It was silent as I entered the dark turret and started to climb the stairs. There was a chill in the air. I counted the steps and when I was halfway up I thought I heard someone labouring up behind me. I suppose that was natural. Why should I be the only one who thought it worthwhile making this long climb up to the summit to look down on Fresh air at last! Oh, indeed the view was magnificent. I could look right down on Paris and on either side of me were the north and south banks. I could see the Marais behind the Tour Saint-Jacques to the north and in the south the Rue de Bievre and the Boulevard St. Michel with the district which lay between.
While I stood there I was aware of someone beside me. My heart started to hammer and for a moment I felt as though I was unable to move.
Terror seized me, as it had when I had suddenly realized the man in the blue coat and white hat was no ordinary cocker.
Then a voice said: “You remember me?”
I turned. I was looking into the face of Nicole St. Giles.
“I think I startled you,” she went on.
“Yes. I … I thought I was alone up here.”
“People don’t often trail up those steps. Do you know there are three hundred and ninety-seven of them?”
“It seemed like a thousand.” Aa She laughed.
“I was so pleased to see you in the crowd, but you didn’t see me. I saw you start up the stairs and I guessed you were coming to look at the view. You’re at the Duponts’ in Courcelles, I believe?”
“Yes,” I said; and I thought: She would know, of course. She was at the chateau when it was arranged. How much more did she know?
“I couldn’t resist coming to see the wedding,” she said.
“Couldn’t you?” I looked at her searchingly. Did she care very much?
She did not seem to.
“I hope it’s a success,” she said, and I noticed she had not said that she hoped they would be happy.
I shrugged my shoulders.
“I hope, too, that you will come and see me while you are in Paris. I have a house on the Left Bank. Let me give you a card. It’s not very far from the Sorbonne and near the Luxembourg Gardens. Quite pleasant.”
“You live there … all the time.”
“Yes, now. All the time.”
I thought: It is over for you then. You are just thrown aside.
But she seemed very happy.
“How are the portraits going?”
“Quite well. I have done the elder young lady. Now I have the younger and then there is a cousin. I think it better for me to do the three before I move on to the house of Monsieur Villefranche.
“So you will be in Paris for some time yet. I think the Villefranche house is in the Avenue de 1” Alma just off the Champs-Elysees. “
“Yes that is so.”
“You vvl^ be we^ acquainted with Paris by the time you have finished.
What shall you do after the Villefranche picture? “
“Go back to England unless ” Unless there are other commissions? I should think there might well be. I hear your name mentioned a great deal. “
“Oh, do you?”
“Yes, with considerable awe. The fact that you are a woman seems to have added a piquancy. The Baron saw to that.”
I was silent.
“Do come and see me,” she said.
“I should love to show you my house.”
“Thank you.” I took the card and slipped it into the pocket of my coat.
“I shall expect you. I am really very pleased that we have met again.”
“Thank you. Do you think it is a little chilly up here?”
“Yes, let’s go down. Will you go first or shall I?”
I followed her down. I thought how elegant she looked, how serene.
But what was she really feeling this discarded woman?
I had finished Sophie’s portrait and had begun that of Francoise when the fearful certainty came to me. I was going to have a child.
The horror of this crashed down on me. It had been a faint black cloud in the sky for some little while and then came the certainty. I should have realized that it was highly probable. I think I had felt that I could not contemplate anything worse than what I had already endured and had refused to look this possibility in the face.
A child. His child! I had promised myself that I would forget that humiliating incident but as this had happened, it
“I think I startled you,” she went on.
“Yes. I… I thought I was alone up here.”
“People don’t often trail up those steps. Do you know there are three hundred and ninety-seven of them?”
“It seemed like a thousand.”
She laughed.
“I was so pleased to see you in the crowd, but you didn’t see me. I saw you start up the stairs and I guessed you were coming to look at the view. You’re at the Duponts* in Courcelles, I believe?”
“Yes,” I said; and I thought: She would know, of course. She was at the chateau when it was arranged. How much more did she know? “I couldn’t resist coming to see the wedding,” she said.
“Couldn’t you?” I looked at her searchingly. Did she care ; very much? She did not seem to.
“I hope it’s a success,” she said, and I noticed she had not said that she hoped they would be happy. I shrugged my shoulders.
“I hope, too, that you will come and see me while you are in Paris. I have a house on the Left Bank. Let me give you a card. It’s not very far from the Sorbonne and near the^ Luxembourg Gardens. Quite pleasant. ”
“You live there … all the time.”
“Yes, now. All the time.”
So I thought: It is over for you then. You are just thrown aside. But she seemed very happy.
“How are the portraits going?”
“Quite well. I have done the elder young lady. Now I havens the younger and then there is a cousin. I think it better former to do the three before I move on to the house of Monsieur’s Villefranche. ”
"So you will be in Paris for some time yet. I think the Villefranche house is in the Avenue de 1”Alma just off the Champs-Elysees.”
“Yes, that is so.”
“You wu! be well acquainted with Paris by the time you have finished.
What shall you do after the Villefranche picture? “
“Go back to England unless ” Unless there are other commissions? I should think there might well be. I hear your name mentioned a great deal. “
“Oh, do you?”
“Yes, with considerable awe. The fact that you are a woman seems to have added a piquancy. The Baron saw to that.”
I was silent.
“Do come and see me,” she said.
“I should love to show you my house.”
“Thank you.” I took the card and slipped it into the pocket of my coat.
“I shall expect you. I am really very pleased that we have met again.”
“Thank you. Do you think it is a little chilly up here?”
“Yes, let’s go down. Will you go first or shall I?”
I followed her down. I thought how elegant she looked, how serene.
But what was she really feeling-this discarded woman?
I had finished Sophie’s portrait and had begun that of Francoise when the fearful certainty came to me. I was going to have a child.
The horror of this crashed down on me. It had been a faint black cloud in the sky for some little while and then came the ^ftsinty. I should have realized that it was highly probable. I think I had felt that I could not contemplate anything worse than what I had already endured and had refused to look this possibility in the face.
A child. His child! I had promised myself that I would rorge^ (hat humiliating incident but as this had happened, it would mean that that terrible interlude would be with me for the rest of my life.
It now seemed an inevitable consequence. We had been together for three nights . three nights of incessant rape, I called it. And now a child . living evidence of what had happened to me.