don’t know whether the packet boats are going back and forth across the Channel. It may well be that they are. Write your letter and he will take it. If he can send it, all well and good. If not. well, we’ll try again later. “
“Thank you. That’s good of you.”
“Oh, Kate, you would find out how very good I can be if only …”
“It’s a forbidden subject.”
“Tell me one thing. If I were free …”
“You are not free. Please don’t talk in this way. You cannot be free, and there is an end to it. If I could leave for England, I could stay with my stepmother for a while until I decided what I could do.”
“Then perhaps I had better not send that letter.” He laughed at me.
“No, Kate, you take me too seriously sometimes. Of course, I’ll get that letter across if it is possible. I’m not the man to be frightened of a stepmother.”
“Thank you,” I said.
The next day Kendal’ Jeanne and I moved into the Loge.
Jeanne and I found it more comfortable living in the Loge. There was a cosiness about it which the castle lacked. We could get the place warm because it was so small, and nestling below the castle meant that it was protected from the cold winds which buffeted the great edifice above us.
It had been arranged that Jeanne and Kendal should go to the castle for lessons because William would join them there. Jeanne and I nattered each other and ourselves that there was a perceptible change in William since we had come; he had lost a little of his nervousness and the fact that he had his moments of triumph in the schoolroom gave him confidence. Kendal had taken up an almost protective attitude towards him since Jeanne and I had told him that he must not be too rough with him; and instead of resenting this attitude, William seemed to appreciate it.
As for myself, I was very restive. I did not like to be so reliant on Rollo’s hospitality. Had I been alone, I should have attempted to get to England, but because of Kendal I was very uncertain. Having seen him so wan and ill-nourished, I was afraid to subject him to anything like that again. I often wondered if the ordeal had weakened him a little although he showed no signs of it. In any case, because I was determined not to subject him to anything like that again, if I could help it, I must submerge my pride and accept this position for that reason.
I was not blind to the fact that it was an explosive situation. There were schemes in Rollo’s mind, and I had reason to know to what lengths he would be capable of going in order to carry them out. His passion for me seemed to increase and he was getting impatient. He made no attempt to disguise his pride in Kendal, and I found it disturbing to live under the same roof for one might say that, even though I was the Loge as himself and his wife.
I must get away. I told myself that a hundred times a day. But how?
That was the question.
I was eager for news of what was happening in the country. Paris was in turmoil. There was news of a National Assembly to be held at Bordeaux. There were meetings at Versailles. The country was in disorder, and we were fortunate to be in our little oasis, the like of which there could only be a few in remote country places throughout the whole of France.
So I must be careful. I must not be rash. I must swallow my pride and accept this extraordinary situation until I could see a way out of it.
If I were honest with myself I would admit that I did not want to go away. It was going to take me no less than the others some time to recover from the fearful ordeal through which I had passed in the Paris siege. There was only one thing to do . wait. And I was relieved in a way that circumstances forced me to accept this.
On my first morning at the Loge, Rollo called. Jeanne and Kendal had gone up to the castle for lessons so I was alone.
He was clearly delighted by this and, I expected, had arranged to come at this time.
“Well,” he said, ‘how do you feel about this place? “
“It is very comfortable.”
“And we are not far apart. In a way this is probably more convenient.”
“Convenient?” I asked.
“There is more … solitude.” He was looking at me earnestly.
“What are we going to do, Kate?”
“Do? We? Kendal and I will have to stay here until I can work something out.”
“I can think of a pleasant way of working it out.”
“I must get back to Paris or go to England. I think perhaps the latter would be best for, as you say, it will take a long time for Paris to get back to normal.”
“What would you do in England?”
“Paint.”
“You are not known in England.”
“My father was.”
“You are not your father. I set you up in Paris. It was my recommendations which brought those sitters.”
“I know that now, but I must try. Merit will win through in the end.”
“Meanwhile, in the tradition of artists, you will starve in your garret. Artists can only be successful if they are fashionable. People are like sheep. They are told: ” This is good” and they say: ” This is good”. If they are not told they do not know … and obscurity for them means incompetence.”
“I know that it is true, but I think that eventually hard work wins through.”
“When you’re dead, perhaps. But that is not going to keep you and the boy in luxury … not even the necessities of life. Be sensible Kate. You and I will be together. You shall have a studio. I swear I’ll never interfere with your work. I’ll have the boy legitimized.”
“How can that be?”
“It’s possible. It won’t be the first time it has been done. We’ll have a home together. We’ll choose the place. You shall choose it. We belong together. I know that to be true … more than I have ever known anything.”
“You are a man of wide experience,” I said, ‘and you make your plans and decide what is to be done not only by yourself but by everyone else. There is one thing you have not learned yet and that is that where two people are concerned there are two opinions . two wills.
You may have been able to bend people your way in the past, but it does not work like that with everyone. “
“I know, Kate. I’m learning.”
“You are becoming quite humble … for you.”
“It’s all part of what you are teaching me, and you are teaching me a great deal, Kate. I never thought I could become as obsessed by a woman as I am by you.”
“Might that be because you cannot have me?”
“Cannot is a word I don’t accept.”
“It is a word we all have t(> accept at times … even you.”
He took me in his arms suddenly and kissed me violently. I was taken off my guard and for a few seconds did not fight back. The thought flashed into my mind: We are alone in this house. I am at his mercy.
And although I tried to suppress the wild excitement which possessed me, I could not.
I was desperately afraid that he would sense my feelings. He must never know how he could take me off my guard, stir my emotions, make me feel that I wanted him to use violence against me. I dreamed sometimes that I was in that bedroom in the tower, and when I awoke it was not with a sense of fear and revulsion, but of longing to be there in fact.
At the back of my mind this change in my feelings towards him was one of the reasons why I knew I ought to get away before it overwhelmed me.
I withdrew myself with a show of indignation.
“I think,” I said slowly, ‘that I ought to go away . now . without delay. “
He took my hands and kissed them.
“No,” he said passionately.
“No, Kate, never leave me.”
I tried to work up a fury against him.
“You know the position I’m in here. I have nowhere to go. I have a child who has to be cared for. I have to stay here … against my will I have to stay. But I have no intention of setting up as your mistress like … Nicole .. “