel sighed. And he huffed. And he puffed. But he sat down.

'Good,' said Israel's mother. 'Where were we?'

'I don't know,' said Israel.

'A plan,' said Ted.

'Ah, yes!' said Israel's mother. 'A plan.'

'It can't be that difficult to find a stolen mobile library in north London, can it?' said Israel. 'You can't just make a mobile library disappear. Someone must have seen it.'

'We could put out an appeal on Crimewatch,' said Israel's mother.

'Mmm,' said Israel, swallowing a piece of bagel. 'Now that is a good idea, actually, in fairness, Mother.'

'I'm not just a pretty face.'

'No,' said Israel.

'Aye,' said Ted.

'If you think about it,' continued Israel, 'there's a great media angle on this. "The Book Stops Where? Have you seen this Mobile Library?" We could get national coverage. It's a Guardian sort of a story.'

'Great!' said Israel's mother. 'We'll start a campaign. Ari's aunt knows Melanie Phillips.'

'No,' said Ted. 'I don't think that's a good idea.'

'Why not?' said Israel. 'You don't like the Daily Mail? I thought you liked the Daily Mail? We're trying to come up with a plan here.'

'No,' said Ted.

'No?' said Israel's mother.

'No…I wouldn't want people to know we'd lost it.'

'You wouldn't want people to know?' said Israel's mother. 'But why? How else are we going to find it?'

'Linda would love it.'

'Ah,' said Israel. 'Good point.'

'Who's Linda?' asked Israel's mother.

'Don't ask,' said Israel.

'Our boss,' said Ted.

'Huh,' said Israel's mother. 'They're all the same.'

'She's a Northern Irish Chinese lesbian single parent,' said Israel.

'Well, they're all more or less the same,' said Israel's mother.

'We can't do any publicity,' said Ted.

'It'd be a shame not to,' said Israel's mother.

'I bet we'd find it that way,' said Israel.

'No,' said Ted.

'Any better ideas?' said Israel.

'I know!' said Israel's mother. 'Let's make a list.'

While Israel and his mother started another list Ted busied himself finishing off the rest of the bagels.

'Yes! Of course! I've got it!' Israel's mother began. 'Number one! Insider contacts! We have to start with any insider contacts we have.'

'What do you mean, insider contacts?' said Israel. 'Contacts in the mobile library-stealing fraternity?'

'Exactly,' said Israel's mother.

'I've a cousin who works in a pub,' said Ted, finishing off his second onion bagel. 'He might be able to help.'

'I doubt that very much,' said Israel.

'Perfect!' said Israel's mother. 'People in pubs, people on the street, that's just where we should start.'